Leaving TB

[Bornin1989]

Partner has a problem with alcohol which has become much worse since our DD was born almost two years ago.

We are currently away at a family function (my family), he got pretty drunk, we left at around 8:30pm then snuck out to go to a bar whilst I was putting DD to sleep. I told him at the beginning of the night I saw he was drinking too much, too fast and please slow down as I was getting anxious about the way the evening would pan out.

I've told him this evening (among many other things) that one of us needs to break the cycle and since he can't (by not giving up booze) then I'm done.

Apparently I have too high standards and I'm controlling too. I've also not been affectionate and he has needs that aren't being fulfilled.

The last few months I've paid off a few grand of debt of his, added him to life insurance scheme through work, encouraged him to contact GP over a cancer scare etc. But I'm just not caring or showing him any love so that's why he's drinking.

So I know I need to LTB but how do I do it? We have to pack and drive home tomorrow morning (I'll do the driving!), I don't know if I'll be strong enough to stick to my guns but this "drunk-beg forgiveness-promise I'll do better" cycle is endless.

I really need help, I've been awake since 5:30 and now can't sleep due to being so upset. Partner has thrown up (in the loo this time, better than when he threw up on the new hat I bought DD a few weeks ago) and fallen asleep on the sofa. And yet wonders why I've not been very affectionate lately...

If I don't post again tonight it's because I've finally fallen asleep but I need to write this down so I can read it again in the cold light of day.

Thank you mumsnet for being here ❤️

Yes you need to LTB or rather he needs to leave because obviously your child needs a home and he can more easily move out than you can probably.

How you manage the practicalities depends on too many things.

How much do you each earn? Are you renting together or buying, and whose names are on the paperwork? Are you each able to independently afford appropriate rent to live separately?

It would be lovely if you could just leave him slumbering in the hotel room, get you and DC home having prepaid fir STBX to stay there at the hotel another night, and get the locks changed, but sadly if he has the right to live in that house it's not so easy to chuck him out.

Can you divide your home into a "his territory" and "your territory" (kitchen and bathroom obviously shared) and start living separately prior to a more fully separate separation?

Can you untangle your finances as far as possible?

You need to get things moving, and don't listen to anything about being sorry or changing because you know it's just words and will never change.

This sounds really hard, especially with a child involved. Have you ever read up on co-dependancy, i think it could possibly resonate with you. I ask because if you do CODA have a support group and literature that could have you process all of this and move forward in a way that best serves you and your daughter.

No real advice OP, but he clearly doesn't see he has a problem, so it won't change until he's in a much worse place, and even then he may not see it. Concentrate on getting home safely tomorrow and then talk to a solicitor on Monday and get the ball rolling.
Sorry you have to go through this, but as a child of an alcoholic please don't subject your child to this, growing up with an alcoholic parent is a really special kind of hell. Once you take the first steps to separate I'm sure you'll feel huge relief.

You know you need to leave. That is a huge step in the right direction.

The question of how....step by step, one day at a time.

No big decisions need made immediately. (Unless you are physically unsafe...in that case call police.) You can take some time to get your thoughts together. To get things sorted out. And then take it step by step. You can do it.

Thanks everyone, so we're not married but both own the property we live in. Lucky to be mortgage free (cheap property!). But it's very small so difficult to have our own spaces. I think if we sold up we'd get about £100k max to split.

We have a joint account and earn pretty much the same too. I trust him to not get nasty with finances if we split, I definitely need his income to pay for the childcare.

Codependency sounds familiar, I'll have a look into it thanks. I went to a family of alcoholics meeting a few months ago but they don't allow children due to the fact lots of people have harrowing stories to tell and haven't really got anyone to take DD on the weekend. I also just spent the whole time crying so it was a bit embarrassing.

It's been hard as I wouldn't call him an alcoholic, it's disordered drinking. So he can be fine for a few weeks and even have a pint every so often then he does this. Rock bottom for us was when he disappeared for a night when DD was 6months old and came back with a broken jaw, I left him for a week then but I returned as he had to go to hospital for surgery on his jaw, meanwhile me and DD caught covid and were really poorly, whilst having two dogs to look after.

It's like hope builds up then I get dropped into this shit and so the cycle begins again. It's the hope for change that's the worst. Definitely don't want DD to get to an age where she's aware of what's going on.

"Not showing affection" is code for not shagging enough. It's no wonder that you don't want to have sex with him when he acts like he does. 💐

That's what I've said this evening, that I'm not being affectionate because I'm just angry and resentful all the time. (And you're right, next to zero sex the last two years but also not really feeling like hugging and kissing much either). He had started going to some meetings (Not AA but something similar) and did a month sober and I could feel our relationship starting to heal, including the physical side, but he didn't do more than a month. He wanted to reward the month of sobriety with a pint, then he told me he was drinking because he was lonely etc. The excuses always boil down to me and the things I've done wrong, but I told him that he is the only person responsible for his actions.

It's easy to blame you but he'd be the same whether he was single or in a relationship.

Hi OP, well done on knowing that you need to separate from him. You can do it. x

Thanks again! We're back home and today we've both acted like nothing has happened, except I've actually messaged my mum to tell her that I want to leave. I'm feeling very numb and scared for what's ahead. I'm planning on speaking to him tomorrow night after I've (hopefully!) had a good night's sleep 🤞🏻

@Bornin1989 I could t skip and run . This post sounds like my life 10 years ago and all I can say is it won't get any better I'm afraid I tried everything but ultimately it's the person who had to change . Co dependency was mentioned to me and helped me understand things . I got stuck in the cycle of being apologised to, promised he would change and everything would be ok for a few weeks then it would all start again and then it was my fault . In the end after several back and forths I made the break and it was the best thing I ever did . I'm now so much happier about to get married but the sacrifice I have are no children .... in box me if you want anything at all

Hi @Pinklady81, thanks for your message (and everyone else's too!).

I know I need to get out, I think this particular weekend was the final nail in the coffin. I had managed to hold it together but my partner is just going through his finances from the weekend and telling me how much he spent and why he can't contribute to the joint account. I've sent him some money as compensation but he asked me "Do you recognise [name of pub]" and I was like "hmm that's the pub we walked past" - it turns out he'd been going there secretly too.

I'm supposed to be catching up on work but I'm silently fuming and sat here worrying about the future. At least DD is at the childminders, although she was what was keeping me from completely losing my shit and I feel on the verge of going ballistic.

I will PM you if that's OK?

Thanks! xx

I've decided to end it after my client meeting later. I've told my dad, a couple of friends and my line manager.

I don't want this at all, but I know it'll be better afterwards.

I don't know how he'll react. I feel like I should tell him to come back to me when he's done 100 days sober, but I think he'll just say I'm a control freak with too high standards again. How do I split with someone when I actually really, really love them? 😞

Good luck OP. I've no real advice (sorry), but I wanted to wish you well. It's not your fault - you didn't make him like this.

Every good wish to you. xx

Thank you! My LM has suggested I take the afternoon and tomorrow morning off so I'm going to do that. I feel releived to not have to do a client meeting whilst my head is all over the place!

Don't give him any ultimatums/conditions - that just feeds his mistaken belief that you are in some way in charge of his drinking/not drinking. He would sure as hell find a way to throw it back at you, sooner or later, and you would be no further forward.

What I mean is, it would not help him either. He can't start to recover until he fully owns the problem. He may nmange that, he may not. But in the meantime the situation is intolerable for you so you should leave. You may still love him, but staying there - or coming back after he has met some conditions you set him - is doing you and dd great harm, and not doing him any good.

Don't give him any more money for heaven's sake.

(Unless it's an amount to buy him out of his share of the house.)

Thanks for the advice on the ultimatum. I know that's what's going to be asked. He'll promise to change if I just give him x amount of days to prove it. But he's had that, he managed a month. One measly month. A month where our relationship started flourishing again, things looked better and better and I actually felt like a proper, cohesive family 'team' for the first time since DD was born. And he threw it all away to get pissed the weekend after the month had ended to celebrate his sobriety.

Its highly probable you have confused love here with codependency. Alcoholism and codependency go hand in hand and its highly likely you are his codependent partner in this relationship. That is one role people end up playing in such circumstances along with provoker and enabler because you're also enabling his alcoholism by propping him up. His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

This merry go around of "drunk-beg forgiveness-promise I'll do better" has to end and you're going to have to be the one to end this. He won't do so as he is quite happy as he is drinking with you enabling this. You also need to get off the merry go around named denial. He is also mired in denial and does not want to stop drinking. He also does not want your help or support in any fashion and besides which you're too close to be of any real use to him. Let him go now and rebuild your lives without him in it day to day. Your DD will thank you for doing so.

He going a month without drinking was merely a month without drinking; it was far too early for you to pronounce to yourself that your relationship was starting to heal. A Flat No either to you telling him to do 100 days sober and then come back to you; what are you thinking?!. Denial is however, a powerful force and that is your own denial talking. He is an alcoholic and will remain so for the rest of his life unless he himself decides to address the root causes behind his alcoholism.

You absolutely need to split from him for your own sake as well as your child's. She cannot afford to grow up seeing this dysfunctional relationship play out in front of her. What is your own definition of alcoholism if not this?. They do not all drink every day nor do they claim to drink spirits. They sometimes function as you have seen - until they inevitably do not. Its clear anyway he has alcohol dependency issues that affect you and in turn your daughter. Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reasons; you and your child are affected by him.

Your own recovery from this has not even begun yet and will not until you have totally removed yourself and your DD from his day to day life. I would urge you to attend Al-anon meetings in person if possible and at the very least read their literature.

The Bank of Bornin1989 needs to be closed.

Do not give him any more money; that will merely go on drink. By doing that too you are enabling him and besides which that is money you need more for you and your child.

And if he has nowhere to go when he leaves that is not your problem either. He cares not for the rubbish he has put both you and your daughter through these past couple of years and shows no remorse.

I can't afford to buy him out and tbh I don't want to stay here. At the risk of being a little outing, we actually live on a boat. This boat is too big to manage for just me, and needs a lot of work doing to it. I'd rather sell up and get a smaller boat for up to £50k which will need little work. It might mean he could get a boat and we could coparent relatively easily. He loves DD more than anything, but had such a neglectful childhood that he's just struggled to be a decent parent - I want him to have a good amount of access with her but I don't trust him to safely parent her on her own (e.g. he's got form for leaving vapes lying around, not being 100% on the ball with keeping doors shut so I feel she's at risk of falling in the canal due to him being so lackadaisical with safety). Plus we're still breastfeeding and she relies on me feeding her to sleep (which I'm happy with but means my partner has never done a full bedtime and DD wants me for the crucial falling asleep bit - again I'm fine with this but complicates things a bit).

Anyway, sorry, TMI as brain is in overdrive!

OP the thing that strikes me about all this is that he isn’t ready to deal with his alcohol problem. He is still finding reasons to blame you. That tells you he isn’t ready to accept responsibility for his drinking.

You are doing the right thing by your daughter by leaving. You don’t want to normalise this kind of relationship for her.

Just wanted to give you a handhold and reassure you that you are doing the right thing. For you and your dd. I think any conditions like “be sober for xxx days and we will revisit” will just make things worse and won’t stop the cycle, he will do 100 days or 200 or 300 “for you” then revert to his usual behaviour. Quitting drinking is something he needs to do for himself and it doesn’t sound like he has hit his rock bottom yet. Also if you separate, he won’t be able to blame his drinking on you.