Leaving TB

[Bornin1989]

Partner has a problem with alcohol which has become much worse since our DD was born almost two years ago.

We are currently away at a family function (my family), he got pretty drunk, we left at around 8:30pm then snuck out to go to a bar whilst I was putting DD to sleep. I told him at the beginning of the night I saw he was drinking too much, too fast and please slow down as I was getting anxious about the way the evening would pan out.

I've told him this evening (among many other things) that one of us needs to break the cycle and since he can't (by not giving up booze) then I'm done.

Apparently I have too high standards and I'm controlling too. I've also not been affectionate and he has needs that aren't being fulfilled.

The last few months I've paid off a few grand of debt of his, added him to life insurance scheme through work, encouraged him to contact GP over a cancer scare etc. But I'm just not caring or showing him any love so that's why he's drinking.

So I know I need to LTB but how do I do it? We have to pack and drive home tomorrow morning (I'll do the driving!), I don't know if I'll be strong enough to stick to my guns but this "drunk-beg forgiveness-promise I'll do better" cycle is endless.

I really need help, I've been awake since 5:30 and now can't sleep due to being so upset. Partner has thrown up (in the loo this time, better than when he threw up on the new hat I bought DD a few weeks ago) and fallen asleep on the sofa. And yet wonders why I've not been very affectionate lately...

If I don't post again tonight it's because I've finally fallen asleep but I need to write this down so I can read it again in the cold light of day.

Thank you mumsnet for being here ❤️

My ex partner was like this he is an alcoholic and even 10 years down the line still won't admit it. I think he is on his way to full liver and kidney failure now and only in his late 30's. He too used to stay out all night drinking and never came home despite every time he went anywhere I would be told no I will be home and on time 100%. Always, always empty promises. I got tried of us and the little one being last for everything.

The stories are numerous falling asleep on trains ending up god knows where with no money, no way of getting back home to London, coming home with black eyes, broken fingers, missing shoes, wetting and soiling himself. This will never end and even with help they revert back to form. He also had a horrific childhood but me and the little one offered him so much - love, stability, warmth, security, a home but he threw it all away.

May I ask your ages ? as if this has been going on only a few years there may be some hope but if's a decades thing and he was always a heavy drinker then it much more difficult to break that cycle. In his head he is the victim and that will not change until he faces up to those demons in his head. Some men would rather not face that.

I am with a lovely, wonderful kind man now and he has taken on our daughter as his own and we are so happy. We have a beautiful life. I look back and I am so happy that I broke that cycle myself - I think I was trauma bonding with him after losing my only brother tragically again to drink. Please, please you deserve so much more than this as does your little one. Don't waste anymore time trying to change this situation - you need to take control and be firm. Sending love and peace to you.

Thanks again, I've had the chat. He's devastated and processing it, I am too. I'm being begged to not do it, that he'll change etc. According to him, a lot of his drinking has been related to my post partum anxiety (which I had very severely), he thinks I'm not thinking straight right now because of it despite feeling generally better. He's saying I'm being completely brash and destroying our lives, that I obviously don't love him anymore (I really feel like I do).

I'll be 34 next month and he's 41. The tricky thing is that his drinking is generally OK, and he does this probably every other month. But I've told him I have now got zero tolerance, which he said is not fair.

He wants another chance. I've said we need to split, sell the boat and live apart, that he needs to have therapy to work out why he can't control his drinking. He wants couples therapy, I'm not sure whether to say yes or not.

He also wanted me to list all the times he's got drunk since DD was born, I listed about 5 or 6 times that stood out (due to particularly negative behaviour) and he said it wasn't that bad... And some of those times have been justifiable because of XYZ reason. I know there have been other occasions, plus he went through a phase of hiding alcohol from me.

I feel awful, I do love him and we've had such amazing times over the last decade but this last weekend was truly my breaking point.

I've not said to him because I don't want to give him the impression I would take him back, but I do think he is capable of changing with therapy. Most of the examples people have given above are much worse than his behaviour, but it's still problematic. He said if we stayed together, could he still have "the occasional night on the razz", he said he thinks I want him to be teetotal and he finds that oppressive. Again, bringing the responsibility to me.

We've agreed it needs more discussion than we can give it in one afternoon ,but he's gone to get DD from the childminders so we're going to park the conversation until after she's asleep. We had a kiss and a hug before he went like we usually do, I feel broken 😞

He is saying the exact same things to you that my alcoholic EXh said to me. It's the fucking alcoholic script. Do not fall for it. And once you're out of there, he gets supervised visitation in a contact centre. You do not continue to facilitate his life any more. No matter how much he begs, promises or makes threats.

You have a long healing process ahead of you. Do not complicate that by becoming his "home rehab centre".

This is on him, not you.

How does the saying go? "Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink."

And the only reason he wants to keep talking to you is only to convince you to change your mind because he doesn't want the upheaval of having to go and live on his own and deal with his own shit.

Under any other circumstance, this is known as "bullying".

Do not attempt any kind of mediation or couple therapy with an addict. It's a complete hiding to nothing. You cannot fix him and you did not cause this.

Build a healthy life with healthy boundaries for you and your child. And get therapy for yourself to help you to avoid getting into a horribly dysfunctional relationship like this again.

@AmandaHoldensLips thank you, I need to hear what you're saying as I do feel like I'm on the verge of saying yes to the therapy. I certainly do need therapy before getting into any other relationships, although I am pretty adamant on having AT LEAST a 10 year hiatus from men... It sounds like a joke but I feel pretty serious about that. If I were religious I'd consider a convent 😂

Thank you for sounding angry too, I don't think I'm angry enough about it!

Anyway, I'll update here when I can as it's doing me good to have a voice of reason, thanks again ❤️

How are you?

Hi, I'm OK thanks - feeling very weird. My partner has started to go to his alcoholic group meetings again as of this morning. I feel in limbo, woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep because I was feeling angry about the weekend. We've done so much talking - it's been very much him convincing me he can't help it but he's going to give it his all - when he's talking I feel more hopeful. Then at 4am I just remember how on the weekend he offered to sleep in a different room to me and my daughter to "help me to sleep" (as he snores) and now I'm just thinking it was to give himself a green card to drink.

It's also shit because work is incredibly busy at the moment and I can't afford the headspace for this.

He cannot be trusted. He will lie and lie and lie again. It's awful for you because you've been through the 'boiling frog' treatment. I recall that I sometimes didn't know what to think as I was so conflicted about everything.

All the promises to change and the begging for ME not to break up the family (total headlock that was when it was his behaviour that had caused all the grief). And then the emotional blackmail about how it wasn't his fault because alcoholism is a gene and blah blah fucking blah.

The bottom line for me was, yeah well that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my entire life and live in a pit of misery because of you.

You have been thoroughly manipulated and gaslighted. This is how they operate.

Thanks for keeping my head in reality. I'm in a very slow "ducks in a row" mode, looking for new places to move to when I can (although work is very busy - it's even more busy as it's so hard to focus!).

I spent the day with my dad yesterday at a festival and he's normally very diplomatic but told me I'd be better off on my own essentially. We have a family holiday at the end of the month and I want to get through that before making any long-lasting decisions.

I've been fed the "my brain is wired that way and I need to rewire it" line too. He said he "needs a project/focus" - but our home needs a HECK of a lot of work doing on it and he's not managed to focus on that. He has been doing a lot of dead-end projects. In response to "I'm lonely" we've now got scheduled couples time on a Weds lunchtime so that we can spend an hour together chatting, walking, cuddling whatever. Even though we spend most evenings together once DD has gone to bed.

The veil is mostly lifted now, but I do still love him and have had some nice times since last week. Trying not to build hopes up for the future.

It's been hard as I wouldn't call him an alcoholic, it's disordered drinking. So he can be fine for a few weeks and even have a pint every so often then he does this.

This jumped out at me OP - he is an alcoholic. My mum was very similar as were other (now all dead) members of our immediate family. Avoiding labelling your partner as an alcoholic is I think quite telling. I'm not having a go, by the way, as my whole family have done this at times (including me!). But it serves to minimise / gloss over what is a very serious issue.

I can see the hope in your latest post and I have to piss on your chips but....you need to leave. You need to protect your daughter. He is not a good dad if he cannot prioritise his relationship with her and you over having a drink. He is already telling you that he will fail by talking about 'doing his best' and also turning it all back on you - your postpartum issues, you being controlling by wanting him to be teetotal etc.

You need to find your anger at the frankly shitty way he is treating you and your small child. Not able to put as much in the joint account because he's been on the piss but wanting you to allow him to still have the odd bender if you stay together? I don't care if he's crying a fucking river (or a canal). He is taking the absolute piss out of you and I'm furious on your behalf. And no, I wouldn't recommend joint counselling. This is his issue to resolve. You still need to follow through with your plans to leave and keep your daughter emotionally and physically safe.

I have every sympathy for people battling substance addictions but let's be fair he isn't battling is he? He's hoping to minimise / make you responsible and carry on exactly as he likes. I don't know him or you, but he sounds like a selfish, self serving prick to be honest.