Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I have an affair?

44 replies

user01082312345 · 29/07/2023 20:38

Sex life is nonexistent between DH and myself, and I hate saying this but I simply don't find him attractive anymore. We have a three year old son together. I do the majority of the parenting as well as working full time (DS goes to nursery during week). Since DS' birth, our relationship had really suffered. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to, my life literally consists of looking after DS, working, or cleaning the apartment. I moved abroad to be with DH so I have no friends or family members here to turn to. I don't earn enough money to rent my own place as well as support DS, and I also don't drive (I have a fear of driving), so I rely on DH to transport DS to and from nursery/doctors' appointments, shop for groceries etc.

Recently a guy I met in French class got in touch and suggested me meet up at his place. I'm really attracted to him, and I'm craving that feeling of passion and feeling desired. Some days I barely feel anything, I'm just like a robot functioning, barely existing...would it be so wrong to meet up with this guy? Or would I regret it?

OP posts:
SirSamVimesCityWatch · 29/07/2023 20:39

Er, no. Obviously.

If you want to be with someone else you end your marriage.

Malarandras · 29/07/2023 20:41

You seem very unhappy in your marriage. Would t it make more sense to do something about that before you embark on any kind of relationship with someone else?

Sunshine292 · 29/07/2023 20:44

Why’re you even with him? Because he supports you financially and drives you everywhere?

Sure, we all like attention but sounds like you need to end your marriage if you’re thinking of cheating.

ReeseWitherfork · 29/07/2023 20:44

If you did meet this guy, how do you envision things will play out?

Problemcat · 29/07/2023 20:45

Get divorced then shag who you like surely

BlessedKali · 29/07/2023 20:46

if u have an affair you are just adding more shit to your plate. if you dont like your plate, sort it out, focus your energy on making a good life the life you want. Going off shagging might bring short term rewards but in the long run will bring you problems.

LoobiJee · 29/07/2023 20:52

Did you mean to post this in Relationships rather than feminism?

EpicChaos · 29/07/2023 21:01

In a word... No!

Usedtolikefood · 29/07/2023 21:01

Get this moved to Rekationships.

Never have an affair unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences of it being discovered, is a good rule of thumb.

Your real issue is your life is miserable and you are vulnerable as a non working mum in a foreign country. Your best bet would be to persuade your H to move back to your home country and then either try to repair your relationship or divorce.

Hague Mothers may be if use to you if he will not move back to your home country.

Good luck OP.

Usedtolikefood · 29/07/2023 21:04

Just reread and realise you do work, still you will be more lsecure if you return to the UK.

RudsyFarmer · 29/07/2023 21:08

The feeling of excitement and being desired will be cancelled out by the shame. Eventually you will trip up and be found out and will have to explain the reason for the very acrimonious break up to everyone.

You will have to then carry the weight of that shame along with you and the sex will never be good enough for the heaviness of that load.

Work out how to leave your husband and do it properly. The guy at french class is extremely unlikely to be a long term partner but you have the right to find love and be happy and you need to be single to do that.

Elmer83 · 29/07/2023 22:07

If you’re even considering cheating then it’s time to be fair to your partner and end the relationship. FULL STOP

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 29/07/2023 22:20

@RudsyFarmer not everyone feels guilt or shame. Maybe a good rogering is just what she needs as a catalyst to move on.

RudsyFarmer · 29/07/2023 22:41

If you have kids you will have guilt.

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 13:36

RudsyFarmer · 29/07/2023 22:41

If you have kids you will have guilt.

Nonsense. The problem is she is unhappy in her marriage and painfully lonely. People don’t need to feel guilt for that. People don’t need to feel shame for failed marriages. And it’s only on Mumsnet I hear people talking of shame around affairs. In real life, when people in my friendship group have had affairs everyone understands it was due to unhappiness in the relationship and the friend is supported.

I would not recommend OP has an affair because, if discovered, a bitter custody battle and divorce in a foreign country will be disaster for her. If her H stays in that country, her choices will be stay trapped there or leave her children behind and move home. I suggest she reads the stories of some of The Hague Mothers to find out the implications of a marriage break up in a foreign country.

Time4achange2 · 30/07/2023 14:26
  • *@RudsyFarmer And it’s only on Mumsnet I hear people talking of shame around affairs. In real life, when people in my friendship group have had affairs everyone understands it was due to unhappiness in the relationship and the friend is supported.

In a recent questionaire of married men who had cheated on their wives, over 80% said it wasn't due to unhappiness in their marriage, that they didn't want to leave their marriage but wanted to basically cake eat.

Do you know the life changing heartbreak, trauma inflicted on an innocent spouse? It is selfish entitled individuals who engage in affairs instead of ending their marriage first. Of course it is SHAMEFUL behaviour to treat the person you made marriage vows to with such contempt, never mind robbing them of agency, placing their mental and physical health at risk just to have the ego stroke of an extra marital shag.

Not exactly sure which friendship groups you're in but must be one with piss poor morals, or is it all woman so that's OK, but not if it's a man?

mummy21blueeyed · 30/07/2023 14:27

You leave.

Time4achange2 · 30/07/2023 14:31

Apologies, @RudsyFarmer should have directed that comment @Usedtolikefood

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 14:33

Time4achange2 · 30/07/2023 14:26

  • *@RudsyFarmer And it’s only on Mumsnet I hear people talking of shame around affairs. In real life, when people in my friendship group have had affairs everyone understands it was due to unhappiness in the relationship and the friend is supported.

In a recent questionaire of married men who had cheated on their wives, over 80% said it wasn't due to unhappiness in their marriage, that they didn't want to leave their marriage but wanted to basically cake eat.

Do you know the life changing heartbreak, trauma inflicted on an innocent spouse? It is selfish entitled individuals who engage in affairs instead of ending their marriage first. Of course it is SHAMEFUL behaviour to treat the person you made marriage vows to with such contempt, never mind robbing them of agency, placing their mental and physical health at risk just to have the ego stroke of an extra marital shag.

Not exactly sure which friendship groups you're in but must be one with piss poor morals, or is it all woman so that's OK, but not if it's a man?

OP is unhappy in her marriage, clearly links that to her temptation to have an affair, and that’s the relevant point here.

The, men and women ( but your assumption that women only have female friends is noted) who are my friends were unhappy in their relationships.

But you continue to berate me over people and lives I don’t know and am not talking about if that makes you happy.

Manifest828 · 30/07/2023 14:59

user01082312345 · 29/07/2023 20:38

Sex life is nonexistent between DH and myself, and I hate saying this but I simply don't find him attractive anymore. We have a three year old son together. I do the majority of the parenting as well as working full time (DS goes to nursery during week). Since DS' birth, our relationship had really suffered. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to, my life literally consists of looking after DS, working, or cleaning the apartment. I moved abroad to be with DH so I have no friends or family members here to turn to. I don't earn enough money to rent my own place as well as support DS, and I also don't drive (I have a fear of driving), so I rely on DH to transport DS to and from nursery/doctors' appointments, shop for groceries etc.

Recently a guy I met in French class got in touch and suggested me meet up at his place. I'm really attracted to him, and I'm craving that feeling of passion and feeling desired. Some days I barely feel anything, I'm just like a robot functioning, barely existing...would it be so wrong to meet up with this guy? Or would I regret it?

Ever considered joining a swingers club as a couple? Try and ignite the passion that you once had for each other?

Time4achange2 · 30/07/2023 15:05

@Usedtolikefood - your friends are unhappy in their marriages so it's acceptable to just shag around rather than be a decent person and end the marriage?? Wonder what their innocent spouses think about that?

I suggest the situation in reality is OP has had her head turned by a man in her French class and now finds her husband unattractive and marriage boring but needs to keep her poor husband around for income and transporting their child around.

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 15:07

@Usedtolikefood your post does scream of someone who has zero understanding of infidelity, the reasons behind it and the impact on the betrayed partner.

It is pathetic to cite being ‘unhappy’ as a reason to support a cheater taking someone’s right to informed sexual consent, their right to personal agency and at risk of STIs. Cheating is a form of abuse. @Time4achange2 is right in that current research into infidelity is clear that cheating is around deep rooted selfishness and entitlement and many cheats class themselves as happy in their relationships.

If you are so ‘unhappy’ you’d contemplate cheating then put the energy into leaving as amicably as possible because that chance will not be there if you cheat.

OP cheating is a vile thing to do no matter how ‘unhappy’ you are. Get yourself into counselling and work out a healthy, less toxic way of moving forward.

freedome · 30/07/2023 15:08

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

StrawberryPavlova · 30/07/2023 15:10

Yeah sure. Go ahead. Let us know how it works out for you Hmm

YRGAM · 30/07/2023 15:19

Usedtolikefood · 29/07/2023 21:01

Get this moved to Rekationships.

Never have an affair unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences of it being discovered, is a good rule of thumb.

Your real issue is your life is miserable and you are vulnerable as a non working mum in a foreign country. Your best bet would be to persuade your H to move back to your home country and then either try to repair your relationship or divorce.

Hague Mothers may be if use to you if he will not move back to your home country.

Good luck OP.

I'm not sure 'lure him to your country so you can divorce him and keep him stuck there if he wants to see his kids' is any better morally than cheating, to be honest

Swipe left for the next trending thread