Page 2 | Should I have an affair?

GoodChat · 30/07/2023 15:23

So you have an affair, your husband finds out, then what?

All of the reasons you say you can't leave him for are the things you'll have to deal with as a result of your actions.

Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling?

Could you not move back home?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 15:29

Are you asking MN if it's is moral to have one or you should do it anyway?

I'd be quite tempted in your shoes if it was an option but it's like a band aid on a big wound - you need to sort the marriage and living situation out - either fix the marriage or if you can't then find a way to leave it. An affair might be a fun distraction but it won't make the marriage better

Dotcheck · 30/07/2023 15:38

OP
Did you really love your husband or were you caught up in the drama and excitement of moving country? I’m asking that as you seem to think that another man is going to fill the gaps you have in your life.

Having small children IS hard on a relationship. Have you talked to your husband about chores? What are you doing to address your fear of driving?

tt9 · 30/07/2023 15:38

so... you are happy to continue to rely on him financially (as you state you are not able to support yourself on your income) and using him as a glorified chauffeur... but go to someone else for an affair?

if you are feeling unhappy in the marriage... do you think he might feel the same? be honest with each other - maybe some couples counselling or other options to work on the marriage should be tried before you give up? but lying and cheating is never a way out.

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 15:51

Time4achange2 · 30/07/2023 15:05

@Usedtolikefood - your friends are unhappy in their marriages so it's acceptable to just shag around rather than be a decent person and end the marriage?? Wonder what their innocent spouses think about that?

I suggest the situation in reality is OP has had her head turned by a man in her French class and now finds her husband unattractive and marriage boring but needs to keep her poor husband around for income and transporting their child around.

OP is quite articulate as to why her life is miserable, but you change that to ‘her head being turned’ if that suits the narrative you need to demonize women who have affairs. Crack on.

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 15:54

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 15:07

@Usedtolikefood your post does scream of someone who has zero understanding of infidelity, the reasons behind it and the impact on the betrayed partner.

It is pathetic to cite being ‘unhappy’ as a reason to support a cheater taking someone’s right to informed sexual consent, their right to personal agency and at risk of STIs. Cheating is a form of abuse. @Time4achange2 is right in that current research into infidelity is clear that cheating is around deep rooted selfishness and entitlement and many cheats class themselves as happy in their relationships.

If you are so ‘unhappy’ you’d contemplate cheating then put the energy into leaving as amicably as possible because that chance will not be there if you cheat.

OP cheating is a vile thing to do no matter how ‘unhappy’ you are. Get yourself into counselling and work out a healthy, less toxic way of moving forward.

You hip hop between ‘cheats are unhappy and should just leave’ and ‘cheats are happy but just selfish’ there. I’m not engaging with a poster who can’t be bothered articulating a clear position to engage with. If you decide what you want me to respond to, please do come back.

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 15:58

YRGAM · 30/07/2023 15:19

I'm not sure 'lure him to your country so you can divorce him and keep him stuck there if he wants to see his kids' is any better morally than cheating, to be honest

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It’s the position he’s got her in. I see absolutely no problem with her getting the scale back in her favor. It’s far more common for women to follow their husbands than the other way around, so it’s more often women who end up screwed. I absolutely advise OP to no end up one of those women.

MWNA · 30/07/2023 16:09

French class! 🤣

Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 16:09

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 13:36

Nonsense. The problem is she is unhappy in her marriage and painfully lonely. People don’t need to feel guilt for that. People don’t need to feel shame for failed marriages. And it’s only on Mumsnet I hear people talking of shame around affairs. In real life, when people in my friendship group have had affairs everyone understands it was due to unhappiness in the relationship and the friend is supported.

I would not recommend OP has an affair because, if discovered, a bitter custody battle and divorce in a foreign country will be disaster for her. If her H stays in that country, her choices will be stay trapped there or leave her children behind and move home. I suggest she reads the stories of some of The Hague Mothers to find out the implications of a marriage break up in a foreign country.

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Have you ever been cheated on?
Probably not...

Anyway, yes marriages fail and all, but there is always a different option to getting out of a marriage then cheating...
For example, ending it, before you cheat...

And if you think your friendship circle represents "real life", it doesn't, at least not where I'm from.

And I don't know how many people are on MN, I'm assuming it's an array of many different people from.many different walks of life, so discounting that is just stupid.

Noone should be forced to stay in an u happy relationship, but cheating isn't the answer.

Your post is nonsense!

Xxx

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 16:14

Fair enough, I can see how it could be confusing for you.

Carry on hugging all those friends who’ve chosen to put their partner at risk of harm, robbed their right to consent, potentially passed on STDs.

Luckily most of us really don’t work without a moral compass.

Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 16:19

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 16:14

Fair enough, I can see how it could be confusing for you.

Carry on hugging all those friends who’ve chosen to put their partner at risk of harm, robbed their right to consent, potentially passed on STDs.

Luckily most of us really don’t work without a moral compass.

😉
I wonder if her partner (if she has one) knows that she'd feel no shame/guilt for having an affair... obviously only if she was unhappy in the relationship, because than its cool to go behind someone's back..

Retch!

YRGAM · 30/07/2023 16:22

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 15:58

It’s the position he’s got her in. I see absolutely no problem with her getting the scale back in her favor. It’s far more common for women to follow their husbands than the other way around, so it’s more often women who end up screwed. I absolutely advise OP to no end up one of those women.

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Not how it works. They had children together in this country on the understanding they would stay here and bring them up here, unless it's been discussed to the contrary (which the OP would have mentioned if it were the case). Bringing the children to the other country by deception is a breach of what they agreed when having children, and is far more morally unacceptable than sleeping with someone else. She didn't move to the UK purely to have children with him here

Time4achange2 · 30/07/2023 16:28

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 15:58

It’s the position he’s got her in. I see absolutely no problem with her getting the scale back in her favor. It’s far more common for women to follow their husbands than the other way around, so it’s more often women who end up screwed. I absolutely advise OP to no end up one of those women.

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@Usedtolikefood are you for real? OP wasn't put in any position, she had agency over joining her husband or not. He will not have any agency if she has an affair.

As for your pathetic and laughable comment 'getting the scales back' - imagine a man claiming he had an affair just to get back at his wife because she relocated abroad for a job and he decided to go too but had lost interest in her.

Please come down from which ever planet you're on and if contributing to a post at least be realistic. One sherry too much at lunch?

Insanity23 · 30/07/2023 16:28

No speak up to your husband and tell
him how you feel. Reach out to friends. An affair won’t fix your problems it will
Bring more for you , your child and your husband.

Mensuckbigtime · 30/07/2023 16:32

user01082312345 · 29/07/2023 20:38

Sex life is nonexistent between DH and myself, and I hate saying this but I simply don't find him attractive anymore. We have a three year old son together. I do the majority of the parenting as well as working full time (DS goes to nursery during week). Since DS' birth, our relationship had really suffered. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to, my life literally consists of looking after DS, working, or cleaning the apartment. I moved abroad to be with DH so I have no friends or family members here to turn to. I don't earn enough money to rent my own place as well as support DS, and I also don't drive (I have a fear of driving), so I rely on DH to transport DS to and from nursery/doctors' appointments, shop for groceries etc.

Recently a guy I met in French class got in touch and suggested me meet up at his place. I'm really attracted to him, and I'm craving that feeling of passion and feeling desired. Some days I barely feel anything, I'm just like a robot functioning, barely existing...would it be so wrong to meet up with this guy? Or would I regret it?

Hey OP
Sorry the conversation got a bit derailed.

I obviously don't know how your relationship to you DP was before you had a child.

But it sounds to me that you're struggling with the everyday mundane life of being a mother to a young child in a foreign country where you have.no network of friends.and family.

Maybe the way you feel about your partner has something to do with that and having an affair would feel like an escape?

Having children is hard and puts a lot of pressure on a relationship.

An affair would be a bandaid, it wouldn't solve the issues you have, because at the end of the day, your "real" life is that of being a partner and mother...

My STBXH cheated on me and the pain the discovery caused is insane.

I'd think twice if I were you

BiggerBoat1 · 30/07/2023 16:35

Having an affair will not solve the problems in your marriage. Of course someone else fancying you is exciting but that doesn't mean that having an affair is the right thing to do. Work out what you need to do to fix or end your marriage before you get another person involved.

hev126 · 30/07/2023 17:26

OP is quite articulate as to why her life is miserable, but you change that to ‘her head being turned’ if that suits the narrative you need to demonize women who have affairs. Crack on.*

@Usedtolikefood - you're right she has listed why she is miserable in her marriage. Shagging someone else is going to solve a grand total of zero of them

TheWayoftheLeaf · 31/07/2023 00:08

No. Leave your husband and then form a new relationship. Don't cross over. It's immoral.

Insanity23 · 01/08/2023 15:59

From someone who did just this due to many complex reasons. Don’t go there. It’s not worth it. It just makes it so much worse. You have the time to think about it properly. Talk to your husband. Tell him your concerns. Suggest therapy. If it really isn’t working one of you could move out and do a trial separation.affairs are painful and they don’t deal with anything they just make it worse.