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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

obsessive ex, what do I do that keeps attracting loonies, and how to get rid of this one( long)

29 replies

sasquatch · 26/02/2008 21:03

Hi, I'm in need of some advice and definately some support.
I had a four year relationship with ex and the last year of it he moved in with me.
I asked him to move out 12months ago and he finally went in May/June. I was sleeping on the sofa interim. Anyway, he only went when I finally flipped my lid and went beserk, not something I'm proud of, but it did the job, kind of.
After that we had a period of cooling off but still quite friendly, mostly down to familiarity I think.
However, he still continued to be the person I didnt want to live with and I came to realise didn't want to have a relationship with either.
My problem seems to have been that I havent been direct enough in letting him know. I have completely by my behaviour,;not returning calls, texts, emails , I thought.
And it was hard for me to be in a position. He is very difficult to communicate with, he cant have a straight conversation, will be polite to my face and only say things he wants to in writing, in a situation which he doesnt have to listen to my response to.
I have all the time refused to respond to written communication and give him the attention in this way.

Sorry this is long,. He is now becoming abusive (occassionally) and decided I have a new partner to help him feel better. [I havent]
I have been really angered recently and retaliated by writing to him, and telling him and emailing saying I want him to stop.
However he hasn't. I dont want to prosecute him but dont know what else to do.
He is carrying on without taking a blind bit of notice, as usual.
I only gave it to him formally on Sunday, how long should I wait before taking more action?

OP posts:
madamez · 26/02/2008 21:10

If he carries on after you have told him in writing to stop, then your next step might be to get a solicitor's letter sent to him telling him to stop - or reporting him to the police as a stalker. It only needs 2 incidents of communication after you have told him to stop, for the police to have a word with him.
Most blokes who are just saddos and pests will stop at this point. If he doesn't, then keep a diary of all incidents and complain again, and keep complaining, as a bloke who persists after this point is possibly dangerous. You can get an injunction against him or maybe an ASBO if he keeps it up. Good luck.

Original poster
sasquatch · 26/02/2008 22:02

Thanks madamez,
I have just printed off all the emails he has sent me, it makes me feel as if I am doing something. Also, as his mail goes into my trash, I have to get it on paper, which also unfortunately means I read it.
Since I started filtering his mail, he has gone to the trouble of printing it off and posting it to me!
Your reply cheered me up, I know he is sad and desperate, and feel a bit sorry for him, but that is probably what he is trading on.
I dont feel so bad at the moment, and I am getting a new mobile number in a couple of days.
As long as I keep posiive, I dont feel like reporting him, but am I just being a doormat?

OP posts:
warthog · 26/02/2008 22:08

well i would send one last email that says if he doesn't stop you're going to the police.

and then you HAVE to do it.

as madamez says, keeping a log is Very Good.

Original poster
sasquatch · 27/02/2008 17:19

Thanks warthog, Yes i am keeping a log. Do text messages written down by me count as evidence? as I can only keep 15 or so at a time, and get many more. I dont know whether to go to police or not, I have a case but he will probably just carry on if given a warning, he doesnt take any notice of me. I just want it to stop and not cause a big bother.
I have told him our relationship is well and truly over and he is saying he wants to marry me and going on about my new boyfriend, who is a figment of my imagination.I have only recieved 1 email today and 3 texts, but I dont want any!!! but when I change my number it will kick off again I expect.

OP posts:
warthog · 28/02/2008 12:37

well, i don't know if they're hard evidence in court, but the fact that you've got a log shows the level of harrassment you're putting up with.

i think you're being harrassed enough to go to the police. take the log with you. it's impacting your life! i know you don't want to cause a bother, but this may be the only way to stop it. unless you have a large brother who does boxing for a hobby?

chocchild · 28/02/2008 21:07

There is nothing stopping you giving a statement to the police now. Then it will all be on record officially. I had a similar situation with a real proper psycho and they took polaroid photographs of the text messages on my phone. He is now in prison.

kama · 28/02/2008 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sasquatch · 29/02/2008 08:44

Thanks, everyone. yesterday was a quiet day, only two emails, and no texts. I am sitting on it at the moment, considering a warning letter as suggested by warthog and madamez, and see if it carries on.
It has certainly made me examine aspects of my behaviour and personality as I have experienced this before, so something useful may come out of it after all.

Off to get on with my life!

OP posts:
hecate · 29/02/2008 18:50

Have you told him that you have kept all his communications and will be passing them to your solicitor? I think that would be a good idea.

madamez · 29/02/2008 18:56

Sasquatch, it isn't necessarily your fault. There is a fairly large cultural belief that it's OK for a man to stalk "woo" a reluctant woman - think of all those films where Hero persists for about two hours with chocs, flowers, baying under the window in the rain etc and finally she lets him at least get topsies. A lot of men percieve this tiresome behaviour as being 'romantic' and will back off after a formal warning. The ones who don't are potentially dangerous, but most are just a bit rubbish.

warthog · 29/02/2008 19:08

sasquatch, it's not your personality or anything you've done. he's chosen to act like this, not you.

Original poster
sasquatch · 04/03/2008 19:43

Update if anyone is interested, he is still at it, given up phoning but still plenty of email, texts and letters. Today I recieved a letter with a message on the outside of the envelope so I couldnt not see it. At the same time he says I am not obliged to read any of his mail. arggghhhhh.
I thought I was ok but thinking maybe this is unecessary stress I could do without at the moment. Have just had a massive row with ds, is this what x is aiming for?

OP posts:
warthog · 04/03/2008 19:50

can you go to the police?

MommaFeelgood · 04/03/2008 19:59

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
sasquatch · 04/03/2008 20:08

thanks, I dont think the police would be dismissive, but that it will be more of headache to start a legal attack rolling. I also really dont want to be any more unkind than I have been, and dont think a warning would be effective he is such an arrogant fantasist.

OP posts:
Original poster
sasquatch · 04/03/2008 20:10

Thanks momma,
Am I determinedly sitting on the fence and feeding off this situation? and am I being too analytical?

OP posts:
MommaFeelgood · 04/03/2008 21:02

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Message withdrawn

madamez · 04/03/2008 21:05

What was the message on the outside of the envelope (you don't have to give us the exact text if it's something private, obviously). If it was anything along the lines of 'You'll Pay For This BItch' or You Belong To Me then you should definitely show it to the police: you should contact the police now anyway because this dickhead has ignored a formal request to leave you alone. That you call him an 'arrogant fantasist' is worrying: it's the arrogant fantasist who assaults, rapes, kidnaps and even kills.

Original poster
sasquatch · 04/03/2008 21:10

the message was "we have known each other for 8 years, and you have never been rude to me, dont be rude to me now". Referring to me not responding to him since I asked him to stop contacting me.
There is a part of me that thinks it is not the reasonable or civilised thing to do (police).

OP posts:
hecate · 04/03/2008 21:28

Well, he's plainly not going to stop, so if you don't want to take it to the police, you are going to have to live with it and hope he'll eventually get fed up. Is that really what you want? And what when you do meet someone? He is bound to kick off then.

madamez · 04/03/2008 21:40

It is the reasonable thing to do, sasquatch. My alarm bells are ringing now. Men like him are very often DANGEROUS. His behaviour is unreasonable, he is STALKING you and you do need to call the police now that you have given him a clear message to leave you alone and, rather than doing as you ask, he sends you a belittling, intimidating message calling you rude.

Original poster
sasquatch · 04/03/2008 22:00

Thanks madamez, I am feeling a bit crappy. I am going to do it tomorrow. I have so many things to get on with, good things, that I am [have been] reluctant to give this one time, but I realise it is probably stopping me fully engaging. It is at the constant,dripping tap, mildly annoying but wont go away level rather than I feel in danger but the police should still take it on?
He already has an asbo for doing this to another x of his, I think it is still current.

OP posts:
MommaFeelgood · 04/03/2008 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

madamez · 04/03/2008 22:28

Report him, sasquatch. It's a set behaviour pattern that's going to escalate rather than get better. NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. He is a nasty tosspot.

warthog · 04/03/2008 22:53

'He already has an asbo for doing this to another x of his, I think it is still current.'

'There is a part of me that thinks it is not the reasonable or civilised thing to do (police).'

think VERY CAREFULLY about those two sentences. it IS the reasonable and civilised thing to do. if not for yourself, then his ex and any future women he may harrass.

melodramatic but: bad things happen when good people do nothing.