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Original poster

Retrospective jealousy

34 replies

Emotionalmama · 29/07/2023 18:04

Does anyone else experience retrospective jealously?

Me and DH recently had a baby less than 2 months ago (so admittedly hormones are a bit all over the show). He has two children with his ex girlfriend and I get on brilliant with them, he’s no contact with his ex and things are generally ok there but recently I’ve been having really bad retrospective jealously and intrusive thoughts about him having sex with his ex.

last week I bombarded him with questions about him and his ex’s sex life and he was honest with me but I ended up then making myself feel awful. They didn’t have a great relationship admittedly and sex was mostly make up sex it seems. Since Aunt Flo has came and gone I’ve been ok but today we were watching a movie that was talking about the passion of make up sex and, I know it sounds stupid, but it really triggered me. i felt sick to the stomach and couldn’t eat and went very quiet.

I know rationally I’m being irrational and toxic to be honest but I can’t help it.

my DH is a wonderful man and I trust him a billion percent and he has been so understanding and reassuring but I’m struggling so much and I don’t want to be. The thought of him with someone else, conceiving a child, him initiating sex with her. It’s driving me mental and I don’t know what to do. Please no hate or anything I’m genuinely struggling.

OP posts:
opalescent · 29/07/2023 18:07

Honestly, I've been on the other side of this. My ex was the same, and it destroyed our relationship, along with both of our mental health.
Do whatever you can to gain control, he absolutely doesn't need to answer questions about his sex life before you, it's none of your business, and it's very intrusive.

Lifeafternarcabuse · 29/07/2023 18:17

I get those thoughts. It's recently broke my relationship up 2 days ago however my thoughts turned out to be true and due to incidents of mistrus previously.

It's heartbreaking and sad that you feel like this. I get it 100% I'm exactly the same...do you feel insecure in yourself?

I'll be following this to watch out for any good advice

Dogsitterwoes · 29/07/2023 18:22

This is very destructive and you need to look for help with intrusive thoughts.

Original poster
Emotionalmama · 29/07/2023 18:24

Lifeafternarcabuse · 29/07/2023 18:17

I get those thoughts. It's recently broke my relationship up 2 days ago however my thoughts turned out to be true and due to incidents of mistrus previously.

It's heartbreaking and sad that you feel like this. I get it 100% I'm exactly the same...do you feel insecure in yourself?

I'll be following this to watch out for any good advice

thank you for your reply. I had an eating disorder than I’ve never fully recovered from and I had a baby 7 weeks ago and I feel so insecure with how I look with extra weight on me. When me and DH met I was in amazing shape and pretty and was so confident. Now to be fair to my DH he has said so many times he’s so attracted to me like this because my stretch marks etc are from carrying our baby and he’s all over me and it genuine attraction and he’s begged me not to starve myself and (yes this is bitchy and horrible) but I’m near 10 years younger than his ex, I’m better looking and I’m thinner a few weeks post partum than she is now. I know that’s so shallow and vain and horrible but I shouldn’t be so insecure and I know it’s all coming from me. Like in all the years we’ve been together I haven’t thought about it, it’s just since we had the baby. Willing to try anything to make it go away

OP posts:
gemsandmilk · 29/07/2023 19:42

Hi OP, these sorts of thoughts are a form of OCD I think. Google ROCD— it might help (relationship ocd). Intrusive thoughts.

Whattodo112222 · 29/07/2023 19:49

Op. This is abusive behaviour. Sorry it is.

Original poster
Emotionalmama · 29/07/2023 19:55

Whattodo112222 · 29/07/2023 19:49

Op. This is abusive behaviour. Sorry it is.

I know it is. I’ve literally said I know it’s toxic and I want help.

OP posts:
KarrieKoKo · 29/07/2023 19:57

When I began dating my current husband I never ever had those thoughts. When we first moved in together tho… wow was my mind in overdrive, exact same stuff now as you are saying. No kids in either side for us but the thoughts alone were enough to send me into a foul humor for days. Anyway, I got through it as time passed I cared less and less and I can say that now, I don’t care at all. But bizzarly, my husband never cared about my past til after we got married. He started cooking up all sorts in his mind about my ex fiancé and the things we’d get up to… he’s gotten over it now thankfully, so I’m wondering is it this big life change of having a baby that has you thinking this way? I totally understand how you feel.

Original poster
Emotionalmama · 29/07/2023 20:03

@KarrieKoKo i definitely think it’s the baby arriving. I feel like I’ve fallen in love with my husband even more or like in a new dimension since the baby has came and I just love them both so much. My DH always says that obviously we imagine worst case scenario and the most hurtful thing. I’m hoping it wears off soon. This thread has actually really helped. He went for a wee nap when I posted and when he woke up I gave him a massive kiss and hug and apologised for being grumpy (he didn’t know why I was and I didn’t go into it).

OP posts:
KarrieKoKo · 29/07/2023 20:07

That’s great, always here to chat x

Whataretheodds · 29/07/2023 20:09

OP please seek some kind of talking therapy - CBT or similar.

Cherrycola44 · 29/07/2023 20:26

I had an ex like this who was retrospectively jealous and obsessed with my previous partner. Eventually he went for counselling, saw his GP and was prescribed Prozac for OCD.

lastminutewednesday · 29/07/2023 20:30

I get this. Second wife syndrome. I really struggle with it at times. I silence as I know it's not ok. It's a horrible feeling and I sympathise op

Lifeafternarcabuse · 29/07/2023 21:04

Emotionalmama · 29/07/2023 18:24

thank you for your reply. I had an eating disorder than I’ve never fully recovered from and I had a baby 7 weeks ago and I feel so insecure with how I look with extra weight on me. When me and DH met I was in amazing shape and pretty and was so confident. Now to be fair to my DH he has said so many times he’s so attracted to me like this because my stretch marks etc are from carrying our baby and he’s all over me and it genuine attraction and he’s begged me not to starve myself and (yes this is bitchy and horrible) but I’m near 10 years younger than his ex, I’m better looking and I’m thinner a few weeks post partum than she is now. I know that’s so shallow and vain and horrible but I shouldn’t be so insecure and I know it’s all coming from me. Like in all the years we’ve been together I haven’t thought about it, it’s just since we had the baby. Willing to try anything to make it go away

Show quote history

It doesn't sound vain it sounds confident and powerful. I think you've had a baby and it's changed your world your hormones are surging and your trying to find anything that would hurt you maybe to protect yourself because your vulnerable right now..... try your best to push past it have a little word with yourself tell yourself dh is trustworthy and a great man we all have pasts and we all have demons

You can do this

Original poster
Emotionalmama · 29/07/2023 22:05

Lifeafternarcabuse · 29/07/2023 21:04

It doesn't sound vain it sounds confident and powerful. I think you've had a baby and it's changed your world your hormones are surging and your trying to find anything that would hurt you maybe to protect yourself because your vulnerable right now..... try your best to push past it have a little word with yourself tell yourself dh is trustworthy and a great man we all have pasts and we all have demons

You can do this

Show quote history

Thank you so so much x

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 30/07/2023 12:02

yes this is bitchy and horrible) but I’m near 10 years younger than his ex, I’m better looking and I’m thinner a few weeks post partum than she is now.

Yeah because how you look equals your value. Given your ED past it’s not all surprising that your post pregnancy body has triggered you. Acknowledge that this what it is and get support. It doesn’t mean that your ED has returned but it does suggest that you are struggling.

Jammylou · 30/07/2023 12:18

I think it's good that you recognise this behaviour is destructive and not healthy. It couid destroy your relationship.

He's with you now and not her so I wouldn't even give a thought to his ex.

Many of us have pasts with others it doesn't do our mental health any good to compare or think about it.

Hope you manage to get past these thoughts. Maybe seek some counselling.

something2say · 30/07/2023 12:54

I did this years ago over an ex's ex - she was twenty years younger than me, proficient and better than me at the thing I loved and her parents were very rich - I ruminated over them and his love for her for the best part of six months, and then I got the fuck over it at Near Year by simply deciding that I am too much woman to compare myself to other women - let us ALL be fabulous, but I am NO LESS fabulous and we all take our places.

I am happy to hear you kicked this thought process into touch.

I read Women Who Run With the Wolves again recently and the chapter about the dark side of our own psyches is what we are talking about here I think - the bit that can take and run with us, to our detriment, and be wrong as well. We have to overcome that part of ourselves with wisdom and strength. I very seldom self harm with bad thoughts these days, and I know when I have done and feel silly - and ask, what did I REALLY need? x

We are so much better at mental health these days aren't we?

Original poster
Emotionalmama · 31/07/2023 09:20

So this thread really helped until I flipped out yesterday. My DH had an old Instagram business page that he doesn’t use and hasn’t used in years and he asked me to close it down. I didn’t have the password so had to log in through his old email connected to the account. When I went into the account I found a load of emails between him and his ex admittedly before we met. I shouldn’t have read them but the same curiosity that killed the cat got to me and I did.

He refers to me as a pet name all the time and said he’d never called anyone a pet name before but he did refer to as that in the emails so he lied and we had a massive row over it. I actually vomited from reading the emails and haven’t been able to eat or sleep since.

waiting on gp to ring me back as I think I may have a touch of post partum depression. This is out of character for me completely.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 31/07/2023 10:25

Are you sure you should be in a relationship OP? It does sound awfully self destructive.
Would it not be worth just pressing pause on your marriage and sorting yourself out? It just sounds really toxic and unhealthy for you/DH.

Original poster
Emotionalmama · 31/07/2023 11:25

@Whattodo112222 its only been since the little man has come along. Before that I was so secure. I’m hoping it’s just some type of hormonal imbalance after giving birth. Tbh I wouldn’t trust myself to be on my own right now.

OP posts:
IfIHadAHeart · 31/07/2023 11:31

I could be way off the mark but are you using any contraception since the birth? I started on the mini-pill after birth as breastfeeding, and it sent me a bit crazy. Possibly cos combined with hormones being off after giving birth. I had similar thoughts but felt better within days of stopping the pill.

Farmageddon · 31/07/2023 11:52

OP you need to seek some help for this, hopefully your GP can refer you to counselling or something.
It sounds like you thought you were somehow superior to his ex because you were younger and slimmer, and now that you're not in shape you feel that you no longer have that.

But your husband loves you, it's not a competition, and you are a partnership - you will grow old together and if one of you gets sick or injured you will still love each other. You have internalised the idea that your only worth is how you look.
It will only destroy your self confidence if you only feel good when you weight a certain amount, we all get older and our bodies change.

You are so much more than how you look. If your husband gained a few pounds would you love him any less?
Please get some help for this.

Pesimistic · 31/07/2023 12:02

I've suffered with this on and off for the best part of a year, ovulation and period are what makes mine flare up and I'm fine the rest of the time. The best thing you can do is not feed it don't ask questions, as it will only give you relief in the moment and then you will ruminate about the answers and make up scenarios in your head.
Keep busy, focus on your self, and don't ever compare yourself.
It happened but it doesn't exist now, he's with you and loves you. It does get better but it will take effort for you not to give in to your need to ask these questions or look on social media, just don't do it. The more you ride out the feelings the easier it will become.

PaintedEgg · 31/07/2023 12:51

its probably hormones - but you need to stop. seriously. I know how it feels. i know it sucks. but you're hurting both of you

and unless you grew up in a convent you have a past too

you know how disgusting and annoying are these men who talk about women having body counts, being used up etc? they do it for the same reason why you ask your DH about his sex life with his ex. dont be like them

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