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Original poster

Retrospective jealousy

34 replies

Emotionalmama · 29/07/2023 18:04

Does anyone else experience retrospective jealously?

Me and DH recently had a baby less than 2 months ago (so admittedly hormones are a bit all over the show). He has two children with his ex girlfriend and I get on brilliant with them, he’s no contact with his ex and things are generally ok there but recently I’ve been having really bad retrospective jealously and intrusive thoughts about him having sex with his ex.

last week I bombarded him with questions about him and his ex’s sex life and he was honest with me but I ended up then making myself feel awful. They didn’t have a great relationship admittedly and sex was mostly make up sex it seems. Since Aunt Flo has came and gone I’ve been ok but today we were watching a movie that was talking about the passion of make up sex and, I know it sounds stupid, but it really triggered me. i felt sick to the stomach and couldn’t eat and went very quiet.

I know rationally I’m being irrational and toxic to be honest but I can’t help it.

my DH is a wonderful man and I trust him a billion percent and he has been so understanding and reassuring but I’m struggling so much and I don’t want to be. The thought of him with someone else, conceiving a child, him initiating sex with her. It’s driving me mental and I don’t know what to do. Please no hate or anything I’m genuinely struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emotionalmama · 31/07/2023 13:07

Yeah I have a past too and I have an ex who, at the time, I was besotted with and who I have absolutely not one bit of feeling for now so I get it rationally and upto this point in our marriage I’ve coped fine. I’m not on any contraception but actually thinking of going on the combined pill again. Was on it for ages and they stopped it because of my headaches but apart from that I liked it and it agreed with me mentally. I went on the mini pill and it never agreed with me at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emotionalmama · 31/07/2023 13:09

I suppose my issue is I’ve seen nice messages from my DH to her, calling her a pet name etc which doesn’t seem like much but he only really addresses me in pet names and not my actual name and he told me he’d never called anyone else a pet name. I feel like he’s nuanced a lot of detail whereas I never have nuanced about my past because I didn’t want exactly this to happen but the other way about.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 31/07/2023 13:10

Emotionalmama · 31/07/2023 13:09

I suppose my issue is I’ve seen nice messages from my DH to her, calling her a pet name etc which doesn’t seem like much but he only really addresses me in pet names and not my actual name and he told me he’d never called anyone else a pet name. I feel like he’s nuanced a lot of detail whereas I never have nuanced about my past because I didn’t want exactly this to happen but the other way about.

ok...why did you see the messages and did he sent them while you were together?

Whattodo112222 · 31/07/2023 13:15

OP - I know you're in a bad place at the moment, but you're pushing your husband away by being like this. FWIW he sounds like a decent guy from your posts. You've got to get a grip on whatever it is.. he might throw the towel in one day if not.
I wish you luck x

Sweepies · 31/07/2023 13:34

Oh OP I feel for you. I suffered with this (and still do to an extent) and its a vicious cycle. One day you will look back though and realise how silly and insignificant your worries were and you'll be annoyed at yourself for wasting so much time on it. Just push through and do not waste another thought on the past.

ValBiro · 31/07/2023 13:50

I've also been here too OP - I was pregnant with our second child so it was ridiculous to even entertain the jealousy, in hindsight, but like you I made myself sick with it. I was having a difficult pregnancy and was diagnosed with antenatal depression which I was medicated for. The hormones can be very hard to manage pre and post partum, you can probably pin a lot of it on that if you haven't otherwise felt like this before. Don't be afraid to ask for help!

QueenCamilla · 31/07/2023 14:12

People are all kinds of weird and bad. Fair enough. Just please, no more period talk. Put on your big girl pants and own your mental health problem.

None of the jealous, possessive and obsessive men I had the misfortune to know were menstruating during their psychotic outbursts.

It's not bloody 1890s and women don't get period hysteria. To anyone who thinks that they do however, some smelling salts, leeches and electro-shock therapy will see you through.

Farmageddon · 31/07/2023 14:25

Emotionalmama · 31/07/2023 13:09

I suppose my issue is I’ve seen nice messages from my DH to her, calling her a pet name etc which doesn’t seem like much but he only really addresses me in pet names and not my actual name and he told me he’d never called anyone else a pet name. I feel like he’s nuanced a lot of detail whereas I never have nuanced about my past because I didn’t want exactly this to happen but the other way about.

Ok but you need to understand that this isn't really about a pet name - I mean, in the grand scheme of things does an old pet name really matter? maybe he forgot to tell you about it, maybe he thought it would make you insecure and didn't tell you, maybe he (rightly) assumed it wasn't a big deal. He also probably didn't think you would be snooping in his old emails.

This isn't about a pet name or some emails because you were feeling this before you found them, and now you have another catalyst to be annoyed about. But it's just catastrophising and it is hurting you both. You need to see your GP and get a referral for some counselling.

barbieseyebrows · 31/07/2023 15:09

I kinda had this once until I unexpectedly met her

Totally normal woman, pleasant and not the Goddess I had imagined her to be

I couldn't care less about her or any of my DH's ex partners, they do not enter my mind

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