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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you ever wonder if you may have perhaps married the wrong person?

27 replies

FattyChick · 26/02/2008 20:48

I certainly do. Been married 9 years and feel like we are on a different wavelength. Got nothing in common anymore. I couldn't leave because DCs are too young and I have nowhere to go.

Two nights ago i accidently woke DH up (tripped over something) and he went beserk, calling me a stupid f**ing C (cant bring myself to even type the c word), and woke the DCs up . I was furious. I am struggling to even like him let alone love him. He did apologise the next day but he can be so verbally agressive sometimes. i keep dreaming of winning the lottery so I can leave.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 26/02/2008 20:51

I don't think that, no, but reading that makes me sad, gonna come out with the 'have you tried Relate?' chesnut....but also have a long hard think if you WANT to resolve issues.

Did you love him when you married or did you even have your doubts then?

MrsMattie · 26/02/2008 20:52

FattyChick, your husband sounds seriously abusive. That is just NOT the sort of thing a decent man would say to his wife, under any circumstances. Am seriously on your behalf.

dolally · 26/02/2008 20:55

How old are your dc's?

Very sad and angry for you.

Original poster
FattyChick · 26/02/2008 20:56

I agree, it's not an ideal way to speak to your partner and he knows I really hate the 'c'word. I did love him but question whether I still do .

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Original poster
FattyChick · 26/02/2008 20:56

DC's are 6 and 2.5.

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warmsummersday · 26/02/2008 21:01

Hi. I had to reply when I read this. OH and I have been together 10 years and im only 26 and we have 2 children. Yes I feel like this sometimes. Don't think we have much in common anymore and he is abit of a control freak and as I am getting older I am realising I don't need to be controlled. He puts me down alot. I even cancelled our wedding years ago and then we went onto have DD2 and I got PND but am now through that and off the tablets and I do feel really good and settled but every now and then something will come up or he will say something and my mind wonders.....................

Original poster
FattyChick · 26/02/2008 21:04

Wow warmsummersday - sounds like we have the same partners. I would seriously think about marrying him tbh. my DH is a control freak.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 26/02/2008 21:05

is him shouting at you a common occurance and is it always unprovoked? Has he always had anger management issues? Perhaps if he has always been like this, it could be a big ask wanting him to change now...perhaps you have grown 'out of' him, his behaviour no longer is acceptable.

In which case you need to talk first, a relationship should always be given a chance and so should your DH. Some men are oblivious to how their behaviour makes others feel. "I've always been like this so why should I change" kind of attitude. My DH has his moments and to begin with, before we married i had a right old battle on my hands making him understand that what he did had consequences....I was his first girlf, so up til then he could throw his temper tantrums and his mum and dad would run round like headless chickens doing their best to make his life better to stop him sulking, rather than him having consequences for his behaviour.

He did eventually grow up, but occasionally under stress or tiredness he regresses. I simply treat him like the toddler he is behaving like. "I will not speak to you until you can talk to me like an adult"....stick my ground for a few hours, leave him with the kids for a bit while i go out and shop and by the time I get home, dinner is cooked, cuppa tea made and lots of grovelly follows......

K20 · 26/02/2008 21:05

FattyChick my ex DH was the same as yours, eventually we split, he's putting me through hell financially and emotionally, but trust me it will be worth every moment the day I'm finally free of him. Strangely the abusiveness only started with the arrival of DC2 and he suddenly became number 3 on my list of priorities with two young DCs to look after. the marriage just never recovered

Meeely2 · 26/02/2008 21:06

grovelling

Original poster
FattyChick · 26/02/2008 21:09

K20, I think my DH would make my life hell if I left him. He would say I was unfit, suffer depression (even though I don't), and a few other things like, i would rather be on the computer than spend time with the DCs.. etc.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 26/02/2008 21:16

your life sounds hell already fatty tbh, so whats to loose? at least he wouldn't be there anymore?

dolally · 26/02/2008 21:28

he could say what he likes fatty,- doesn't make it true.

the thing is, this is what your life is going to be like, what your dc's lives will be like. Unless he changes. Can he change? Does he want to change? Can he be made to want to change?

Original poster
FattyChick · 26/02/2008 21:30

Meely2, i'm not sure what i am going to do yet. If i could afford to leave i would. I need to talk to citizens advice. i will keep you updated.

Thanks All.

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Original poster
FattyChick · 26/02/2008 21:32

dolally, iam not sure if he wants to change? i am not happy with him talking to me like shit in front of the kids. i know it upset my 6 yo DD.

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warmsummersday · 26/02/2008 21:33

Fattychick, yes it doesn doesn't it!

The shouting is very common and normally if I do something wrong (which isn't even something major), god knows what would happen if i crashed the car or something! I think he is becoming more aware of how he is and I have told him to change etc and the last time we had a row he dealt with it in a different way rather than shouting which was a shock. But when I do something worng or he has a go and tries to deal with it calmly I just clam up and can't take it and don't talk to him. i have also told him to change this way because our DD is becoming more aware of it aswell. Everything is my fault though according to him and im not allowed an opinion and he is always right.

Meeely2 · 26/02/2008 21:34

he needs to know that he needs to change. If he's thinking "she don't care" he will carry on. If he knows he needs to change but still can't be arsed then time for you to take the bull by the horns and make the decision. Let him make someone elses life shit, just don't let it be yours.

Original poster
FattyChick · 26/02/2008 21:43

Thanks Meely, I liked your last post it rang true. Thanks xx.

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lupo · 26/02/2008 22:40

yes, when he is being a difficult twat i do

readytopop · 26/02/2008 23:02

meely and fatty, tbh I think my dh came from the same mould.

I have started using the 'extremly disappointed in you' line recently, but there are times like tonight when I could cheerfully murder the sod.

It's very difficult trying to get through to him how much his behaviour affects ds(4 in april). after dh's strop this afternoon, ds was looking for reassurance that we wouldn't be in the position we were in a few weeks ago where he had the door key (@ a pub somewhere) and I had to climb in through a window I fortunatly had not secured properly. I have now been accused of coaching ds, but as you know, these things do affect them, and they become a lot more needy because of them.

It's a tough one isn't it. I have thought about leaving, and several people have recommended this site for help. For me, now is not the time, and so I am trying to get him to see that there are some things that need addressing, the way he speaks to me just being one of them.

Good luck

readytopop · 26/02/2008 23:04

running joke for me at the mo:

Given the current state of the prisons, if I did murder him, how many years do you think I'd get? What's the betting I'd get a slap on the wwrist and told not to do it again?!

littlewoman · 27/02/2008 10:34

My xh spoke to me like this all the time. It doesn't matter if they apologise because it has already occured and can't be erased, and all these little things form a 'savings account' of resentment. Every day another deposit of insults and hurtful behaviour. I don't mean that we necessarily hold grudges against them, but this little savings account colours our picture of them and our picture of us. Don't know if the analogy makes sense to you, but that is how it felt to me. In the end, I had 'saved' enough to finish with him completely.

hk78 · 27/02/2008 11:55

fattychick, warmsummers, are we all married to the same tosspot? sounds like my dh really.

fatty, i constantly have the lottery dream but then i think 'yes but he wont be out of my life': our dh's would still be in our lives because of the dc's

sorry you're in this situation. sympathise

cruisemum1 · 27/02/2008 12:52

me too! when i had flu recently he tried it on and when i refused him on the grounds of feeling like death he told me to fuck off and be ill then and that i was rejecting him blah blah blah

Original poster
FattyChick · 27/02/2008 13:32

cruisemum1, my DH refused to take time off work when I had the flu recently, however he took a week off work on the sick to sort the garden out . I often wonder how he would react if I became very ill? he wouldn't be able to cope and would probably dump me. his aggression is getting worse (not physically), and I have had enough. Now i must go to the shops to buy my lottery ticket and pray to god I win so i can leave.

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