Hi everyone,
For a long long time my marriage has been stale and lonely. I have tried to address this with dh many times, taking on board what we both say and want and coming at it from an angle that its both of us. In the beginning I assumed it was lost in the chaos of dc, work and general busy life but now im confused and for some time have suspected an affair.
Dh barley acknowledges my existence unless its to ask me something about dc or the running of the home.
He is never fully present with me. He is sometimes with the dc but prefers to be busy doing. He does pull his weight around the home and with childcare. He is not unkind just distant.
He never looks at me apart from the rare occasion when he wants sex. Its infrequent.
There is no affection, conversation or rapport between us.
I have to follow him around to try and chat to him and I get no response, im often ignored or get a grunt. He sometimes eye rolls or sighs.
He turns away from me, especially in bed. He sits with earphones in once dc are in bed.
He pretty much treats me like im invisible or just an appliance looking after the dc.
I have never felt so unloved and lonley and its beginning to affect my self esteem.
We have had a number of discussions about this. Its always initiated by me. He does not seem to care and never brings up wanting to fix the relationship. He would be happy to plod on like it is. During these discussions he says he is also unhappy but never comes up with fixes and says he is this way because I am. That makes no sense because its me who puts in all the effort to connect. He says he wants to stay married, loves me and wants us to be happy. Things never change though. Its all one sided.
I recently admitted to him that id been having treatment for an illness that id kept to myself. I had told him I was working late when I was in hospital. The reason I didn't say anything is because im embarrassed that since childbirth he is disgusted with my body and I didn't want to add to that. He was really hurt and said this is an example of me not making an effort in the relationship. The thing is I have lost a considerable amount of weight due to the pain of the illness and the stress of life. I feel awful about my body. On a recent family holiday I made a comment that I thought I looked ok in my swimwear but was upset about some areas due to the weightloss. He looked at my stomach and grimaced. During the rare times we have sex he says im sexy but out of that nothing. Its been weeks since I told him about the hospital stay and he hasn't asked once if all is going ok or if im feeling better.
I did say that I don't feel able to come to him with problems or worries because he either doesn't listen or will turn it round to be about him. He is really the last person I would call in an emergency or come to for support and help which is sad. I don't have anyone else in my life so I usually deal with anything alone. I used to go to him but its exhausting when you get disinterest or even a disagreement when you do.
I have asked about affair. It just seems so likely. Hes not interested in us and is glued to his phone.
I just can't see when he would find time though as he is only ever at work or home. I have no other proof. He obviously denies it.
I know my marriage is dead but I cant understand why his actions don't follow his words. I feel like I need a reason, such as affair, to find closure.