Just hurt so much I can't breathe

[Iwaskitty]

Just need a hand hold tonight. I'm getting divorced. I posted here a while ago, but stbxh found my post so I had to delete my account. I had no choice but to end the marriage. Therapist, GP, women's aid, all of my friends, all of mutual friends and everyone on here told me it was abusive.

Since then, I've been able to talk about the sex, and Therapist, samaritans, and rape crisis all tell me it was so coercive, there was no consent.

So, divorce has to happen. But it's so hard. I'm nearly there, but have to sell the house. He's not here, but he's cut back the money and I can't afford to live. I'm doing everything, as always. Clearing the house, raising the dcs (teens), doing all of the divorce paperwork and he just tries to bully from outside. I have a good Therapist, but I'm exhausted.

And then work. I'm overwhelmed. Burnt out. Aware that I've been bullied there too, and so that's more work, more boundaries. Can't afford to leave and don't have the strength right now.

Some days I'm great, I'm strong, and I believe it's going to be okay. Tonight, I'm awful. I have slept this week and I'm so tired I hurt.

I just want someone to make it better for me. So so tired.

Haven't slept, ffs. I keep waking up at 4am. It's midnight now. I'm so tired.

OP, you are stronger than you think,you have to see the end game, visualise months down the line your life.
a better job, better money, happier times,
visualise sitting round the table laughing with your kids without your husband there
a new home and a fresh start

you might feel broken now, but you’re just getting started.
in a years time your life will be completely different.
You can sleep, you can turn the switch off and tomorrow you will have a lie in. Get some rest x

I'm so sorry. Hang on in there - when you're free of him it will all be worth it,

Keep believing that it's all going to be ok, because it honestly is. When you're going through hell, keep going. You know the way things were couldn't continue. It would have destroyed you. You're nearly there, just keep hanging on.

You poor thing. I am so glad you are getting a divorce and I think it might be time to start looking for another job as well. How horrible to suffer at home and at work at the same time. You will get through this. I hope your children are behind you all the way. 💐

Thank you. I slept for four hours. Not enough but something.

Children are 100% supportive. It's hard for them, but they saw how he was. They can cope with him for a few hours at a time, but that's all. He can be great fun, but it's like Russian Roulette, they don't know what they're going to get. He's gone to pieces, I think, but that was inevitable.

Imagine adhd, and extreme narcissism, mixed together in a highly outgoing, intelligent man. The most sympathetic thing any of my/his friends have said about him is that he is very unwell and damaged. I just couldn't cope any more.

Work - it's complicated. I have a very strong client base, but 2 and a half times a manageable case load. And, for historical and complicated reasons, I don't make much money. I know I've either got to leave or make fundamental changes. Other, difficult, characters involved.

Therapy has been incredible and we've done a huge amount of work. I've had cptsd, but it's getting better. I know I've been bullied all of my life, and I was an extreme people pleaser and enabler as a result.

I just have days when it is overwhelming. The physical pain of healing this, and staying strong, and trying not to get pulled into old ways. But the old ways were so bad, I can't do that. It's like I'm at war with myself.

I think I'm going to get sleeping tablets again. I hate the drugged feeling, but 4 hours a night for weeks on end is killing me.

Oh op, you're doing amazingly! I know it doesn't feel like it but it sounds like you're just willing your way out of your chrysalis ready to be a beautiful butterfly.

Are you managing to get exercise and decent food? You're going through a load of stress and your body holds in tension which might affect sleep - some yoga videos and lots of walking might help (or something more ferocious like boxercise classes if you can manage that)

Have you tried writing in a notebook when you can't sleep? Helps to stop the same thoughts going round and round.

So glad you're making positive changes, it hurts and it's tough but there's no going back. It's absolutely radical to take good care of yourself.

@@Iwaskitty

im sorry you've been bullied your whole life 💐

I get very little sleep, it's certainly not helpful! If you're waking or kept awake due to worry, keep trying to tell yourself that now isn't the time to be problem solving, that you'll think about that 'tomorrow' (I've got better at that bit!!)

re the house. Do you love it? Is it in a good location for schools, work, kids friends etc? Do you want to stay??

Is there anything more affordable you could buy?

id think very carefully before deciding selling up is the best/only
option. Moving is very expensive, possibly higher interest rates & the cost & upheaval of moving.

Have you looked at what he should be paying? Have you looked at what benefits you're entitled to?

could you get a lodger?

Work. Can't help there as not enough detail, but low paid due to historical reasons etc sounds like something you just need to gather the strength to deal with. Get angry, get what you're worth!

you've done well to get you & your kids OUT of the situation.

I'm tempted to pull the duvet up and doze, but you've motivated me to get up & get shit done!! Thank you 🫶🏻

Hope you can rest today. I find a low dose of anti histamine can be helpful when sleep is really bad.

Thank you. I won't be able to sleep today, never can sleep during the day. I spent about 6 months over 2021/22 taking sleeping tablets (gp prescribed) and I think I may need to get some mild ones. Hate how groggy they make me feel, but better than the pain and fear.

I know what's going on. Just talked to my closest friend and she gets it. She knows the details and tells me it will be okay.

I am better than 2021/22, when I thought I was going to die. Just have horrific nights like last night when I can't breathe.

I have to sell the house. It's big, has a lot of equity which he wants his share of, and I can't afford to run it, let alone buy him out. I should have enough for a 2 bed flat, which I'm good with. It's the practicalities of clearing a 4 bed family home, garage, garden etc and downsizing me and 2 teenagers into a 2 bed that's a hassle. But he's cut the money right back on purpose now, I'll have to borrow temporarily to keep going.

Have cut back what I can - gym, Netflix etc, but my money goes on the kids anyway, so they are going to miss out. He's clever, and I know that he's giving me the minimum he needs to. They know it too.

I've always just put up with everything. Married over 20 years, and he was convinced I'd never leave. It was everything you read on this board - I sat down a wrote out the ltb moments. I stopped at 70, and know there were endless more. The cptsd was awful when the flashbacks started.

Work the same. Been there nearly 3 decades. Always put up with crap, and now I've just burnt out. But I can't leave yet.

Thanks for just listening.

It is horrendous when the realisation hits about what you have tolerated all this time. It is the most sober of home truths. You are doing the work OP. You are really listening to yourself now. Just keep going, this is how you heal. This is the pain that you need to feel to make change. Treat yourself as lovingly as you can right now as you make changes to reclaim the life you deserve. Take care.

OP can you take some time off work -sign off sick for a couple of weeks or so, will you get full pay or statutory sick pay? If it's full Pay then don't think about it twice and call in sick on Monday.

There is a bit of anxiety at play here too it sounds like, which can partially be from
Lack of sleep. Agree with previous poster, not to self medicate but antihistamine does have a sleep effect if you take one half an hour before bed. Might help you tonight until you can speak to GP on Monday.

I'm going to get an antihistamine for tonight, thanks. That's what I had last time, and I know that the over the counter dose can help.

Work - I am work. Self employed, in a partnership. If I'm off, no one does my work, it just back logs. I worked through every illness, maternity leave etc. I am changing things, and I've made it absolutely clear that I have burnt out, but I don't think they're listening. Because, in the past, I've always just coped. I may have to leave, and I'm getting my head around that, but it's like my house. I've spent 25 years building this, and destroying it and walking away feel like I'm dying, even though I know I have to and want to.

I'm working on an inventory for the divorce right now. And I realised I just want to get a skip and throw the lot. Start again. 25 years of memories. My poor kids.

How are you today OP, did you get some sleep?

In relation to work, can you make a short term plan just to do a few hours a day whilst you deal with the rest of it. I know it's not ideal but you need to cut some slack for yourself somewhere so you have more head space to get through this.

@YoBeaches thank you. I slept a bit on Saturday night, but I felt like death yesterday and I've been up since 4am now. I cried so much last night, I just feel raw this morning. I woke up crying.

I've been cagey about work, because I'm so paranoid about being recognised, but what the hell.

I'm a partner in a small high street law firm. Been there nearly three decades. My case load is over two and a half times what it should be, and it's totally unmanageable. In theory, I'm in control of it, but I've been there so long it's hard to turn existing clients away.

My original partner is difficult, and I am aware that I have been bullied for 30 years. That and an abusive marriage, it's broken me. I know why - 18 months of counselling has made it very clear. Obviously all to do with my upbringing.

So, if I take time off, the work piles up and the clients get angry. Just adds to the problem.

And I've spent the weekend trying to sort out the household contents for the divorce, whilst supporting my 16 year old who was distraught yesterday about losing his home. He's a pragmatic child, I haven't seen him cry in years. He's refusing to see his dad, which is fine, but it's awful watching him hurt.

I don't know where to turn, to be honest. I spent a long time this weekend thinking I'd be better dead, but I can't because of the children.

I am sending you a big hug and telling you you've got this, and things WILL get better. The future happiness of your kids and yourself is a prize worth fighting for, so focus on that and take each day as it comes. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

The sleeping thing is a bugger, I know, especially the wee small hours. When all the negative thoughts crowd my head at three o'clock in the morning I tell myself firmly it's just that time again and not to listen to them. It can help sometimes to say you don't need to do anything right now, and give yourself permission to go back to sleep for a few hours. If it helps, I give you permission! Otherwise please know there are many of us out there awake in the night, and I send good thoughts to my friends who may well be awake as well. I will also make myself a cup of tea, which can be really comforting and cheering in the middle of the night. Remember there is usually someone around on MN if you need to talk.

If I'm awake this week I shall send you good wishes. 😊

Oh OP what a difficult time for you. But it will get better. You have a life ahead of you, a whole set of new opportunities and memories to be made. You just need to overcome this, albeit, huge hurdle you're at now. You've made the best decision and therapy sounds like it's been transformational. Well done. So many people don't get that far.
First step- lean on people, friends and family, ask for help and advice.
Second step- can you employ someone more junior at work/ a temp to take on the caseload. If not say ‘no’ to anything new, you can say no and need to say no.
Third step- when the bully at works says anything snide/under hand, whatever their method is try and stand up for yourself. Take a deep breathe and explain ‘im divorcing my husband, sorting out a new home, in just about keeping my shit together here and I could use some support don't don't end up ill’
Fourth step- Get the house on the market asap. Don't pay anything that is in his name, that's his problem. You and the kids starting sorting and ridding little by little. Cast your net as far as you can to get what you need, it won't be perfect but it's the first step.
Lastly remember what your therapist has worked through with you and look ahead, not back. Grey/yellow rock your ex and move on with your head held high ❤️

This might might seem over simple but it helps me. When I’m stuck in a stressful situation and there is a long way to go before it will be over I try to remember to reflect on what I have managed/achieved so far. Sometimes beginning something you know is going to be stressful is really hard, perhaps the hardest part. You did that and you handled it. Keep reminding yourself of what you’ve handled so far and that might boulster your courage, resilience whatever you need to keep ploughing through. Keep going- you’ll get there💪

You are making great progress. And regardless of your high skill and profession don't forget that the likes of womens aid are there for all women and may offer you support that you didn't realise would be helpful. It could be worth contacting them just to talk things through.

Could you financially take a break from work whilst all this goes on? Do you have any asset/ profit stored in the business if you pulled out completely?

You need to think of you first, dc second. And agree stop paying any bills that you don't have to. Is he giving enough to pay the bills or only part of them? Have you made a claim for child maintenance yet?

Thank you, everyone. It means a lot to read the replies.

I have just taken on more staff, I've been really proactive about this, but it feels like an avalanche most of the time. I have to be strong here at work, just like I do with the dcs at home, but it's so bloody hard.

Taking a break is not an option, unfortunately. I don't come from money, my family life growing up was a similar situation - oh, she'll cope, let's worry about the others etc. Every penny went on the dcs and the house. No choice but to keep going.

Divorce wise, i am just about to finalise the draft consent order. He is currently paying half the mortgage and buildings insurance and a sum of money towards ds2, which is not as much as he should be. Not enough to cover the bills. I have a plan, though, it's just step at a time.

Honestly, I've always been a problem solver. Not a victim. But this whole thing has totally broken me. I'm ripping my entire life to pieces right now, and I don't have anywhere safe to run. Not home, not work, not family. Everyone leans on me, and they're happy to slag others off and tell me what to do..but none of them actually take any responsibility for their part in this.

Outwardly, I'm strong and reliable. Reality is that I've been a total enabler without realising and everyone has just taken advantage for ever. And now I've said, enough, they're all throwing everything at me.

I'm feeling better, by the way. Back into "I've got this" mode.

You are going to have highs and lows. That will be normal so don't beat yourself up.

It's good you have staff to help keep things moving. I always like this stage to being a juggler. Throwing all your balls upmin the air you have to choose which to catch and which to let go.

A roof over your heads.
Food in the table.
A means of income.

You have all of these. Appreciate the first will change but you can have some control over that.

Keep doing what you are doing. Try and get some time out for yourself if you can - a walk, a coffee, a trip to the cinema. You don't have to enjoy it, but the time away will help overall.

I like the juggler thing. So, this is a stage? I find it hugely reassuring when I realise that something is part of a pattern, and not me being crap/imagining it or just going mad.

That's exactly how it feels. I dropped everything apart from the dcs. They are just amazing, I can't tell you how proud I am that they are my children.

Sorry my typing was awful!

It is a stage, or perhaps for you, stages running in parallel. Your juggler balls are all the things that are important enough to catch. The ones you let go are the thing a that can be replaced in time with something new.

You are recovering.
You are rebuilding.
You are clearing out.
You are maintaining.

(It's no wonder you can't sleep)

I'm glad you feel proud of your DCs - they will be your strength and support in the future. And in time you'll awaken to all the freedoms you have acquired through this current ordeal.

One step forward each day no matter how small. Did you speak to GP?

Can you focus on your valuable and/or reasonable clients and let the rest go?
Can you take steps to dissolve the partnership and become a solo practitioner?