Just hurt so much I can't breathe

[Iwaskitty]

Just need a hand hold tonight. I'm getting divorced. I posted here a while ago, but stbxh found my post so I had to delete my account. I had no choice but to end the marriage. Therapist, GP, women's aid, all of my friends, all of mutual friends and everyone on here told me it was abusive.

Since then, I've been able to talk about the sex, and Therapist, samaritans, and rape crisis all tell me it was so coercive, there was no consent.

So, divorce has to happen. But it's so hard. I'm nearly there, but have to sell the house. He's not here, but he's cut back the money and I can't afford to live. I'm doing everything, as always. Clearing the house, raising the dcs (teens), doing all of the divorce paperwork and he just tries to bully from outside. I have a good Therapist, but I'm exhausted.

And then work. I'm overwhelmed. Burnt out. Aware that I've been bullied there too, and so that's more work, more boundaries. Can't afford to leave and don't have the strength right now.

Some days I'm great, I'm strong, and I believe it's going to be okay. Tonight, I'm awful. I have slept this week and I'm so tired I hurt.

I just want someone to make it better for me. So so tired.

No, I put off talking to the gp. She has been amazing, but I tried anti depressants last year and they made me feel awful. I know I could try others, but i actually feel okay a lot of the time. Gp and counsellor think I need to work through the trauma and it's not depression.

It's just overwhelming at times. When I tell anyone even a single example, they always have the same shocked look on their face. But, to me, it was just normal.

Regarding clients, I actually enjoy the low value stuff most. I'm in a mixed area and my high value clients give me far more grief and trouble than my lower value clients. I may have to leave yet, but I can't drop it now. I'm terrified I'd end up on a part bench if I did. I'm not thinking rationally a lot of the time.

The problem isn't the actual work, it's the fact that I have been awful with boundaries, because I didn't know that they existed. I didn't know how to stand up for myself at all.
I put up with behaviour that was totally unacceptable. And now I've had my eyes opened and I've woken up.

And the realisation has been hell. I can't go back.

I'm calmer now. DS2 has been good this evening too. think he's coming to terms with it too.

OP there is actually a huge difference in how you are coming across between your first post and your last.

You are doing it. You are working through it. Even though you might not see if fully yourself, and appreciate you have some way to go. But you are doing it, it's not impossible.

Be proud of yourself, as well as your kids.

And I've crashed again. Hate the nights.

@Iwaskitty Agree with the above poster. You do sound stronger. You may just have needed to let it all out. That’s what we’re here for.

I wonder, how are your iron levels? It’s easy to let them slip. I didn’t get a blood test, I just took one tablet a day for a fortnight and now take two per week as a post menopausal maintenance dose. One of the first things I noticed was how much better my sleep got.

Thanks, I saw the gp this morning and she's put me on a low dose anti depressant, just to get me through this bit. She agreed, I'm definitely not depressed, just burnt out and exhausted. I'm not a fan on tablets, but I think I need to get my head clear so I can do what I need to do.

Seatoncarew drinking tea will keep you awake even more unless it’s decaffeinated

I've been in a similar place a couple of times, once earlier this year. Take the tablets and see if they work, they've got to be worth a go. For me they didn't, so I was using Rescue Remedy and Kalms.

If you can't sleep, then at least make sure you're resting. Have a search on You Tube for music to help you sleep - I have a couple of favourites and they've almost become a sleep trigger now. I've also used hypnotherapy tracks that I purchased online (I used Clear Minds), again really helpful.

Other suggestions: eat good food and drink lots of water. Get some fresh air everyday, prefeably a walk. But not walking to work or the shops!!

As for the divorce, and the abusive ex. You will get through this. I'm an abuse survivor (all the kinds you can think of), and 20 years later I can assure you that it was categorically the best thing I ever did. Your children will thank you for it!