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Original poster

His life as he knows it has imploded, he's taking space ...

36 replies

ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 16:49

I'm wondering if it's over I guess...
Only started something together... lovely and casual. Suited us both as we are both busy people.A few months .

He got some terrible news recently and is essentially knee deep trying to support others in a complex family tragedy , at home and dealing with all the emotions surrounding it, himself .

It's his own parents and siblings.

He's been kind but honest and has told me that he just cannot continue at the moment because he simply does not have the time nor the head space. I understand this but selfishly of course I'm disappointed .

I believe him and he has no reason to lie as I've been there for the urgent phone calls, hospital visits and ambulance requests.

This whole situatiin could take up to a year to sort out . I won't wait around for him essentially but have to wonder if people do reach out again, after a family tragedy or do things change utterly, in your experience ??
I will be busy getting on with my own life and responsibilities but definitely saw potential.
We are early 50's.

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:04

I think he’s using it as an excuse OP

if he was married or a parent of young children he couldn’t just decide to end things when something happens. You balance and make it work.

Somanycats · 28/07/2023 17:08

But it would be wrong surely to prioritise someone you have had casual dates with for a few months over a real family emergency surely? Or even to give them equal priority.

Original poster
ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:11

We were seeing each other casually for a few months.
I've had to ask myself what I would have done and I would have done likewise.
We are not in any contact because we both feel that continuing the texting and chatting would give a false sense of intimacy, if that makes sense .
I don't want to be led on and he doesn't want the extra stress, I'm sure.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 28/07/2023 17:11

Absolutely what @Somanycats said, I had a terrible family situation last year and if I had been in a casual relationship I absolutely would have called it off as I would not have had the physical time or mental and emotional availability to deal with it on top of everything else. I barely even spoke to close friends for a few months as I didn’t have the time or energy.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:14

Somanycats · 28/07/2023 17:08

But it would be wrong surely to prioritise someone you have had casual dates with for a few months over a real family emergency surely? Or even to give them equal priority.

Who said anything about “prioritising”

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:15

op when ypu say causally for a few months - what does that actually look like? Are we talking cinema and dinner once a week or much more regularly and a weekend break or two?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/07/2023 17:16

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:04

I think he’s using it as an excuse OP

if he was married or a parent of young children he couldn’t just decide to end things when something happens. You balance and make it work.

But that's not the same thing, is it? They're not married, don't have kids, there is no commitment at all. Whatever it is that this guy is going through, at least he has had the decency to tell the OP that he's not in the game any more.

Original poster
ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:16

Once a week for dinners, drinks, activities with a couple of overnights.
We were only beginning really.
Chatted every day on the phone and then usual texting.

OP posts:
Wheretostartstitching · 28/07/2023 17:19

My mum died about 19 months ago. I didn’t dump Dp. However we had been together for about 5 years then. for a good long while I didn’t have the emotional energy for him really. I haven’t been an engaged partner though I am much better than I was.

Between grieving, making sure my kids were ok and supporting them and work I was drained. It may not have been particularly fair to Dp. But he supported me and believed I would be back to my old self. That still remains to be seen, though I do have the energy for him and I am much better. I have changed as a person though. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

If I was casually seeing someone, especially in the early days. I would have done the same as this man has. I wouldn’t have been interested in the dating, the excitement, the remembering to text, the having to interact because I felt obliged to. Having someone I barely know witness the most difficult time of my life, wouldn’t have been for me. And this man has a more complex situation that.

I totally get where he is coming from. He may reach out down the line. But people change. In a year you may not be interested. In a year, who he is may have changed completely and he may not want to.

Sorry this happened though.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:20

Introduced to family and friends?

and tables turned, would you want to end things?

Wheretostartstitching · 28/07/2023 17:21

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:04

I think he’s using it as an excuse OP

if he was married or a parent of young children he couldn’t just decide to end things when something happens. You balance and make it work.

He isn’t Ops parent or married to her.

Its not even remotely the same

Original poster
ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:26

If I'm
To be honest , yes I would have stopped it there and then. I wouldn't be able to cope with another 'responsibility' as a casual partner .. the texts, the meet ups, the calls when together that go on for ages, the ruminating and constant talk about the situation. Yes I would have finished it , but with a heavy heart.
Haven't met any of them nor him mine.
We met half way, in neutral places as we didn't want our kids involved and also when we met the family issue began soon after , as in a week or so.
We continued along. He was mostly distracted especially towards the end .
I See why but I am selfishly disappointed .

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:27

Ah ok then. It’s over but you’d have done the same. And doesn’t sound serious. Onwards and upwards Op

Original poster
ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:28

So... in your experience is that it for us?
Will I hear from him again I wonder ?

OP posts:
Loverofoxbowlakes · 28/07/2023 17:28

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:04

I think he’s using it as an excuse OP

if he was married or a parent of young children he couldn’t just decide to end things when something happens. You balance and make it work.

Nah.

I had BIG STUFF going on last year and really struggled to keep going with it all work, kids, dp, but you kind of have to as well, they're your kids, your livelihood and a life-partner. It got to the point that dp and I were in a really bad place just hanging on by our fingertips.

Someone I'd been dating for 6m would have had to take a massive back seat and I would definitely have let that slide - not necessarily because I wanted to but because when something has to give in order to free up some heads pace it just can't be your kids or long term partner. Hell, even work got ditched for a while.

He might come back op. Offer him support and if you want to, a promise to stay around if he needs you, keep the door open. Only time will tell.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:29

ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:28

So... in your experience is that it for us?
Will I hear from him again I wonder ?

He’s told you it’ll be going on for a year so unlikely

HangingOver · 28/07/2023 17:31

The thing is...in a newish relationship you make yourself very vulnerable if you choose to include the other person in something so deeply hurtful and personal. He might feel like it's too soon to bring you into something so heavy...or he might be worried about leaning on you at such a crucial time in case you go away and leave him feeling even sadder.

Original poster
ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:35

Interestingly, his words were , on a number of occasions, that he had no wish not want to drag me into this shitstorm and Graf me down with him.
From what I could see , he was a decent and honourable man but of course I was only getting to know him.
A part of his personality that really stood out for me was his acute conscience... from his family to kids to work to saying something hurtful accidentally.
He often felt guilt, but appropriately.
He has a huge conscience .

OP posts:
Original poster
ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:36

*drag

OP posts:
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 28/07/2023 17:38

ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:28

So... in your experience is that it for us?
Will I hear from him again I wonder ?

Maybe, but you can't live your life waiting.

As he has been decent and at least explained rather than ghosted I think, if he gets back in touch and you are in a place where you'd like to see how things go, then you do that. See how they go, start a fresh as if you have never met, the pp is right- neither of you will be the same person a year from now.

But you can't hold your life waiting for someone you might not even like in the end.

I'm sorry this has happened.

NeedToChangeName · 28/07/2023 17:39

He sounds like a decent guy. I'd take a big step back, but perhaps contact him in 6 months or so, to see how he is

Original poster
ohangelofgod · 28/07/2023 17:40

I won't wait and I have a full and busy life but for me at least, at my age and stage, it's been really difficult to meet with and be compatible with someone special !
I'm selfishly disappointed I guess , but I know myself well enough to say that if we did text and chat occasionally , I would and I know he would, find that false sense of intimacy too hurtful so onwards I guess .

OP posts:
GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 28/07/2023 17:40

@Wheretostartstitching wrote this……

“Having someone I barely know witness the most difficult time of my life wouldn’t have been for me”

I think this is a really important part. Some people just retreat into the essentials of life only when something like this happens. He may or may not want to carry on, no way of knowing really.

But I know people who have had something happen, and have been supported through it, sometimes cut all ties afterwards. I’ve heard it described to the supportive friend as ‘you know too much’.

When I’m having bad times I want to be left alone. I don’t want support, I can support myself but I need to be left alone. Perhaps it’s something like that?

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2023 17:41

Loverofoxbowlakes · 28/07/2023 17:28

Nah.

I had BIG STUFF going on last year and really struggled to keep going with it all work, kids, dp, but you kind of have to as well, they're your kids, your livelihood and a life-partner. It got to the point that dp and I were in a really bad place just hanging on by our fingertips.

Someone I'd been dating for 6m would have had to take a massive back seat and I would definitely have let that slide - not necessarily because I wanted to but because when something has to give in order to free up some heads pace it just can't be your kids or long term partner. Hell, even work got ditched for a while.

He might come back op. Offer him support and if you want to, a promise to stay around if he needs you, keep the door open. Only time will tell.

Show quote history

Dating casually for a few months isn't comparable with being married with young children!

I agree with this but I wouldn't put life on hold for him.

Get on with your life and, if he gets in touch when it's over and you're still available, see what happens then.

NewNameNigel · 28/07/2023 17:43

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:04

I think he’s using it as an excuse OP

if he was married or a parent of young children he couldn’t just decide to end things when something happens. You balance and make it work.

Are you suggesting that people should show the same level of commitment to balancing the needs of someone they have been casually dating that they would to their young child? Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes!

OP, he might reach out, he might not. But I suspect that after a year you will have moved on.

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