His life as he knows it has imploded, he's taking space ...

[ohangelofgod]

I'm wondering if it's over I guess...
Only started something together... lovely and casual. Suited us both as we are both busy people.A few months .

He got some terrible news recently and is essentially knee deep trying to support others in a complex family tragedy , at home and dealing with all the emotions surrounding it, himself .

It's his own parents and siblings.

He's been kind but honest and has told me that he just cannot continue at the moment because he simply does not have the time nor the head space. I understand this but selfishly of course I'm disappointed .

I believe him and he has no reason to lie as I've been there for the urgent phone calls, hospital visits and ambulance requests.

This whole situatiin could take up to a year to sort out . I won't wait around for him essentially but have to wonder if people do reach out again, after a family tragedy or do things change utterly, in your experience ??
I will be busy getting on with my own life and responsibilities but definitely saw potential.
We are early 50's.

I think he also found it embarrassing and what I mean by that is that , at the moment, my life is going well after years of a serious clusterfuck, I'm happy, my kids are happy, we have a fun and busy time during holidays and life is finally coming together .
One day when chatting I explained that I had divorce coming up and was dreading it.
He told me that in a messed up way, it worried him that he took some
Solace in the fact that I had one area of my life that want going amazingly well.
He didn't say this out of jealousy or being sinister . He simply found it a relief that it wasn't just his life that wasn't a mess in ways.

Hi OP

something similar happened to me, except it was his personal tragedy/illness. He also wanted to put this relationship on hold for an undefined period of time and 'wanted to still contact me every now and then as and when he felt he could'. It kept me in limbo for ages, waiting for the day he felt he had sorted himself out enough. It was truly terrible for me. I was so caught up in the fantasy of a potential future together that I did not let go for a long time until I got so angry that I finally did.

For your own sanity, I suggest you mourn what you had and thought you would have in the future, cut all contact and focus on yourself. I realised in my case, that he wanted to maintain access to me without doing anything for any sort of relationship (friendship or romantic) and I did feel a bit used.

If you move on on your own terms, look after yourself, you may or may not find back to each other. But if you hold onto it and 'wait', you will resent him and the situation forever and you might hold it over him and so the relationship will never work.

Agree with others that he could not just withdraw if you were married and I had the same thoughts when I went through this. I even told him that.

He is telling you that he does not want you there during this difficult time and is willing to check out from you - you better acknowledge that, because however terrible it is it is still a choice he is making.

I don't think so.

The OP said it's a complex family tragedy, so he's probably having to deal with a lot more than something like a simple bereavement after an illness. I once knew someone whose sister was murdered, and something like that changes your life. She could barely function for months, and then the court case brought it all up again.

If he’s a decent, genuine bloke and it’s meant to be, it will.

I know that sounds trite but it’s true.

Assuming he’s been honest with you, he’s made a choice in good conscience and you are accepting it as such and getting on with your life as you should.

As someone else said, no harm in dropping him a message in a few months and seeing how he’s getting on if you want to. It’s not impossible that it could work out in the long run.

I have (many years ago) been in a situation like this. 6 months in and he ended it.. his mum and dad both diagnosed with cancer so like you I was more upset than I let on and knew he couldn't put any time into a relationship.
Over a year later he reached out.. couldn't stop thinking about me, situation had changed, I was on cloud nine.
Hurt like nothing else when it didn't work out just under a year In. I was a sobbing heartbroken mess. Maybe more to do with age though. I was in my 20s.

I would just tell him I like you and I like your company, don't be a stranger when you feel like you've got some headspace xxx

And then if I'm/when he's back in touch then you can see where you're at - you might be open to seeing him again or you might have met someone else. Don't over think it if it's casual.

If you wanted a proper relationship then I would say this is evidence that you're not a proper couple as he'd be leaning on you and you'd be helping him through this time if you were. But you know and seem happy with it being more causal

Sorry this happened,@ohangelofgod, it sounds like you felt this one had potential. Maybe you’ll run into each other again once he’s through the bad patch and you can see if there’s still something there? Of course, you may have moved on in the meantime…

It's understandable to be disappointed.
My husband died and even a few years down the line I know l haven't got it in me to deal with another relationship. I focused on keeping my family as stable as l could.

I think l would let him know your there for him as a friend, and respect his decision.
It's really hard to let go when you have feelings for someone, even if it was casual, you still have a lot of hope for the future together. People who have been in long-term relationships for years and years tend to forget the intensity of the emotions at the beginning of a new relationship.

Been there.
I think he is being fair, you want to be your best self in a new relationship, and in a situation like this you really won't have the headspace. You can't really fault the poor guy as you say.
Are you friends as well as dating? I'm not suggesting you wait around. However, if he's also your mate and you're close, wouldn't you support him at a difficult time as a friend instead of completely pulling away?
It was a bit different with me and DP. We hadn't even properly kissed when he went through something like this, but we were emotionally very close. He didn't say he wanted to take space but it was obvious from his actions and overall demeanour. So we still spoke every day and kept supporting each other, mostly as friends.
I could have dated others and didn't really intend to wait but nobody else interested me.
Anyway, once it all got sorted we slowly worked our way back to each other, have been together a while and it's fantastic.
I don't suggest you do that as the years in between were hell sometimes and the most difficult experience.
However, personally I can't separate being someone's romantic partner, friend, family member, whatever, from supporting them when they are going through stuff. I don't think you just come back to someone once you've completely cut them off, whichever party initiates the cut-off.

Op my marriage almost ended when my mam suddenly died and my dad almost did...its not really recovered now tbh!

I think you understand but it's also ok to feel sad..

Hope you're ok.

That makes no sense at all, not everyone who gets together stays together always there are lots of reasons people break up