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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lying porn addicted boyfriend. Please help!!

42 replies

RealEyesRealizeRealLies1 · 28/07/2023 06:51

Not sure where to begin. I need advice. What friends I did have moved away I lost their contact info and have no one to talk to.
I have been trying to figure this out in my head but it's not working.

So I just found out recently (last year or so) that my boyfriend of 5 years has lied to me about a lot of things.

One of those things is his porn habits. I was completely open and honest with him when we met and told him I didn't want to be with a man that was watching porn every day. I explained in detail my thoughts and opinions and told him I have never been happy with someone like that and he agreed with most of what I said and told me he didn't watch it that much because it didn't really do much for him either.

He watches it alllll the time! He waits for me to fall asleep and literally most nights is up all night long watching porn. Then also throughout the day whenever he has a chance to get away with it.

It's not just the porn it's also the kind of porn he likes that is disgusting and disturbing to me.

It's like everything he says he doesn't like...he does.

He has also lied about some things that happened between him and his ex girlfriend.. calling her beautiful when she sends him pics, calling her his wife when he's drunk and a bunch of other stuff like that.

My problem is that I told him I wouldn't be happy. I was honest and he wasn't and hasn't been our whole relationship. He lied about himself he is not the man I fell in love with. He is still lying and denying everything. Even if I catch him doing something he gets mad and very defensive and never wants to talk about anything that makes ripples in our relationship. Even something small like me asking why he said something to his ex or why he lied to me etc. I can't communicate with him about things that are making me feel insecure with our relationship because he doesn't want to hear it.

I have tried to tell him he is pushing me away but he doesn't seem to care. He just gets angry and kees lying and doing the same things.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm not usually insecure like this I wish people could just be honest for a change I'm tired of all these liars

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through to him? I would appreciate it, thanks :)

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 28/07/2023 06:57

So you cannot change him, but you can change what you do. You say what his does breaches your boundaries of what is acceptable and you are tired of his behaviour, so time to chuck him and move on with your life as a free woman. You will be much happier without him.

SunsetOverParadise · 28/07/2023 06:58

What you do is leave. I’m sorry.

Oomph · 28/07/2023 06:58

Why are you even still with this utter loser? You’re better off alone, and with a chance to form a relationship that is not based on lies.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 07:09

He is disgusting, a liar, and has absolutely no respect for you.

Tell him to fuck off and get in the bin.

pinkfondu · 28/07/2023 07:10

So now you know the truth what are you going to do?

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 07:12

It's very very simple....you need to leave him.

He's a waster.

cuckyplunt · 28/07/2023 07:14

Have you got kids with this waste of space OP?

FriendsDrinkBook · 28/07/2023 07:14

He is who he is. Leave him.

MissingMoominMamma · 28/07/2023 07:16

Why are you still with him?

He’s not a catch; he doesn’t respect you.

Get rid.

Deloresadores · 28/07/2023 07:19

Leave.

newnamethanks · 28/07/2023 07:20

Please help? No help for this. You know who he is and you find it disturbing. He won't change so you need to change your situation and dispose of him. Good luck, make it soon.

Bananalanacake · 28/07/2023 07:32

If you don't have DC together there is no point living together.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 28/07/2023 07:34

He will drive you demented and you will be so broken emotionally and mentally and will become physically ill if you stay with him, believe me I wish I had been given advice years ago and would have saved myself the trauma that I was put through. He will never change but you have to make the changes for yourself. He is a liar and addicted to porn and I would feel the same as you. Ask him to leave now and take time for yourself to heal and get strong in yourself and to build up your self confidence or else you will lose yourself. He will just get worse as the porn will not be enough. If you stay it will just escalate and the trust is gone and he sounds like a knob head am sorry to say. Why is his ex sending him photos of herself to him, he should have boundaries in place but it seems like he enjoys the attention. You deserve better so please put yourself first. Find your anger and tell him to just piss right off and wank himself to death with his porn addiction. Hope things get better but it is up to you and you have to love yourself and put yourself first as he does not deserve your love as you made your boundaries clear.

Selfesteem23 · 28/07/2023 07:40

Echoing the replies above. What you do is leave/end the relationship.

He isn’t the man you fell for or thought you knew, he lies a lot, he still regularly speaks to his ex not in a friends way but more so. How can there be trust. He doesn’t bring anything good by the sounds of it just stress and you worrying about what he is doing. Nah time to end this one.

Xrays · 28/07/2023 07:43

You’re completely wasting your time with this man. He won’t change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2023 07:45

End the relationship with him now and value your own self a lot more. Do not settle for liars like this man is.

You are not a rehab centre for such a badly raised man so stop trying to get through to him. He knows how you feel and he does not care.

Epidote · 28/07/2023 07:59

He is living to you. denying and minimising with he gets caught. He shows very little of respect for your feelings.

I would get over him and leave the relationship if I'm honest with you.

Dombasle · 28/07/2023 07:59

You've only got one life. Why waste another minute on a porn addicted liar who is unlikely to change.

Porn addiction often leads to progressively worse types of videos as emotions can be numbed over time and depravity is sought to stimulate sexual arousal. You don't want go around a man who's mind has reached relative levels of only being stimulated by sickening images.

You'll feel heartache and loss for awhile but it will be for what you thought you had and what you wanted him to be, not dow the pathetic loser that he actually is.

MrsElsa · 28/07/2023 08:02

Why are you trying to communicate with him still? He's telling you loud and clear he doesn't want to know. Bin him off.

LizzieSiddal · 28/07/2023 08:06

Do you want to spend your life with a proven liar? Why would you because every time he tells you something, you will be winering if he’s lying again.

You don’t need to “get through to him” you need t leave him.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 28/07/2023 08:08

Life is too short for this shit. He won't change, he isn't who you thought he was. Walk away.

YesSmithers · 28/07/2023 08:12

Waste of time.
I was in the same situation (more or less), a long time ago. I left him and my life was immeasurably better for it.
Every time he lied to me it chipped away another bit until there was nothing left.

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2023 08:13

What do you expect people to say?

Why haven't you worked out for yourself that you need to end it?

Fraaahnces · 28/07/2023 08:15

Your problem is that you are still with this waste of skin.

Doggymummar · 28/07/2023 08:18

They don't change, cut your losses and move on.