How to cope with workalcholic husband

[Mumtothreeandadog]

DH is either working, talking about work when he is not working or Whatsapping female colleagues. When we were on holiday he WhatsApp his female colleagues saying his was thinking about them! He sent them photos from our holiday and frankly i felt very much an afterthought. It has caused arguments but DH refusing to acknowledge any problems. I have started to carve out a life of my own but while I'm out I've discovered that he has been logging on and working and/or WhatsApp these colleagues. I read a couple of messages on his phone and one said we have been chatting for over an hour....

I am running the house and the kids and feel so incredibly lonely. Is carving out my own life the best way forward?

No advice sorry but I'm in the same boat (minus the whatsapping female colleagues). Mine always has a deadline prior to every holiday and it consumes him (and us). I personally don't think it's acceptable.
.

He's moved on and your the housekeeper and childminder.

I wouldn't carve out a new life, I'd rip him a new one and chuck him out.

*You're

He's not a workaholic. He's just focusing his emotional energy on his (female) colleagues. I don't have advice as I assume he'll tell you he's working - but no, sending photos of your holiday to colleagues is NOT working. Especially while you're supposed to be on holiday. I might show a colleagues some photos when back, but I'm not texting them while I'm away....

Feeling your pain OP, DH is a total workaholic, goes above and beyond for his team at work, picks up extra shifts at short notice that all his other colleagues refuse to do etc. We’re both on leave this week and he picked up an overnight on Tuesday night as “no one else could do it”. I was raging.

I think you are right to carve out a life for yourself, I’m trying to do the same as it gets lonely with him working all the time. He just thinks that extra money coming in is great but we’re comfortable with what we’ve got so we don’t really need to scramble for extra.

I think the whole sending photos and messages while we are holiday is unacceptable too but he can't see it. He doesn't even try and hide it. He bought these female colleagues a present when we were away. He messages them in the evening too, it seems longer messages when I'm out!

These females are both in their 30s and in relationships, DH is in his 50s.

That is exactly how I feel, childminder and housekeeper.

Yep, I was a bit blunt there. I have builders in and not enough words available today.

I'd seriously stop arguing about it tho, if he doesn't want to see there's an issue, there's not a lot you can do.

It must be miserable to be both married and lonely. Not good for your mental health, so I would be looking to knock this on the head as this will either escalate and you'll be facing a full-blown affair or you'll get so depressed you can't function or will have lost all respect and resentment will take over.

Think small boy with new toys, rather than he's 50+.

Is carving out my own life the best way forward?
It's always a good way forward. And keep your eyes open. He may be hiding infidelity in plain sight: creating a game of OW Where's Wally.
But also remember that he doesn't have to have an affair for you to decide that if he is essentially not with you, he may as well really not be with you.

Yeah i came to the same conclusion about not arguing about it anymore. It is a waste of my energy. How do I knock it on the head? Resentment is starting to creep in....and depression not far behind. What do you mean by small boy with new toys?

I am sure no infidelity, he is bald, overweight and can have ED ! But all that said, I am keeping my eyes open

He sounds like he has new toys to play with. Men never really grow up and like novelty, especially if they're in denial about their age, looks and abilities.

What do you want?

Sit and imagine your future, how would it look?

Go to marriage counselling. This could be solved if he respected your opinion. He doesn’t respect you.

How old are dc? What do you have for you in life re work/hobbies/friends?

Yes I would say it's time to make a life without him, a life of your own.
He's pretty pathetic to be messaging women in their 30's at his age. A man his age should be planning for retirement not whatsapping women like a teenager.

Well he’s checked out of any relationship with you. Even if he can’t physically have an affair he’s certainly doing the next thing he can do, which is getting all his kicks from engaging with younger colleagues, not you.

if he’s mid 50s hasn’t he always been a workaholic? Or is this quite a new marriage?

Either way, I’d be thinking about options to split, if I were you.

DC are 19 and 21

So if no particular additional support or health needs, you've hopefully in last 7 years when they've been at secondary school been able to go and do things for you. Are you working? Got hobbies?

He sounds like an office sleaze.

Is he senior to them?

If so he is the sad inappropriate office sleaze.

You can bet they are talking about him behind his back.

In my late 50's and I remember the type well.

Stop arguing about it.

Stop doing anything that makes his life easier.

Focus completely going forward on yourself and making your life better.

If returning to work isn't an option or unnecessary financially, definitely look into evening classes etc to expand your social life.

Make yourself your biggest project and priority.

I am in Italy with my husband and two of my 4 children at the moment and I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour.

We both like to wander off on our own, both having an endless fascination for Italian churches and the stunning architecture although you need to time your wandering well in the heat.

Don't stay lonely is my message.
He's selfish, vain, and won't change.

You need to invest in yourself.

Post away when you feel lonely.

Is your DH senior to these women? If so - these poor 30 something women feeling obliged to respond to these messages.

You must be mortified for him.

I'd leave him to be honest, he sounds like a right saddo

In his 50’s constantly chatting to 30 year old female colleagues? We have one of those in my company. He’s a laughing stock in the ladies toilets and we all think he is a sleazy, old pervert but the women he chats to keep up the pretence because he is much more senior to them and they see him as away to advance their careers.

Are you working? Hobbies? If not then yes that's what I'd be doing

Do you enjoy the money and lifestyle his wage brings in? If so, it’s your choice isn’t it? He isn’t going to change, If you’re not prepared to pay the price for that, leave him.

He sounds like an embarrassing sleaze

You can either try to save the relationship or let it go. Couples counselling would be worth trying. Ask him if he wants to stay in the relationship? Make him really think about it.

or you just get on with it. Enjoy your life, find a hobby, spend time with friends. Don’t spend so much time at home, your kids can mostly fend for themselves. Do you work? You could start working and stashing away some money so you can leave when you are ready. If you kids still live at home give them another year then you can sell the house and get your own. Your life will be your own.

I wouldn't put up with DH messaging female colleagues such as yours is. My DH is a workaholic but I just work my life around it because it pays for everything and he is otherwise a very good husband 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think the messaging female colleagues for non-work things constantly is a different issue to the workaholic issue.

I've managed to read some of the WhatsApp messages to these women, he has a password on his phone which I don't know so I can only read them when he let's me. OMG that sounds awful

Nothing untoward about the messages just a bit weird. He is their senior and 20 years older. He has taken photos of meals and icecreams that we had on holiday and sent them to these woman!!

90% of the chat is about another colleagues performance and health, which as a manager I think it is unprofessional of him to discuss.

This is why I let it roll because it is untoward, unprofessional yes but nothing romantic. It does annoy me especially when we are holiday and he is spending some of his time messaging them, but I try and reframe it and think at least I'm on holiday and make the best of it.

I do feel incredibly lonely and working on building a life for myself. Can't leave him as have DC still at home.

I suggested he might be a workaholic as he talks about work constantly when not at work. I switch off now and occasionally he does talk about non work stuff which I also miss and ask him later, he then says weren't you listening? Oops, nope!!!!