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Original poster

Help with husband taking the piss

33 replies

HelpWithHubby · 27/07/2023 06:32

Name change for this one
me and my husband have been together for 12 years married 8. We have 2 young children 6yrs and 4yrs.
we’ve had our normal ups and downs but no major issues. We are happy.
We don’t argue, he is an amazing dad, pulls his weight with the kids and parental side of stuff.

BUT there’s one thing that really is getting to me. It’s been the same story ever since I’ve known him so I feel like it’s my fault for not nipping it in the bud at the beginning.

when he goes out to the pub with his friends (which happens maybe once a month) he stays out til the early hours of the morning.
last night for example he got home at 4am!!!
he doesn’t answer his phone when I call him and when he gets in and I tell him I’m not happy he says so I’ve been out so what. He thinks this behaviour is fine and normal but I don’t and I hate it!!

he stays in the pub for a lock in or ends up back at one of the boys houses for more beers and PlayStation. He is 35 years old for goodness sake!

its like when he has a drink he has serious FOMO. Even if we are out together he never wants to leave always wants to be the last one out etc. I just don’t get it!

When he has had a drink he has a total disregard for my feeling and my boundaries.

I don’t know what to do or how to approach this.
it’s the only problem in our marriage. I don’t us to separate over it as the rest of the marriage and relationship is great!

I’ve told him how I feel and he says okay I’ll make sure next time I’m back at a reasonable time but it doesn’t happen!
I can’t put a curfew on him, can I!? I’m not his bloody mother. I also feel he deserves his time with his friends so I can’t tell him I don’t want him going out.

any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2023 06:39

He knows how you feel and ultimately he does not care about how you feel about this issue. He’ll likely be doing the same at 40 and 45 years of age.

And why are these men described as amazing dads?. He is neither this nor an amazing husband either. If someone else or one of your friends talked to you about this issue, what would your counsel be?.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 27/07/2023 06:41

There's 2 things...
The first one, he goes out once a month and stays out til early hours. To me that's fine. You know he's going to do it. Presumably you could too if you wanted. Ask him to stay on a mates sofa if he disturbs you when he comes in. But I think once a month isn't really a big deal.

The second thing though, which would bother me, and I can relate to, is about having a drink and not wanting to stop and totally disregarding your feelings. This one would be an issue to me. Can you set boundaries before you go out? Non-negotiable, we're leaving at 11pm for example.
As for how much of an impact it has on you and whether it's a big deal for your relationship or not, that's down to you. I've always maintained that as long as the positive traits outweigh the negative, and the negative aren't abusive or harmful then its ok. But sometimes in my marriage, the negative seem to be affecting me more and as time goes on the positives don't seem as shiny and positive and the scale tips a bit. But it's a very personal thing as to what your tipping point it. I think a proper conversation with him is the starting point. Not idle threats but let him know that it is a big deal to you.

ferntwist · 27/07/2023 06:41

Once a month seems okay to me for him to have a night out where he doesn’t have to be back by a particular time, as long as there’s no family event he needs to be at the next day. Make sure you get one top OP, or a day out or to yourself every month as well!

ferntwist · 27/07/2023 06:42

Sorry that should say make sure you get one too!

decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 06:45

Once a month for a night out seems reasonable. I'd leave him to it. Just make sure he returns the favour. He enjoys staying out late with his friends, just because you don't doesn't mean he's wrong.

When the two of you are out maybe have a chat to how you expect the night to go. If I your out with friends and you are ready to leave before hi I'd just go and see him ack at home.

NioNioNio · 27/07/2023 06:47

It doesn't sound like he is taking the oiss by going out on a rather long night out once a month. It's planned and known in advance.

I would echo PP that he might be drinking too much but if it is only once a month where he has a heavy session then it might be ok...

Fourlegsandatail · 27/07/2023 06:47

If this was a weekly occurrence I would understand the frustration but once a month isn’t a huge deal is it? Wanting to put a stop to it sounds a bit controlling. Presumably you are able to have one night a month to do as you wish too.

ThePM · 27/07/2023 06:48

I think there’s nothing like Seeing Yourself as Others See You.

Could you drop into conversation that he overhears that you find it childish/disappointing/ weak/out of character.

Some people have such a strong aversion to “being told what to do” that they would jump off a cliff if someone said not to. Giving them something to rail against by being in any way disapproving is what they want (I.e. they’re childish). So you have to not even notice.

Others want the attention of being sick I.e. hungover so you need to not notice and just go out for the day and leave them to it.

FOMO is one thing, I don’t mind being the last one to leave- but I have always been able to know my (very low) alcohol limits, and to switch to water accordingly, and I don’t expect people to pick up the pieces the next day.

lastly, when you think about his two contradictory statements “I’ve been out so what” and “okay I’ll make sure next time I’m back at a reasonable time” which do you think represents what he really thinks and which is flannel to get you to whisht?

Original poster
HelpWithHubby · 27/07/2023 06:54

Wow all great words and advice!
really appreciate it thanks so much all x

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpWithHubby · 27/07/2023 06:55

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 27/07/2023 06:41

There's 2 things...
The first one, he goes out once a month and stays out til early hours. To me that's fine. You know he's going to do it. Presumably you could too if you wanted. Ask him to stay on a mates sofa if he disturbs you when he comes in. But I think once a month isn't really a big deal.

The second thing though, which would bother me, and I can relate to, is about having a drink and not wanting to stop and totally disregarding your feelings. This one would be an issue to me. Can you set boundaries before you go out? Non-negotiable, we're leaving at 11pm for example.
As for how much of an impact it has on you and whether it's a big deal for your relationship or not, that's down to you. I've always maintained that as long as the positive traits outweigh the negative, and the negative aren't abusive or harmful then its ok. But sometimes in my marriage, the negative seem to be affecting me more and as time goes on the positives don't seem as shiny and positive and the scale tips a bit. But it's a very personal thing as to what your tipping point it. I think a proper conversation with him is the starting point. Not idle threats but let him know that it is a big deal to you.

Wow I love this! These word will stick with me thanks so much. This is why I love MN

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 27/07/2023 06:56

How often do you get the opportunity to go out (even if you choose to be back at a reasonable hour) once a month?

Does he stop functioning the next day from hangover/being in bed? Because once a month with young kids that would be unreasonable to me.

Can you explain this bit further:

When he has had a drink he has a total disregard for my feeling and my boundaries.

Is this about him staying out late and playing PS (both perfectly valid things for an adult to choose to do), or more? The disregard for boundaries line could be taken in a far more unsettling way…

crapactually · 27/07/2023 06:57

I'm not seeing the issue. He goes out once a month and the rest of the time you say he's pulling his weight.

How does him getting really pissed impact you? If you don't like him coming home drunk then ask him to stay with a mate he's out with.

What's the reason for calling him when he's out? Is this check ins or actual emergencies?

You say he disregards your feelings and boundaries. Is he behaving in a way you don't like (beyond the actual staying out thing). Is he aggressive when he's drunk?
I can't see the issue based on what you've said and unless there's a big drip feed coming you sound judgmental and uptight.

I'm older than you both and still love a good night out with my mates. Sometimes I'll stay out longer than planned, get more drunk, crash somewhere.

You state he's 35 in a way that sounds like it's incredulous that he'd still want to go out and have fun.

lking12 · 27/07/2023 06:59

I think alcohol makes anyone’s resolutions go out the window, he might want to come back by 11pm but then has a few drinks and it’s the last thing on his mind.

If he’s having a good time and it’s once a month then I think that’s ok. What bothers you about it so much?
If you don’t like waiting for him or him waking you up at 4am I would tell him to stay over with someone and come back at breakfast time.

CurlewKate · 27/07/2023 07:00

@HelpWithHubby "When he has had a drink he has a total disregard for my feeling and my boundaries."

Can you say a bit more about this?

SkankingWombat · 27/07/2023 07:02

When he has had a drink he has a total disregard for my feeling and my boundaries

This part needs further explanation.

Going out once a month, even if it's an all-nighter is fine if he pulls his weight and is involved in family life the rest of the time. In fact, I'd much rather that than my gym & cycling obsessed DH - that takes him out of the house for many more hours overall!

rwalker · 27/07/2023 07:11

As you rightly said your not his mother why wouldn’t you just go to bed
TBH it’s got all the traits of being controlling

Original poster
HelpWithHubby · 27/07/2023 07:18

Gerrataere · 27/07/2023 06:56

How often do you get the opportunity to go out (even if you choose to be back at a reasonable hour) once a month?

Does he stop functioning the next day from hangover/being in bed? Because once a month with young kids that would be unreasonable to me.

Can you explain this bit further:

When he has had a drink he has a total disregard for my feeling and my boundaries.

Is this about him staying out late and playing PS (both perfectly valid things for an adult to choose to do), or more? The disregard for boundaries line could be taken in a far more unsettling way…

No this is only about him staying out late despite me telling him I don’t like it.
but hearing all the advice on here maybe I just need to chill out and let him enjoy himself when he goes out

OP posts:
xyz111 · 27/07/2023 07:18

I don't see the issue, unless you're not giving the full story? He's only doing it once a month, just go to bed. Why don't you like it?

rwalker · 27/07/2023 07:20

HelpWithHubby · 27/07/2023 07:18

No this is only about him staying out late despite me telling him I don’t like it.
but hearing all the advice on here maybe I just need to chill out and let him enjoy himself when he goes out

Show quote history

Honestly I’d say that’s the way forward

Original poster
HelpWithHubby · 27/07/2023 07:21

crapactually · 27/07/2023 06:57

I'm not seeing the issue. He goes out once a month and the rest of the time you say he's pulling his weight.

How does him getting really pissed impact you? If you don't like him coming home drunk then ask him to stay with a mate he's out with.

What's the reason for calling him when he's out? Is this check ins or actual emergencies?

You say he disregards your feelings and boundaries. Is he behaving in a way you don't like (beyond the actual staying out thing). Is he aggressive when he's drunk?
I can't see the issue based on what you've said and unless there's a big drip feed coming you sound judgmental and uptight.

I'm older than you both and still love a good night out with my mates. Sometimes I'll stay out longer than planned, get more drunk, crash somewhere.

You state he's 35 in a way that sounds like it's incredulous that he'd still want to go out and have fun.

No I just call him to check in and find out if he is on his way home yet as it’s late. But as I’m typing this I can see that it’s actually really uncalled for isn’t it??
no he isn’t aggressive when he is drunk at all and he doesn’t behave in a way I don’t like. It purely is the fact that I don’t see any need in staying out later than the pub is open. But I think you’re right in being uptight and need to chill out…. Thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
CapEBarra · 27/07/2023 07:22

If it was once a week I’d likely feel the same as you, but if it’s once a month in an otherwise great relationship I wouldn’t be too bothered as long as I was allowed equal access to leisure time.

thishasnotmyweek · 27/07/2023 07:26

I think YABVU here.

Why are you calling him what he's out - I wouldn't answer the phone either if I knew it as going to be you asking when I'm going to be home when I'm out on my once a month night with my friends.

You don't seem to have any real problem with it apart from the fact that you don't like staying out late so don't see why he should. This is bonkers - I'm sure you like some things that he doesn't like.

I like laying in the bath for an hour and my partner hates it - but he's not banging on the door after 10 minutes asking me when I'm still in the bath because he'd be out by now.

And 35 is still so young!! You think past 30 everyone should just stay home all the time and be in bed by 9? There's no age limit on fun (even if you don't see drinking and staying out late as fun, he clearly does).

Gerrataere · 27/07/2023 07:28

HelpWithHubby · 27/07/2023 07:18

No this is only about him staying out late despite me telling him I don’t like it.
but hearing all the advice on here maybe I just need to chill out and let him enjoy himself when he goes out

Show quote history

If it’s just the staying out, I’d have a honest conversation with yourself about why you don’t like it. Like I said, having implications on family life once a month is a bit shit really but if he’s not really doing that and everything else is good, staying out late isn’t a huge deal really. If he spent one night a month staying up on the PS and drinking a few at home, would you be cross?

CurlewKate · 27/07/2023 07:31

@HelpWithHubby You might be right that you need to relax a bit, OP, but before you do, "totaldisregard for my feelings and boundaries" is a potential red flag to me. Maybe you need to focus on that before deciding that you're being unreasonable?

Dery · 27/07/2023 07:34

Given what you’ve posted I think you do need to chill out, @HelpWithHubby You’re coming across as a bit controlling. Just make sure you get one or two evenings to yourself a month also!