Help with husband taking the piss

[HelpWithHubby]

Name change for this one
me and my husband have been together for 12 years married 8. We have 2 young children 6yrs and 4yrs.
we’ve had our normal ups and downs but no major issues. We are happy.
We don’t argue, he is an amazing dad, pulls his weight with the kids and parental side of stuff.

BUT there’s one thing that really is getting to me. It’s been the same story ever since I’ve known him so I feel like it’s my fault for not nipping it in the bud at the beginning.

when he goes out to the pub with his friends (which happens maybe once a month) he stays out til the early hours of the morning.
last night for example he got home at 4am!!!
he doesn’t answer his phone when I call him and when he gets in and I tell him I’m not happy he says so I’ve been out so what. He thinks this behaviour is fine and normal but I don’t and I hate it!!

he stays in the pub for a lock in or ends up back at one of the boys houses for more beers and PlayStation. He is 35 years old for goodness sake!

its like when he has a drink he has serious FOMO. Even if we are out together he never wants to leave always wants to be the last one out etc. I just don’t get it!

When he has had a drink he has a total disregard for my feeling and my boundaries.

I don’t know what to do or how to approach this.
it’s the only problem in our marriage. I don’t us to separate over it as the rest of the marriage and relationship is great!

I’ve told him how I feel and he says okay I’ll make sure next time I’m back at a reasonable time but it doesn’t happen!
I can’t put a curfew on him, can I!? I’m not his bloody mother. I also feel he deserves his time with his friends so I can’t tell him I don’t want him going out.

any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you x

I'd be pissed off if it were one rule for him and another rule for you, so for example if you don't get any time yourself to have a girls night out (or whatever) or just a trip away overnight to see a good friend too.

I suppose the thing that's unfair on you is that he'll go off to get pissed without saying when he'll be back, or saying he'll be back by 12 but then doesn't show up, so you're basically left with the children wondering has anything happened to him. I understand that would be annoying.

He should treat you with some respect and tell you he'll be out all night in advance or send a text when it's gotten to 2AM and he's gone to his mates.

On another note: I can't believe on a site like this that's been around for so long still had the username "helpwithhubby" available! 🤣

Unless he is staggering through the door, breaking things, being an abusive argumentative arse before collapsing on the sofa and wetting himself each time he goes out I think you are possibly over thinking this. Yes 4am is late, but playing PlayStation round a mates house or having a lock in is on the grand scheme of things is fairly benign. As you say he is otherwise a proactive partner who pulls his weight.

If it doesn't affect family life the day after then leave him to it , surely if it's late you have gone to bed anyway so it doesn't make any difference to you . It's once a month him catching up with his mates and having a laugh not a few times a week .

It's once a month, assuming you can do the same or equivalent of you wanted to then I dont see the problem.

Why not do the same OP, and treat yourself to a night out/away once a month?

Could you drop into conversation that he overhears that you find it childish/disappointing/ weak/out of character.

Please don't do this, it's really passive aggressive.

When you say he disregards your feelings and boundaries when he's had a drink, do you mean he stays out late when you have told him you don't like it? I think you are being quite controlling if this is the case. He has a big night out once a month, it's not excessive, and he seems to be a good partner the rest of the time.

I think you are well within your rights to negotiate a reasonable leaving time when you go out together.

I’m not sure exactly what the problem is.
Do you need him to be doing something else instead? Does he come crashing in, wake everyone up and vomit/pee everywhere? Is he incapable next day so you miss out on something?
If no to the above and it does inconvenience you but you just “don’t like it” then why is it a problem?

I think you are misusing the word 'boundaries' when actually you mean your 'rules'. I often go out with friends and will sometimes stay out if a bit too pissed to get home. If my DH tried to stop me I would think him unacceptably controlling and ltb. I am 70 and feel I am still enitled to a good social life.