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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found husband having an affair

39 replies

Daisyde · 27/07/2023 01:03

Hi,

Found out tonight after some detective work that I’m not going crazy, my DH has been having an affair for months with a woman from work (our 1st wedding anniversary is next weekend). He’s gone back to his mums and I’ve stayed home. We have a small amount of debt on credit cards that are in his name and a joint account that just the bills come out of. My heads an absolute mess I’m not sure how I move forward from here, I feel like i’m watching someone else's life blow up. He’s all i’ve ever known and thought we had such a happy marriage just had a feeling something was off but he blamed stress at work. Think I just need a hand hold and some advice on how you got through it would be massively appreciated 😭😭 Thank you.

OP posts:
Bee2k · 27/07/2023 01:17

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Especially with your first anniversary coming up. You should still be in the honeymoon period so the fact this has happened so early on his disgusting on his part. I’m going through a similar thing and have just posted a similar thread myself! I divorced my first husband because he was cheating and I then found love again with my now fiancé, who I have just found out to be having a three year emotional affair (no sexual contact, apparently) as well as spending a fortune on Only Fans. Deception and lies hurt so much. Relationships are like a vase - you drop it and it’s never the same again regardless of how much tape and glue you use. Your emotions are raw at the moment so if you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything. I’m glad you’ve sent him to his Mum’s, my fiancé is also at his Mum’s! You need time to think of what to do but if it has been a full blown affair, I personally couldn’t move on from that. Everyone is different though so you need to do what your gut is telling you. You won’t know the answer today or tomorrow, or even next week. It will take time. I wish you all the best navigating through this awful time x

SorrySadDog · 27/07/2023 01:29

Well they always blame something. Mine blamed the stress of me falling pregnant.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

Londonismyjam · 27/07/2023 01:49

So sorry that this has happened to you, it happened to me too. I agree with PP that once the trust is damaged then the relationship is never the same. If he’s all you have ever known then you sound young and you’ll be able to make a fresh start. You will get over this - but you will have to wade through the s**t first. Put your wellies and your big girl pants on. Tell those closest to you what he did and use their support. The best thing that someone said to me was, ‘never forget that you are worth so much more…’.

Jellifulfruit · 27/07/2023 01:54

🥺❤️

caringcarer · 27/07/2023 01:59

You won't think so now but better you found out now before you got pregnant. Married less than a year and he has started an affair. That is truly heartbreaking for you. At least with no DC a divorce will be easier. I'd tell family and friends what he's been doing and gain their support.

Original poster
Daisyde · 27/07/2023 02:04

Thank you for your reply. I 100% agree with everything you’ve said. Onlyfans was an issue at the start of our 6 year relationship but it was only one girl and he deleted it straight away and changed completely, until a few months ago 😭 I will definitely not be taking him back, he doesn’t seem to even want me back he’s just self loathing at the moment saying he’s such terrible person. Just can’t imagine trying to navigate a life without him in it, I feel like I’m grieving!

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 27/07/2023 02:08

At least you have been married a year & have no children, the divorce should be straightforward as long as he admits everything. I got mine over & done with in 5 months to decree nisi stage. You need to take the first step & file for divorce.

Original poster
Daisyde · 27/07/2023 02:08

@caringcarer yeah I’m so relieved now we didn’t try for a baby - he’d always say he wasn’t ready anyway. Just found out his work ‘training’ days away have actually been with her away, and he was planning another one around my birthday. Absolute scum!!! I never expected this.

OP posts:
QueenofLouisiana · 27/07/2023 02:12

You are grieving, I’ve replied to @Bee2k as I’ve been in a similar position to them.

When I walked out I howled, awful screaming howls as I dealt with my emotions. It wasn’t nice and I hate the fact that others saw me in that state. But it was necessary.

Bd very kind to yourself x

Time4achange2 · 27/07/2023 02:15

I'm so very sorry. It hurts like hell. X

Original poster
Daisyde · 27/07/2023 02:19

How did you all get through the first days/weeks? Did you speak with your husbands? I’m going to phone work tomorrow and take a few days leave as I’m a nurse and need to really concentrate at but I can’t even think straight 😭

OP posts:
QueenofLouisiana · 27/07/2023 02:26

I took a day off, then had the weekend. I was put on “light duties” for the next two days- I teach and we all needed to be sure I wouldn’t lose my shit in the classroom.

I agreed that I would read messages, but would not necessarily reply. I would always respond to messages about our DS (stayed at home with his dad by choice as it was easier for school- he was 18, not a young child).

ymemanresu · 27/07/2023 02:36

Sorry no advice but really feel for you xx

Fraaahnces · 27/07/2023 02:45

You need to be VERY practical. Withdraw 50% of the joint savings and put it into your own account. Luckily you’re not responsible for his CC debt.

MsDogLady · 27/07/2023 03:16

Oh, @Daisyde, this is terrible. What did the sneaky adulterer have to say for himself when confronted?

Don’t allow your H to blame you in any way for his decision to lie, cheat and manipulate. This is all on him and his massive selfishness and weak boundaries. He could have decently ended your relationship in an honest manner instead of spinning lies and humiliating you with a double life with his girlfriend.

Do you have a trusted support system, @Daisyde? Please shine a light on H’s disgusting behavior so loved ones can help you. Consider seeking individual counseling for support as you navigate the grieving process.

I would plan to consult a solicitor regarding a divorce when you feel up to it. This betrayal is devastating, but you’ll regain your strength and will thrive without this pathetic loser in your life. Flowers

Newshoess · 27/07/2023 03:31

caringcarer · 27/07/2023 01:59

You won't think so now but better you found out now before you got pregnant. Married less than a year and he has started an affair. That is truly heartbreaking for you. At least with no DC a divorce will be easier. I'd tell family and friends what he's been doing and gain their support.

This it's kids that tie you forever more not marriage

Original poster
Daisyde · 27/07/2023 06:52

@MsDogLady he denied it at first (like I thought he would) until he realised there was no way out so turned on the water works.

Yeah my parents are so supportive and paid for the wedding/house renovations, which is even more insulting as he clearly just saw them as a cash machine 😠

Hoping once I can string a sentence together and brave going out in public I can start to look into solicitors and get the ball rolling.

OP posts:
nalabae · 27/07/2023 07:10

You did the right thing leaving that's the first step

letthatmango · 27/07/2023 07:19

Sweetheart, deep breath. Firstly cut contact with him over anything that isn’t arranging the divorce. He has absolutely nothing to say to you. Do not give him the time of day.

You have every right to wallow for a couple of days. Feel the feels. take it minute by minute, it will I promise move to hour by hour. Then day by day. Get yourself into individual counselling if you can, it will help to process the pain. Journal as much as you need, listen to music, exercise.

Then it’s time to get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ and find your inner warrior. Seek legal advice. You may need to have STD tests.

Do not even consider taking this moron back. This is his second incident of whole scale lying and cheating, he’s flawed at his very core and I have no doubt he’ll cheat again. You have had a very lucky escape. I know you don’t feel like that but you truly have and in time you’ll see that.

You deserve better than this nasty cheat, onwards and upwards!

ittakes2 · 27/07/2023 07:23

While this sucks...better to happen now then when you have been married years together/had kids or whatever. It doesn't feel like it now but you will look back and thank him for telling you early on what a total prick he is so you can move forward and find someone that treasures you. Might help to start thinking about what you want from a relationship and comparing this to the faults in your marriage to show yourself logically that its the right decision to seperate.

sunlovingcriminal · 27/07/2023 07:30

One day at a time. Cry when you need to. Try and remember to eat (even if it feels like you're sourcing yourself). Like a previous poster, I remember standing in the shower howling and crying. I needed to just let it out.

If it helps go and stay with your folks for a few days. Or get a friend to stay a few nights.

It will get easier. You will find a new flow, new routines, without this looser who is devoid of a moral compass.

Xx

YukoandHiro · 27/07/2023 07:36

Fraaahnces · 27/07/2023 02:45

You need to be VERY practical. Withdraw 50% of the joint savings and put it into your own account. Luckily you’re not responsible for his CC debt.

Yes to this.

I'm so sorry OP, but in time you will see this as an early, lucky escape. In time you will heal and have your whole life ahead of you.

Dotcheck · 27/07/2023 07:42

I agree to being practical.
Is the house yours, or both?
At some point, take a few days off, and book to see a solicitor and a mortgage advisor ( if needed).

And you are grieving - grieving the life you hoped to have. That’s perfectly natural, and be a bit kind to yourself.

anotherone99 · 27/07/2023 07:53

It's unbelievable painful and destabilising isn't it? Been going through similar and it is really hard. I still don't understand why a person would do that to anyone - let alone the person the said they loved. It isn't you - it is them.
Take some comfort that others have survived through all the same but personal to them rubbish of the next few days, weeks and months and have learnt to live with it and move on from feeling like a victim. You are doing the right things and as others have wisely said, use the support of your real friends. Right now, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space and time to grieve. I tried to fight/ignore my true feelings and tackle it all myself. It didn't do me any good!
You are a fabulous person and you will find someone more deserving of you. You can be certain of that. Big hugs

billyt · 27/07/2023 11:58

I'd make sure he couldn't create an overdraft on your joint account.

Could you draw it all out, close the account and give him half? (Or don't give him anything Grin )

That way a line is drawn under it and he can't use your account to clear HIS debt.

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