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Original poster

Is it time to split?

36 replies

DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 22:23

Regular poster NC for this.
So DH and I are currently on day 4 of not speaking, we had an argument due to his moodiness and tantrums basically, it sounds ridiculous but bear with me.
He had tools in the kitchen I've been asking him to move for the last week or so, at the weekend I was wanting to get my kitchen cleaned as weekends are my only time to give the house a proper clean due to working. Aswell as the tools he has other random shit dotted about that frankly is getting on my nerves so I told him on Sunday I wanted to sort the kitchen and basically please move your shit.
Cue a massive tantrum from him, he opened the back door and slung the tools into the garden saying fine I'll just throw everything etc, then saying I'm a nag and he's sick of my moods?
For context I wasn't moody with him nor do I nag, him on the other hand goes off on one and acts like a complete child. The above is just one example from a long list.
It's like having another child and to be honest I'm sick of it! We'd only just made up on Sunday from his random tantrum on Saturday night that's a whole other thread.
Now I'm thinking do I want to be with him? His moods and tantrums have been issues in the past but nothing ever changes.
We have an 8 year old together who we both adore but part of me wishes it was just me and her and wishes he'd fuck off!
He doesn't do as much round the house as I do, for example he'll wash up or stick a wash on but that's pretty much his limit.
Is it time to split?

OP posts:
Toddler101 · 26/07/2023 22:29

part of me wishes it was just me and her and wishes he'd fuck off!

I think you answered for yourself already.

Original poster
DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 22:33

@Toddler101 I think you're probably right but the thought of us actually splitting up is scary, we've been together for 12 years and married for 7. It's mainly when we have these arguments about his moods then days of not speaking I wish he'd go because what's the point?
If he'd apologised after the tantrum I'd have let it go yet again but he never does

OP posts:
Peppermint81 · 26/07/2023 22:34

Sounds quite petty reasons to break up your family.
Talk when you both calm, say how much his tools etc and whatever else bother you. Sort out the minor issues.
Do you spend a lot of time together or apart?

Milyt · 26/07/2023 22:35

Your Daughter will be picking up on these silences. It is the one thing I remember the most about my parents awful marriage and this was over 40 years ago.

PrinceHaz · 26/07/2023 22:37

Peppermint81 · 26/07/2023 22:34

Sounds quite petty reasons to break up your family.
Talk when you both calm, say how much his tools etc and whatever else bother you. Sort out the minor issues.
Do you spend a lot of time together or apart?

I don’t agree. He’s not going to become calm and reasonable. He sounds like a dreadful, petulant manchild. If you’d be happier without him, I’d start planning an exit strategy.

EVHead · 26/07/2023 22:39

Not petty at all. He has zero respect for you. He’s also a misogynist, using words like “nag”.

Set your DD a good example and separate from him.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 26/07/2023 22:39

The not moving the tools isn't a big enough reason to split.

However the constant tantrums and days on end of not speaking isn't healthy and needs sorting asap if you want to try and save your marriage.

Original poster
DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 22:40

@Peppermint81 I've tried this in the past, he gets all defensive as if it's a personal attack on him and starts pointing out my flaws. I'm not perfect, never make out I am but I can have a conversation instead of a tantrum

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 22:41

Milyt · 26/07/2023 22:35

Your Daughter will be picking up on these silences. It is the one thing I remember the most about my parents awful marriage and this was over 40 years ago.

That's my worry I don't want her growing up thinking this is normal

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 26/07/2023 22:46

My mind was made up halfway through your first sentence at "Day 4 of not speaking". Seriously how fucked up is your relationship if this is 1)acceptable and 2)normal?! Your poor daughter, this is modelling awful behaviour, it's going to badly impact her as an adult if you don't change because she will think this is how relationships are.

IWantOutDoI · 26/07/2023 22:47

i still need to find a divorced woman who has found herself with
more work and dread than when she was married.

if he is a good dad he will keep in touch with his child. It should be terrible for your child growing up around a nasty man who is only teaching her that such kind of behaviour is what is normal to expect from a man.

If he is not doing his share (note I didn’t say “helping”, not giving you a good time and is a bad example to your child… well, I have come out to find (repeatedly) that there is a nice life out there, and yess, the grass is greener even if you stay on your own.

Original poster
DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 22:53

@HundredMilesAnHour to be honest it's not normal for us to go days without speaking, I'm usually the one that would rather sit down talk and clear the air. DH sees these talks as me having a go at him.
I'm very aware this is impacting her and she is my priority so I need a resolution and quick

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 22:57

@IWantOutDoI if we split I would 100% stay on my own and concentrate on my daughter. He is a brilliant dad and dotes on her so in the event of a split I have no doubt that he would still continue to be the dad he's always been to her

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 26/07/2023 22:58

DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 22:53

@HundredMilesAnHour to be honest it's not normal for us to go days without speaking, I'm usually the one that would rather sit down talk and clear the air. DH sees these talks as me having a go at him.
I'm very aware this is impacting her and she is my priority so I need a resolution and quick

So basically he expects you to give in? He won't attempt to clear the air and when you do, he won't actually talk about what happened as he says you're having a go at him? I'm sorry @DietCokeIsUnderrated but he sounds like an absolute dickhead.

Original poster
DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 23:09

@HundredMilesAnHour usually he'll try and be what he thinks is funny by saying I'm sorry if you are to which if I don't believe I'm wrong I'll refuse to apologise but then we end up speaking again. There's never any actual sit down conversation let's sort this tell me how you feel stuff from him and if I try to do that he sees it as an attack on him and starts with well you're not perfect neither! I'm like ffs! I know that but when I'm wrong I'm big enough to admit it

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 26/07/2023 23:11

@DietCokeIsUnderrated could you try marriage counselling or do you think he'd refuse? Has he always been like this?

Original poster
DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 23:14

@HundredMilesAnHour I don't think he'd do it, he hates talking about his feelings.
To an extent he's always been like this although he's gradually got worse over the years

OP posts:
Peanutbutterandmarmalade64 · 26/07/2023 23:20

Reached this stage in my marriage many years ago and rather than bickering etc would pack such items into an appropriate box or container & move into his 'domain' ie. garage, shed or other, with forewarning. Never reached an acceptable solution via discussion. Have recently separated for this and many other reasons, should have taken this step years ago before the rot set in. I realise I should have defined my boundaries more clearly back then and stood firmer. Too late now, feels like 30 years wasted (other than my my DCs).
Stand firm & if he won't cooperate, concede or compromise, get out of the relationship

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/07/2023 23:21

In that case, I think you have a hard decision to make. Doesn't sound like you can ever have a grownup conversation with him without him acting like a child which unfortunately puts all the responsibility for that decision on you. I feel for you. He's putting you in an untenable position.

Gingerboy22 · 26/07/2023 23:37

Milyt · 26/07/2023 22:35

Your Daughter will be picking up on these silences. It is the one thing I remember the most about my parents awful marriage and this was over 40 years ago.

Yes me too - there was always one of us not getting talked to for ages. It is a horrible way to live and ends up affecting how you react or rather do not react to people. It is abusive.

HellonHeels · 26/07/2023 23:44

He sounds fucking dreadful. Hes giving you a joyless existence and what's more he leaves his crap all over the house and doesn't do hia fair share of hiusework.

Here4thechocs · 26/07/2023 23:57

Peppermint81 · 26/07/2023 22:34

Sounds quite petty reasons to break up your family.
Talk when you both calm, say how much his tools etc and whatever else bother you. Sort out the minor issues.
Do you spend a lot of time together or apart?

Precisely my thoughts. Break a family for this ? Please, no. Just talk , talk and talk. Please

Bee2k · 27/07/2023 00:26

It sounds like you’re total fed up but you need to sit him down and tell him that his moods are affecting you this much. You need to set goals together as to what changes need to be made to make for a happier home environment. Set the date on your phone (a realistic goal, say at least 3 months). Then see where your head is at at that time. You need to assess if there are other problems in the relationship too. The moodiness of him could be the the effect of something else - depression, affair? Sounds drastic but angry behaviours like this this are often the affect of something else happening in their heads. I hope it’s just a rough patch and you’ll get past it and working together x

Zanatdy · 27/07/2023 08:47

DietCokeIsUnderrated · 26/07/2023 22:53

@HundredMilesAnHour to be honest it's not normal for us to go days without speaking, I'm usually the one that would rather sit down talk and clear the air. DH sees these talks as me having a go at him.
I'm very aware this is impacting her and she is my priority so I need a resolution and quick

This was me and my ex. Once he didn’t speak to me for 6wks. It’s no way to live.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/07/2023 08:54

It sounds like it is time. He won't discuss the problems with you or a therapist. He won't change except for the worst. Your daughter will be affected by these cycles of abusive behaviour. What is he giving you that's worth staying for?

Get the hell out now.