I don't understand how to text men

PermanentTemporary · 26/07/2023 21:52

You don't have to...

If you don't like it, don't do it.

Tbh it sounds like it might be him thats the problem- bad fit?

Or just use it to say Hi, fancy meeting up in the next couple of weeks?

mamagiorgio · 26/07/2023 21:53

It sounds as if you know how to text men, you’re just texting the wrong one! Find somebody worthy of your efforts.

crackofdoom · 26/07/2023 21:54

I think people often have very different texting styles. I've done a lot of OLD and sometimes I've had blokes throw hissy fits and flounce off if I haven't replied to them immediately. But, to me, that's the joy of text- you reply when it's convenient for you. Then again, if they don't reply for a couple of days, that's usually not a good sign!

continentallentil · 26/07/2023 21:54

Just text him like you would a mate, but add flirting as required.

He may well not look at his phone as often as you, rather than deliberately delay. I don’t think you need to slow to his pace, but maybe don’t reply to everything in 2 minutes as if your surgically attached to your phone.

But anyway meet up IRL ASAP, you never can tell till you do.

continentallentil · 26/07/2023 21:54

YOU’RE

Ollifer · 26/07/2023 21:57

One hour isn't a long time to not reply. 12 hours yeah but come on

AutumnLeaves5 · 26/07/2023 21:58

AquamarineGlass · 26/07/2023 21:49

I have started with texting a guy today.

I really don't know how to do it.

I answer his questions but when I make a joke he takes me literally.

He leaves long gaps between replies so I'm not sure if I should too?

If I was chatting in real life it would be dead easy.

Women if you're chatting they reply quickly.

So I'd think oh he isn't interested as he didn't reply for an hour

But then he asks a question so I feel its rude not to reply back?

Don’t think that’s anything to do with him being a guy…just different texting styles. I can take hours to reply and it’s just because I get busy doing other things. If I’m cooking, exercising, reading a book or trying to do some work then I’ll finish what I’m doing. Nothing wrong with either way but it’s got to work for you.

Original poster

AquamarineGlass · 26/07/2023 21:59

I'm not sure it's him as I always have this problem.

We didn't meet OLD so I'm not sure if we are texting because it's to be flirting? So I'm trying to be funny. But not flirt.

Hes said in the past really, really nice things about my personality. And he gave me his number. I didn't text him fir a few days.

When I did he called me.

I missed the call then he texted to say he'd read my message in the rain and it had called me (ie the rain had landed on the call button)

Since then he's been very friendly and asked lots of questions but big gaps

Now I've made a joke and he hasn't replied and I feel foolish

Also I haven't added him any questions as it seems impertinent

OP posts:

Original poster

AquamarineGlass · 26/07/2023 22:01

OK thanks for what you're saying

So if he texts then i can just leave it to reply

Thats the main thing I'd like to understand as I'm off to bed soon! And have a job interview tomorrow

OP posts:

AutumnLeaves5 · 26/07/2023 22:06

I’d leave it - or maybe say you’re off to bed to get a good nights sleep before your interview. Will stop him wondering why you’ve gone from quickly replying to not.

I’d have loved to date in my grandparents generation where you just see them once a week with the occasional phone call from a phone box or letter in between 🤣

Good luck for your interview!

Original poster

AquamarineGlass · 26/07/2023 22:09

Thanks @AutumnLeaves5

I will just leave it. I'm busy tomorrow but was at a loose end this evening so thats probably skewed my perception in a few ways

OP posts:

guineacup · 27/07/2023 05:41

AquamarineGlass · 26/07/2023 22:01

OK thanks for what you're saying

So if he texts then i can just leave it to reply

Thats the main thing I'd like to understand as I'm off to bed soon! And have a job interview tomorrow

Yes, texts don't require immediate replies. The fact that you get annoyed if he doesn't reply within the hour would concern me. I couldn't live up to such expectations, and if i realised you were expecting this, I'd not take things further with you for being far too needy.

I find it suffocating when someone always replies immediately, as it sets the expectation that you do the same, and you get sucked into text "conversations" that you have little time or inclination for! It also implies that you don't have a life outside them if you feel the need to reply straight away.

It's also quite rare for someone to be so trigger happy that they always respond immediately... People differ in their text styles and response times, but the one or two on OLD that have responded immediately to messages have been too needy and things didn't work out.

guineacup · 27/07/2023 05:47

Also, you started texting a guy TODAY, and despite multiple messages back and forth, you're questioning whether he's not texting you quickly enough?! Seriously, you need to rein in your expectations here as you're getting far too invested in an unhealthy way. And asking questions isn't presumptuous! The best thing you can do here is just arrange a date...

MetaverseMavis · 27/07/2023 05:51

I had a 5-year relationship where we didn't text, just spoke or dropped the occasional email. I hate messaging and I hate the expectation of a swift response. Text etiquette varies but over texting is a real turn off

MintJulia · 27/07/2023 05:54

continentallentil · 26/07/2023 21:54

Just text him like you would a mate, but add flirting as required.

He may well not look at his phone as often as you, rather than deliberately delay. I don’t think you need to slow to his pace, but maybe don’t reply to everything in 2 minutes as if your surgically attached to your phone.

But anyway meet up IRL ASAP, you never can tell till you do.

This.

I hate the assumption that not replying immediately is rude. He could be flat out at work or driving or on the phone to his mum. Or doing any number of noisy or difficult things that require concentration.

He may not be ignoring you, he may just be busy. Like most of us are.

supercali77 · 27/07/2023 07:43

Texting doesn't suit you, it's OK to say that. Like 'sorry im not great with text, happy to speak over the phone '

Tannedandfake · 27/07/2023 07:59

AquamarineGlass · 26/07/2023 21:59

I'm not sure it's him as I always have this problem.

We didn't meet OLD so I'm not sure if we are texting because it's to be flirting? So I'm trying to be funny. But not flirt.

Hes said in the past really, really nice things about my personality. And he gave me his number. I didn't text him fir a few days.

When I did he called me.

I missed the call then he texted to say he'd read my message in the rain and it had called me (ie the rain had landed on the call button)

Since then he's been very friendly and asked lots of questions but big gaps

Now I've made a joke and he hasn't replied and I feel foolish

Also I haven't added him any questions as it seems impertinent

The rain had hit the call button…….😳

Zanatdy · 27/07/2023 08:24

Some people aren’t instant reply type people like me. Guy I was seeing earlier this year (still in contact via message) drives me bonkers as he can take days / a week to reply sometimes. We aren’t together so it’s not something I would address with him, but I tend to leave it a day or so before replying but find it tough

Original poster

AquamarineGlass · 27/07/2023 09:17

Thanks for all the replies!

I'm not annoyed he doesn't reply quickly just a bit confused as to WHY we are texting and as my last text was a joke a bit embarrassed in case he took it seriously and thinks I'm bonkers.

He didn't reply last night and I'm not going to text again.

To explain why the not replying is frustrating its that he will ask a question, ill reply pretty swiftly, but then he won't reply for a while but when he does there's another question so I feel I need to answer it!

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 09:23

guineacup · 27/07/2023 05:41

Yes, texts don't require immediate replies. The fact that you get annoyed if he doesn't reply within the hour would concern me. I couldn't live up to such expectations, and if i realised you were expecting this, I'd not take things further with you for being far too needy.

I find it suffocating when someone always replies immediately, as it sets the expectation that you do the same, and you get sucked into text "conversations" that you have little time or inclination for! It also implies that you don't have a life outside them if you feel the need to reply straight away.

It's also quite rare for someone to be so trigger happy that they always respond immediately... People differ in their text styles and response times, but the one or two on OLD that have responded immediately to messages have been too needy and things didn't work out.

Show quote history

When I've dated, if they've been an immediate responder, I've often deliberately left it longer before relying so that a precedent of immediate responses isn't set.

It's different if we've been having an intentional text conversation but a bit of chit chat, I wouldn't reply immediately. So, yes, it's fine to leave it a while before responding, it isn't rude and can let the other person feel more relaxed about it.

It's quite unnerving to me when someone replies straightaway and can feel like they're sitting with their phone in their hand waiting for you to message. That puts me off a bit - haven't they got anything better to do?

Like you said, if you were ar a loose end, it probably feels more significant but you've no idea what he had going on.

The dog might have just knocked something over that needed cleaning up. Anything!

EBearhug · 27/07/2023 09:37

I enjoy texting, but it's not the only thing in my life, so I often don't reply for ages. I've texted a lot of men I've met through OLD, because I much prefer that to phone calls, partly because I have to deal with a call then and there. But other people prefer to call. We are all different.

I did have one guy who wanted to know why I wasn't responding - it had only been a couple of hours. I had already told him work was going to be busy that day. I don't often block people, but he's one of the ones I did.

Original poster

AquamarineGlass · 27/07/2023 09:51

Yes. I certainly don't think he owes me a reply!

And a lot of intensity I don't like.

This sounds like a massive dripfeed but I only just thought of the relevance. He has one arm, not two arms. And I imagine texting on the go must be quite difficult. I knew this but didn't really make the connection to texting.

We met on social media and he very early on started leaving me voice messages. I thought this was quite bold but I'm.now realising that must be much easier for him.

If he texts again I might leave him a voice message then he has heard my voice and knows that those are OK.

What a completely insensitive person I am!

OP posts:

supercali77 · 27/07/2023 09:52

Voiceclips are great for those of us who hate texting and phone calls can be a commitment of time!

crackofdoom · 27/07/2023 12:08

Omg I hate hate hate voicenotes!! After the last 10 minute appallingly tedious voicenote full of "umms" and "ers", of which I only listened to about 4 minutes, I have just put something on my Bumble profile pleading with potential matches to not communicate this way!

Although, having said that, I might make an exception for someone with a physical disability.

33goingunder · 27/07/2023 13:12

If you don’t enjoy texting him, you’re not obliged to continue.

One arm or two, this is meant to be the fun part!