I think my partner is emotionally abusive

[Unfurlingjasminetea]

Please be warned this is a long post but I don’t know who else to turn to. I think I am coming to the realisation that my partner is emotionally abusive and I need to leave him. I’m utterly miserable 75% of the time and I feel like a shell of a human being most days. If I ever spend time away from him I feel like a weight has been lifted and like my normal self. We have a 21 month old son who is wonderful.

Below is a summary of what I feel is “not normal” about the way he treats me-

• The whole of our relationship I’ve never really been able to have friends outside of him, if I ever went out with anyone he would send me messages all evening making me feel guilty and then ignore me when I got home. So as a result, all my current friendships are connected to him. My colleagues recently invited me out for an after meal work thing and he made me feel so bad about it I was sick with anxiety all day and ended up cancelling and making an excuse.
• I feel like I walk around in on eggshells because of his mood swings and trying to appease him. Constantly putting myself out to make his life easier and mitigate the risk of a tantrum.
• He berates me all the time or makes complaints to the point where I have anxiety during certain tasks. This happens several times a day.
• Recently it feels like he’s trying to distance me from my family/support network. He is always making disparaging remarks about them even though they are lovely. My grandparents were kind enough to let us stay with them whilst we were moving house and my grandad was cooking dinner for us every night whilst my partner did absolutely f*ck all other than look after my son during the day and he was sending me unhinged messages during the day about how he couldn’t “stand” my grandad and was losing his temper with him (an 83 year old man). My grandad recently passed away unexpectedly and I feel absolutely heartbroken that that was my last experience with him.
• We recently moved to a different county and plan was for him to be a STAHD whilst we settled and then look for work- it’s been 9 months and he’s basically batting away any suggestion that he looks for work- both in his trained role or just something more casual/easy. However he simultaneously complains about being a STAHD and how isolating it is. I also suggested putting my son in nursery once a week so we can have a break and he had a go at me saying “ go ahead, if you need a break from him even though you have a break all day at work” as if working full time in the NHS, commuting home and then shopping and cooking is a break.
• I literally do 90% of the chores on top of working a full time job, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, life admin (I did ALL of this when I was on maternity leave). I’m expected to meal plan for lunchtime time during the day, so I either have to cook something with leftovers the night before or buy something in. He’s incapable of planning it himself and when I have taken a step back he literally threw a tantrum.
• He is negative about EVERYTHING. It’s absolutely draining going out with him/doing things as a family as he just complains.
• Although he looks after my son he contributes nothing financially as he isn’t working. Even if my son was in nursery we would be better off financially by miles as the job he is trained for pays quite well well. I currently pay for everything including sending him £200 each month.
• I feel like he controls every aspect of my life. My personal life is dead because of what I mentioned before but he even controls my job. For example he’s constantly putting pressure on me to come home early during the day and gets huffy if I actually have to work when I’m WFH. If I’m busy at work during the day he accuses me of being quiet.
• He is ALWAYS suspicious that I’m having an affair and this is long running in our relationship from the beginning. So if I look at my phone too long or glance at someone in the street I get accusations.
• I wake up with my son every. single. morning. Whilst he sleeps in. He has never, not once taken him in order to let me sleep. My son still wakes at night and do 90% of the night wakings. 100% whilst I was on mat leave. I also take my son to bed every night.

Tonight felt like the last straw. I had been working all day and suggested we go out for a meal. First he complained that my son wasn’t able to sit still. Then complained about the food, the environment of the place we went. All paid for by me. When we got home he complained about his friends and my family. I took my son for a bath whilst he lay on the sofa for half an hour. He said he needed to use the toilet and I asked if he could wait with my son for a few seconds whilst I just put a wash on. He got angry and I said “it’s fine I can wait.” He then insisted that I sort out the washing and when I came back he was playing with our son. I had a message from family and replied. When I turned around he had a face like thunder so I said “what?”. He then stormed out.

Stuff like this is just constant. I feel like I’m going crazy half the time because if I ever try to talk to him about it he turns it around on me and I end up being the one apologising or feeling like I’ve overreacted.

Your isolated from family and friends
you change your behaviour around him
you feel anxious
you do majority of everything
he berates you
Take all the words and see the facts …. And then ask yourself , is this loving ?

Do you want to leave him? Can you leave him?

Oh gosh op I'm so sorry you feel like this.

Get out as fast as you can. Your son will soon see this behaviour and see it as the norm. He deserves better. And, my god, so do you.

Dear OP, he is treating you so badly and totally taking advantage of you. He is like a spoilt child. How do you have the patience not to argue back and tell him he's a selfish, lazy man. Your post made me so angry on your behalf. You work full time and also do most of the jobs at home? He's having a laugh! Are you worried he might become violent if you stand up to him? You have a good job- you are in a good position to terminate this relationship and manage without him. He does not treat you with the love and respect you deserve, he is making you anxious and cutting you off from your family. Please confide in someone who knows you. I bet everyone you know is worried about you. Take care xxx

You need to switch this and fast before you leave him. I would be v careful if he's currently the SAHD. I would look into this before making a move as you don't want him ending up with you paying him maintenance whilst he is looking after your son.

Please use some of the NHS resources to seek advice and support. You should not be treated like this. It is abuse. You should be able to access counselling or an employee assistance programs. Try having a look on the local intranet page for sign posting and support. I wish you well and just remember you deserve to be happy.

Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco
I don’t worry about him being violent at all. He wouldn’t even be verbally abusive if that makes sense? It feels like he is subtly chipping away at me. He speaks to me in a “nasty” tone, slams doors, throws things etc. but I don’t believe he would ever lay a finger on me.

People aren’t worried because I put on a mask and pretend everything is ok. I had noticed recently that he’d upset my parents a few times so I don’t think they’d be surprised

Be very careful he doesn't present as dc's main carer and get residency op.
Get dc into a nursery. That lazy fucker can get a job and fuck off. Or fuck off first be better.. Have you any relatives to visit op? Without you to manage his life he may go live elsewhere.. Does he have dps?

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He is abusing you and in turn your son also.

It is but a small step between slamming doors and hitting you. If he thinks that the current intimidation and control methods being used against you are not enough he will further escalate. Further escalation of violence against you and objects is highly likely and what you’re also describing are examples of domestic violence.

Abuse like described thrives on secrecy so I would urge you to speak out to trusted people. Do not continue to put on a mask and pretend that everything is ok. Women’s aid are also well worth contacting here. You need ultimately to get away from this dangerous individual.

My parents are actually moving to the area in a month or so, which is a huge relief.

Sorry what is dps?

As NHS staff you should be able to access a lot of support. Talk to your manager / wellbeing team / occupational health / employee assistance program - whichever of these you have available in your Trust.

I expect people including your parents realise that all isn't as it seems. If you can open up to some trusted people you'll find they will support you.

As per PP, I would get your child in nursery full time before you think about leaving. Otherwise you risk him being seen as the primary carer.

I've been there, working full time (also NHS), commuting, doing all the housework and carrying all the mental load as well. Exh had quit his job because he fell out with his colleagues. Our son was in full time nursery and he would scream about how he couldn't go back to his well paid line of work because he'd been "left holding the baby". Jerk.

Dps is dear parents.

I would also suggest you read Why does he do that? written by Lundy Bancroft because this controlling man of yours is in those pages. This is who he really is and he is not going to change. Remember too the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Do not keep on subjecting your son to his controller father.

He speaks to me in a “nasty” tone, slams doors, throws things etc. but I don’t believe he would ever lay a finger on me.

How can you ssy that? He can "acciidentally" throw something you or dc get in way
Slam a door your child in the way
He will
When you try to leave
But leave you must.
Get out dont tell him

Honestly I'd change the locks and arrange for him to collect his belongings when someone else can be there with you. He's absolutely being abusive, gaslighting and controlling you and using coercive control. That's not a healthy environment for you or your child to be in. What is he actually contributing to your life? You pay for everything, run after all the housework and all you get in return is emotional abuse. I'd get your ds enrolled in a nursery or childminder and then get your partner out of your house (presumably you pay for it too). Change your locks and go through a solicitor re child contract arrangements incase he turns nasty. You don't need to put up with this.

Can you move in with your parents? Get your child into nursery and stop sending your partner money, that’s crazy. He needs to get a job. This is not a relationship you want to have your child grow up with.

That’s actually just reminded me of something that happened a few months ago. Our son was unsettled at night and he got so frustrated that he threw some clothing down on the bed and it whipped me in the eye- very painful. He apologised but then stormed out, slamming the door. Of course left me to deal with an unsettled child whilst he slept in the spare room all night

Cherrysoup
Yes I could but they’re just in the process of moving so they’ll probably be in the area next month if all goes to plan. Do single Mums get help with nursery costs? I have a mortgage so would still have to keep paying that- full time nursery fees on top would be a squeeze.

mummysquasher
Sorry to hear you experience the same with your husband! Wtf how on earth does he justify that if his child is in nursery? My partner was in a similar situation where he managed to fall out with his manager and the conflicts went on for years.

It’s such a slap in the face to be told that I’m apparently resting at work. I’m currently downstairs with my son (since 6am) whilst he sleeps. Took him to bed at 7.30 so he’s had the whole evening to himself and done nothing. The kitchen is sink is full of dirty dishes from yesterday and he hasn’t bothered to bring in the washing so now it’s got wet overnight.
Today I’ll be the one meal planning, going shopping after work, coming home to dirty dishes from lunch and then most likely I’ll be cooking.

But do you not realise that this is the worst kind of abuse? I know that abuse is abuse but when it is this silent and strips you of your personality, it is truly awful! To the point where you come on here to say you ‘THINK’ he’s being emotionally abusive. I hope you now have the clarity you need to be able to leave this horrid fellow and find your peace.

chocobaby
I completely agree. It’s much more insidious especially because he can randomly be very cheerful some parts of the day so it really is jarring trying to guess when he will “turn”. I feel like I’m going crazy because if I ever try to address it he turns it around on me and makes me feel like either overreacting or I’m not allowing to be human and invalidating his emotions.

Part of the reason I approached Mumsnet before family/friends for advice is because I was genuinely worried that it was all in my head.

puffinsarecool

it’s not loving at all. I’m fact I could deal with everything else- doing all the housework, working full time etc if he was just consistently nicer to me. How sad is that? The bar is that low.

Please contact the NHS resources to access counselling etc.

I would also contact WA.

He is abusive. He is coercive, which is a crime.

is your home jointly owned? Or is it only owned by you?

REignbow
I’m the one who owns it. This is because when we applied for a mortgage 1) he is older than me so it would have reduced repayment years 2) he couldn’t/wouldn’t find work in the area. So that pretty much excluded him from being on the mortgage. We both put a big deposit down, me 40 grand, him 30 grand so that made the repayments manageable on one salary. I would have much preferred him to be on the mortgage as that would have increased our borrowing power- as a result it was quite difficult to find a house in our budget.
it’s now a massive point of contention for him that I “own” the house and he has “no rights”- even though I would never screw him over. If we split up and sold the house I would of course give him his deposit back. And it was literally out of my control anyway due to his age/no work therefore being excluded from the application.

PlaceYourHands

i don’t want to break our family up. My son is quite attached to his Dad and it just breaks my heart. But I genuinely cannot go on like this and I know I deserve better.
what I don’t understand is why my partner is behaving in this way. We have everything going for us. A nice house in a great area. He has no responsibilities or financial pressures other than looking after my son during the day which I appreciate can be difficult (I was on mat leave with him for the first 13 months) but it’s his choice and our son is healthy/thriving. I’m a good cook and make home cooked meals most days and if not nice meals out. We do lovely things at the weekend (paid for by me) and I have a holiday booked to Spain in September (also paid for by me). I’m a very placid person who rarely instigates arguments, has bad moods. Why is he do damn miserable and negative all the time???