I think my partner is emotionally abusive

[Unfurlingjasminetea]

Please be warned this is a long post but I don’t know who else to turn to. I think I am coming to the realisation that my partner is emotionally abusive and I need to leave him. I’m utterly miserable 75% of the time and I feel like a shell of a human being most days. If I ever spend time away from him I feel like a weight has been lifted and like my normal self. We have a 21 month old son who is wonderful.

Below is a summary of what I feel is “not normal” about the way he treats me-

• The whole of our relationship I’ve never really been able to have friends outside of him, if I ever went out with anyone he would send me messages all evening making me feel guilty and then ignore me when I got home. So as a result, all my current friendships are connected to him. My colleagues recently invited me out for an after meal work thing and he made me feel so bad about it I was sick with anxiety all day and ended up cancelling and making an excuse.
• I feel like I walk around in on eggshells because of his mood swings and trying to appease him. Constantly putting myself out to make his life easier and mitigate the risk of a tantrum.
• He berates me all the time or makes complaints to the point where I have anxiety during certain tasks. This happens several times a day.
• Recently it feels like he’s trying to distance me from my family/support network. He is always making disparaging remarks about them even though they are lovely. My grandparents were kind enough to let us stay with them whilst we were moving house and my grandad was cooking dinner for us every night whilst my partner did absolutely f*ck all other than look after my son during the day and he was sending me unhinged messages during the day about how he couldn’t “stand” my grandad and was losing his temper with him (an 83 year old man). My grandad recently passed away unexpectedly and I feel absolutely heartbroken that that was my last experience with him.
• We recently moved to a different county and plan was for him to be a STAHD whilst we settled and then look for work- it’s been 9 months and he’s basically batting away any suggestion that he looks for work- both in his trained role or just something more casual/easy. However he simultaneously complains about being a STAHD and how isolating it is. I also suggested putting my son in nursery once a week so we can have a break and he had a go at me saying “ go ahead, if you need a break from him even though you have a break all day at work” as if working full time in the NHS, commuting home and then shopping and cooking is a break.
• I literally do 90% of the chores on top of working a full time job, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, life admin (I did ALL of this when I was on maternity leave). I’m expected to meal plan for lunchtime time during the day, so I either have to cook something with leftovers the night before or buy something in. He’s incapable of planning it himself and when I have taken a step back he literally threw a tantrum.
• He is negative about EVERYTHING. It’s absolutely draining going out with him/doing things as a family as he just complains.
• Although he looks after my son he contributes nothing financially as he isn’t working. Even if my son was in nursery we would be better off financially by miles as the job he is trained for pays quite well well. I currently pay for everything including sending him £200 each month.
• I feel like he controls every aspect of my life. My personal life is dead because of what I mentioned before but he even controls my job. For example he’s constantly putting pressure on me to come home early during the day and gets huffy if I actually have to work when I’m WFH. If I’m busy at work during the day he accuses me of being quiet.
• He is ALWAYS suspicious that I’m having an affair and this is long running in our relationship from the beginning. So if I look at my phone too long or glance at someone in the street I get accusations.
• I wake up with my son every. single. morning. Whilst he sleeps in. He has never, not once taken him in order to let me sleep. My son still wakes at night and do 90% of the night wakings. 100% whilst I was on mat leave. I also take my son to bed every night.

Tonight felt like the last straw. I had been working all day and suggested we go out for a meal. First he complained that my son wasn’t able to sit still. Then complained about the food, the environment of the place we went. All paid for by me. When we got home he complained about his friends and my family. I took my son for a bath whilst he lay on the sofa for half an hour. He said he needed to use the toilet and I asked if he could wait with my son for a few seconds whilst I just put a wash on. He got angry and I said “it’s fine I can wait.” He then insisted that I sort out the washing and when I came back he was playing with our son. I had a message from family and replied. When I turned around he had a face like thunder so I said “what?”. He then stormed out.

Stuff like this is just constant. I feel like I’m going crazy half the time because if I ever try to talk to him about it he turns it around on me and I end up being the one apologising or feeling like I’ve overreacted.

Agree with chocobaby this is the worse kind of abuse. That insidious, silent, seething - slowly chipping away at you until you feel like a shadow of your former self. Time to find your anger OP, he is a cocklodging waste of space that adds NOTHING to your life.

Don't keep this under wraps, confide in your parents/colleagues/womens aid, and seek support into leaving your abuser as soon as you possibly can. I feel outraged on your behalf and wish I could transfer this to you so you had the strength to dump his bags outside, change the locks and tell him to fuck off - very loudly!

This type is likely to start the waterworks or threatening suicide when you finally wake and up and end things. It's them losing control, not because they are sorry. Just remember he has no love for you, just seething contempt.

Take care OP, things can escalate when they know or sense you backing away and ending the relationship. If you feel frightened, don't hesitate in calling the police.

Emotional abuse can eventually lead to physical abuse if you're not careful.
Ask yourself what you get out of staying with him..Read your post back. Is this any way to live?

@Unfurlingjasminetea

It's no good trying to work out why is he like this. You will drive yourself mad. You sound lovely, and your original post was beyond shocking.

My DH of 36 years is a pain in the arse at times, but I could not put up with even 10% of what you are going through with this man. Slowly but surely your morale and confidence will be reduced until it is in the gutter. He has issues and the only way he can make himself feel better is to reduce you to a shadow of your former self.
The alienating you from family and friends is horrible and very worrying.

I rarely say LTB on MN but you need to go as soon as you can. It will not get better, it will only get worse, until you don't have the strength or fibre to leave.

Just imagine how happy you are going to be without that treading on eggshells and having your confidence chipped away at.

'What I don’t understand is why my partner is behaving in this way.'

Read the book 'Why Does he Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. There is a free e book link somewhere on mumsnet.

This is the question that baffles many women who have experienced this. He does it because he's abusive. He won't change. Instead, ask yourself why do I accept this kind of behaviour?

He is dcs main carer. Doesn't mean they can't split up though.

Speak to https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Take their advice on what your next steps should be.

I used to have a husband like yours - I would describe him as "grumpy" but he was an abuser. His behaviour escalated over the years.

We're rooting for you, OP.

OP
You don't have to live like this anymore.
You deserve better.
You don't have to separate your son from his dad.
I would tell him to move out. Tell him that the relationship is over and you don't want to fix it.
I had to be blunt with my ex. I just text him and said that I was not happy and that he needed to move out. It's been a year and he's not set foot in the house since.
It sounds scary but you can't live like this. To be honest you are a single parent already, just one with free childcare. You will probably get UC for childcare. I'm band 4 and get 80% of the childcare back.
I honestly skip about my house because I'm so happy now. No bad moods, no suspicion, no paranoia about me having an affair, no insults, no childish strops, no having to wade through discarded crisp packets thrown on the floor and sideways empty beer cans in the morning. No getting back after a day trip with the kids (to give him a break) to find he'd done nothing around the house. Not even put a wash on or the hoover round.
I am so so so happy now.
A warning though. It will not be plain sailing. He will ramp up the abuse. He will try to get you to come back. He will say he will change.
I've had to block my ex and only talk through his mum. I used to send him photos of his ds and if there was a man randomly in the background he would be text back 'stop bringing your fuck buddies around our child' he was and is completely delusional. He would text me all sorts of horrible names and tell me I was an awful parent.
Your child may be sad and not understand. That's heartbreaking at times. My kids still don't always get it and they miss him. My DS wrote in his exercise book 'I don't know where my dad is and when he is coming home'. I lost it when I found that, it took a lot of reflection to remind myself that this was in their interests too. They might only remember 'fun' dad but they knew really that we weren't happy. My dd said 'I know you were sad mummy, and daddy was angry. I love you both more now you don't live together'. She knows it's not normal for your dad to get angry and your mum to cower.
But you need him to get out. Can you borrow any money to pay him out? Can you speak to the mortgage company about how to proceed. If it's only in your name, does he have a leg to stand on?
Please keep talking to us, we can help you

OP this is all the hallmarks of abusive person in my opinion. I've recently come out the other side and I was totally unaware at the time that there were different forms of abuse and being a guy, never really thought it was that. Just like you are saying was the same for me and just like you I played it down, excused it and said oh they would never. I was wrong.

everything is negative there is no end to it and you being the closest, you are the emotional punching bag who puts up with it, drains you. You may notice that negativity magically vanishes in public and returns just for you.

The isolation is to make you dependent and without support and once you are isolated it gets worse. Even if family moves down to support, they won't like it, they will be intruding and will still try to isolate and ruin relationships.

Just like you I had random events of 'accidents' where I got hurt in the process and it was brushed off and make out to be innocent but it happened too frequently. This then eventually turned into full on physical down the line.

So just because he's not at that stage yet doesn't mean it won't happen. I never thought it would but it did and I wish I saw it for what it was earlier as in the end I had the whole abuse toolkit come my way and it's not stopped now gone, just being played another way.

Be very careful of how you talk or bring issues up because they won't like being blamed or criticized, you're not talking to someone who thinks on the same level or way as you. If control is slipping or you are seeing behind the veil it can get worse from what I've seen. It's like major trigger and considering has issues around loyalty, leaving may be that trigger.

Get support, advice and plan accordingly stay safe.

Hth

This. Be careful.

He is abusive because he enjoys the power it gives him. He will get worse and in time this will imact your child. Get your DC into childcare asap or this horrible man might claim to be resident parent and you will be paying for his lazy arse for the next 16 years.

I just had to read the first item in your list.

Yes. He's horrifically emotionally abusive.

Can you tell friends/family?

I'd plan to leave. This is no life for you.

He is a abusive and it will only get worse. Doing all the work, all the childcare and all the housework while being constantly criticised will turn you into a shell of the person you are. Your son deserves a happy and complete mum, not a shell. Sounds like you are not married which is great. Arrange childcare for your son and if the house is in your name ask him to leave. He may try to claim full residency but make sure you are clear you will never settle for less than 50/50. He wont like that because he wont get any child support from you then, so my guess is he'll walk away. He already shown he's too lazy to even get up in the mornings for your child.

You MUST get legal advice before you do anything, as your partner is a SAHD. This is very important.

Thank you for the responses everyone, it’s clear I need to tread carefully and do some organising.

He's an abuser OP.

This is the classic cycle of abuse. You're anxious around him, he's isolated you from family and friends, you're providing everything for him...

You say you aren't worried about him being physically violent. But it's already starting. He's throwing things and slamming doors etc. It's going to get worse.

Please access the support tools at your disposal via the NHS. And please don't isolated yourself from family and friends whilst you figure out what to do next.

Your partner sounds like a typical narcissist OP, no wonder you're so stressed. Go onto you tube and search for Looking behind the mirror... Ben Taylor or Lee Hammock. Things will make sense afterwards.

Having the mortgage in your name is different from having names on the deeds. You can have the Morton your name and that makes you responsible for the repayments but at the same time your name it both your names can be on the deeds. There's also a difference between the house being Tenants In Common or being Joint Tenants. You probably need to find out about the above and then at least you will know and have that in your mind when/ if you decide it's time to live a different life.

This post is from July last year.

This sounds like a very unwell unhappy man. I fail to see how he is abusing you because you have the money and power to leave in this situation. And if he is abusive why are you allowing him to care for a baby all day? Maybe he is a good dad and if so the baby is probably better off than with strangers. Just questions because in my mind if you are not happy (and most women would be unhappy with a man who doesn’t work). Then. Break up. 🔝