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Original poster

Can I expect my ex husband to clean my house?

44 replies

Cleanmachinio · 25/07/2023 23:16

Separated from my husband a year ago. He has been living with his brother. The children stay with him a night or two a week, but no more due to a lack of space.

Therefore, my ex spends the rest of his 50% contact time at my house (was the family home). I've pushed for sale but he has said that this set up works for him and our finances currently. He says it's temporary but a year already seems too long.

The problem with this is that I hardly get the time and space to stay on top of the cleaning when I don't have the children as I'm having to go out when he's here. I've asked if we can come up with a bit of a cleaning rota between us and he has said "I'm not cleaning or tidying a house I'm not living in." I get this. But he is also using this space. It is a shared space for part of the week.

I am also washing all the clothes for the children etc as he has no space to store or wash their clothes at his brothers. All of their things are here and often there are several carrier bags full of stuff that I'm having to sort through and put away after their overnights with him as they keep nothing there. It's relentless. He has nothing to do domestically. His brother's girlfriend cleans the house he's living in so he's not really having to lift a finger anywhere. He is also living with his brother for free as he's affluent and has no dependents.

The little spare time I do get when they're not using my space is spent cleaning and tidying up. It's a big house and I feel it's too much for me. I've suggested a cleaner if he won't pull his weight but he tells me that isn't an option due to finances which are strained since we separated and will only get worse as we untangle our joint finances.

Am I unreasonable to expect more of a contribution? FWIW we both work. Him FT, me 4 days.

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 25/07/2023 23:18

Can’t you send them out?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2023 23:21

Is he is doing his contact in your family home he at the very least needs to clean up after the meals he cooks with the kids and do his proportion of their laundry etc when he's there - normally he'd be doing that in his own house

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2023 23:23

Also it's not your problem that he has limited storage space for their clothes at his house he can keep them in the car if he likes or take them to a laundry service - you're not his maid - the ' I won't do more house work than I have to' attitude can work both ways

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2023 23:24

The current set up Will lead to you being burnt out and grumpy with the kids due to house work pressure and him being the fun one which is so unfair on you. Sorry but he can't have all the benefits of using your home with none of the responsibilities

ivykaty44 · 25/07/2023 23:25

I'm not cleaning or tidying a house I'm not living in." I get this. But he is also using this space. It is a shared space for part of the week.

this is not a good message for your D.C., they see you do all the housework and the other parent doesn’t. I’d change that by letting the other parent know unless they are prepared to clean and tidy the space they are using for their children - then they need to take their children elsewhere- there choice but it’s a definite choice they will have ti make.

wht are your finances still mixed 12 months+ diwn the line

ivykaty44 · 25/07/2023 23:28

Oh and tell him he doesn’t get to be the Disney dad whilst you have to play Cinderella

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 25/07/2023 23:34

He nay has to clean up the mess made on his contact hours. Not clean up after anything done on your hours. Make him have the children somewhere else because this isn’t working.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 25/07/2023 23:34

He only

Zanatdy · 26/07/2023 08:59

If he won’t help clean tell him to take the kids out when he’s with them, it’s summer, so easy enough

rookiemere · 26/07/2023 09:02

If he won't keep the house clean or look after the DCs clothes on his contact time, then it's not reasonable to expect you to be out of the house for it.
I'd make sure you clean and do the washing on "his" time at the very least.

Chasingsquirrels · 26/07/2023 09:03

I've pushed for sale but he has said that this set up works for him and our finances currently.

But it doesn't work for you, and you have agency here.
Start the divorce & financial settlement rolling.

SunRainStorm · 26/07/2023 09:03

Tell him he can no longer use your house for visitation but he is welcome to take the children out.

He should absolutely be doing his share of laundry and tidying for your shared children and what is currently a shared space.

I'd be insisting on some of the children's clothes staying at their dad and he being responsible for laundering it as well. Cheeky fucker, sending them home with bags of dirty clothes!

DinnaeFashYersel · 26/07/2023 09:11

this set up works for him

But it doesn't work for you. So you need to put your foot down.

Start the divorce and financial settlement

He cleans and does laundry or he doesn't get to use the house for contact.

Stop doing anything for him. It's no longer 'ours, it's his and hers and you have no responsibility or accountability to him.

Sunshineandflipflops · 26/07/2023 09:13

I feel you pain with the laundry op. My ex rents his own house but all the DC's washing from weekends at his has always come back dirty. I've been a bit stuck with it though as if I insisted he does it, then they would be without those clothes for a week or more until he got round to washing them and saw them again, and that isn't fair on them.

His mum also does all his cleaning for him (one person with the dc there on average 1.5 nights a week) while I work f/t and do all the cleaning after the dc who are here most of the time.

Frustrates me but it's the way it is and I do what I do for the dc and now they are teenagers they do notice.

My ex never spent time at my house though (I bought him out of family home) so that would frustrate me even more. I think he needs to at least clean up after himself when he has been there and contribute to a cleaner, even if it's once a fortnight.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/07/2023 09:13

XH would never agree to sell the house. Once the court ordered it, though, he had no choice. As it appears you are not separated with a view to possible reconciling (I know, but apparently people do, even to such a useless article as your ex and even mine!), I reckon it's time to get that divorce on track, assuming you aren't already. I know those legal wheels turn slowly.

FloweryName · 26/07/2023 09:16

Push for sale harder. You need a divorce to force him out of the very cushy comfort zone your ex had found himself in.

ConnieTucker · 26/07/2023 09:18

FloweryName · 26/07/2023 09:16

Push for sale harder. You need a divorce to force him out of the very cushy comfort zone your ex had found himself in.

This. He is using this to control you. Go back to your solicitor. And no he cannot do his contact time in your home. And do not leave if he does. Stop making it easy for him to be shit dad

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 26/07/2023 09:20

You need to make plans to sell the house. I wouldn’t leave when he is there, don’t let him get too comfortable. Don’t clean before he comes, don’t leave it trashed but don’t clean up. Make shopping day after his time, maybe turn the wifi off. There are lots of little things you can do to make the house a little less comfortable for him. You will have to spend the day after his time cleaning anyway, take the day off before he comes.

ConnieTucker · 26/07/2023 09:20

His brother is affluent yet has his girlfriend cleaning up after his lazy brother?! Poor woman. Family of arseholes there.

ConnieTucker · 26/07/2023 09:21

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 26/07/2023 09:20

You need to make plans to sell the house. I wouldn’t leave when he is there, don’t let him get too comfortable. Don’t clean before he comes, don’t leave it trashed but don’t clean up. Make shopping day after his time, maybe turn the wifi off. There are lots of little things you can do to make the house a little less comfortable for him. You will have to spend the day after his time cleaning anyway, take the day off before he comes.

ooh yes. Change wifi password immediately. And all tv logins.

what does he actually spend him time doing with the children?

ButterCrackers · 26/07/2023 09:26

Tell him he either plays for a cleaner and goes to the laundrette (or pays for this service) or he stays in a hotel with the kids. He’s leading a fine life with no respect for you.

SpringleDingle · 26/07/2023 09:27

You treat me and this space with respect (which means cleaning up after yourself and doing your share of the kid related chores) or you don’t use the space… end of discussion. Then remove your permission for him to use the space if he doesn’t stop being a dick

Pixiedust1234 · 26/07/2023 09:27

He can take the children out, just like all other divorced and separated parents.

It doesn't work for you, and therefore it doesn't work for the dcs long term (burnt out and very unhappy mum). He's controlling you and making you jump through hoops. His contact time - what he does in it and where - is not your problem to fix. Stop him accessing the home for contact, and start the divorce/sale of house. Reclaim your power.

Epidote · 26/07/2023 09:34

The current arrangement only works for him.
I assuming that if you want to sell the house is still of both you. You need to sell it or buy him out unfortunately. He will have his own space etc and you won't have to see his face anymore.

YABVU thinking he will lift a finger, why is he going to do that if he can get away with it?

Is your ex for multiple reasons, remember that.

Sewingdufus · 26/07/2023 09:44

He needs to contribute towards the chores if he’s using the house.

As for the bags, send them back when the children next go to contact, he needs to have responsibility for all the chores associated with parenthood during his contact time.