Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Can I expect my ex husband to clean my house?

44 replies

Cleanmachinio · 25/07/2023 23:16

Separated from my husband a year ago. He has been living with his brother. The children stay with him a night or two a week, but no more due to a lack of space.

Therefore, my ex spends the rest of his 50% contact time at my house (was the family home). I've pushed for sale but he has said that this set up works for him and our finances currently. He says it's temporary but a year already seems too long.

The problem with this is that I hardly get the time and space to stay on top of the cleaning when I don't have the children as I'm having to go out when he's here. I've asked if we can come up with a bit of a cleaning rota between us and he has said "I'm not cleaning or tidying a house I'm not living in." I get this. But he is also using this space. It is a shared space for part of the week.

I am also washing all the clothes for the children etc as he has no space to store or wash their clothes at his brothers. All of their things are here and often there are several carrier bags full of stuff that I'm having to sort through and put away after their overnights with him as they keep nothing there. It's relentless. He has nothing to do domestically. His brother's girlfriend cleans the house he's living in so he's not really having to lift a finger anywhere. He is also living with his brother for free as he's affluent and has no dependents.

The little spare time I do get when they're not using my space is spent cleaning and tidying up. It's a big house and I feel it's too much for me. I've suggested a cleaner if he won't pull his weight but he tells me that isn't an option due to finances which are strained since we separated and will only get worse as we untangle our joint finances.

Am I unreasonable to expect more of a contribution? FWIW we both work. Him FT, me 4 days.

OP posts:

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 26/07/2023 09:59

This arrangement is working foe him. Of course it is so there is no incentive for him to change it. This will drag on and on way more than a year if you let it. Get the divorce moved on and tell him he is not using your house for contact any longer as it is bot working for you the main caregiver. Do nit become his doormat and feel responsible for his needs and wants. He left the family unit and those are the consequences. Your only concern now is doing what is best for you and the children.

Tatzelwyrm · 26/07/2023 10:16

DinnaeFashYersel · 26/07/2023 09:11

this set up works for him

But it doesn't work for you. So you need to put your foot down.

Start the divorce and financial settlement

He cleans and does laundry or he doesn't get to use the house for contact.

Stop doing anything for him. It's no longer 'ours, it's his and hers and you have no responsibility or accountability to him.

totally agree

Opentooffers · 26/07/2023 11:43

I think you need to push forwards the financial settlements. Sell the house as it has become too big if there is more space than you need.
You are finding out that him doing the bulk of his 50% in your home is an untenable situation. It might of seemed like a reasonable temporary solution, but the ease you are giving him is at your expense so he has no incentive to change it.
If he wants 50%, he is responsible for making that happen on his own time, right now you are enabling him to get that. I suspect the 50% is as much tied with him being financially abusive and to get out of him paying you child support. Does he still pay half the mortgage and bills as he's there so much?
When you sort a proper split, you may well find that he doesn't want 50% really as it will be too hard for him to manage on his own. Looks like you've been making his life very easy for the past year.

Mari9999 · 26/07/2023 11:50

@Cleanmachinio
It hardly matters what anyone else thinks, you have absolutely no leverage to make this man do anything.

mrsm43s · 26/07/2023 17:58

He should leave the house in the same condition as he finds it. He should not be leaving any additional mess for you to clear up.

Other than that, no he's not your cleaner, and shouldn't be clearing up mess that you make or your children make on your time, nor doing your laundry (or your children's laundry for clothes worn on your time). I suppose, arguably, you could say that he should take the clothes that your DC are wearing during his contact time home and wash them and bring them back the next week, but this seems a little petty tbh, and I can't imagine makes a dent in your washing load.

Perhaps you could move out, and he could move in if this arrangement doesn't suit you. Then, of course, he'd be responsible for all of the housework.

FrostieBoabby · 26/07/2023 18:29

I would make his time unpleasant, WiFi password changed, all toilet roll hidden in my car boot and replaced with that Izal medicated stuff. No coffee mugs and/or kettle in the car boot, tesco value tea bags only. All minty toothpaste hidden and replaced with kids fruit flavoured stuff. Can't go too far though with kids in the house but just enough to be annoying...

gamerchick · 26/07/2023 18:34

Tell him the kids are available for contact but he will no longer be seeing them at your house.

If he doesn't agree then it's time to get shit court ordered.

It's time to start the divorce OP and get all the financial shit sorted out. Things won't change at his end.

He doesn't want you to move on, he likes you exactly where he's got you. Take some control back.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 26/07/2023 19:49

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to change anything.
He had a maid before you separated and now he has TWO!

He has the dcs 50/50 so doesn’t pay CM but he doesn’t have to house them either, pay for the heating, electricity etc… whilst at your house.

Of course it’s working for him!!

Time to get tough. He has had a year to sort himself out. Now you need to take control. Start the divorce, sell the house.
And fgs, tell him he can’t have the dcs at your house during his half. I mean, he is kicking you out if your own house!!

GoodChat · 26/07/2023 20:08

It's working for him because it makes his life piss easy. Realistically it's not 50/50 because you're still there when he has his contact. It's time for him to step up.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/07/2023 20:19

I don't understand why you leave when he is there. Its your home. Get on with the divorce.

Hummingbird10 · 26/07/2023 23:47

He is living in it for the time he is there so he can bloody well clean up after himself. He is blocking you selling and being an arse when he’s there and controlling the narrative and you. Can you manage to seek legal advice re selling house ? Good luck. Non of this seems fair on you.

Doingmybest12 · 26/07/2023 23:57

I would be saying he has to find somewhere else for his time with the children, this isn't a healthy arrangement with him using and abusing the home and you. This might make him realise he's got to get on with the house sale. About the washing of clothing , I think I could put up with thar so I know where clothing is etc. I wouldn't want my children's belongings being stored in a car as suggested by someone else, horrible for the children.

Doone21 · 27/07/2023 14:29

Totally unreasonable for him to spend all his contact time doing the house work especially as its not his house. But wtf you doing letting him use the house? It's clearly getting in your way and stopping you from your routine. Tell him to fuck off and take them out. His lack of premises is not your problem.

readbooksdrinktea · 27/07/2023 14:31

Chasingsquirrels · 26/07/2023 09:03

I've pushed for sale but he has said that this set up works for him and our finances currently.

But it doesn't work for you, and you have agency here.
Start the divorce & financial settlement rolling.

This! Seems he has it a bit too easy. Are you paying for the house alone?

ConnieTucker · 27/07/2023 23:08

She is asking him to clean up after himself. In what universe is that unreasonable?!

WowOK · 11/11/2023 18:42

I would stop allowing him to use the house for contact. He's contributing to the mess but refusing to clean it then he can go elsewhere.

I'd also push for the sale of the house.

Valeriekat · 14/11/2023 08:21

Mari9999 · 26/07/2023 11:50

@Cleanmachinio
It hardly matters what anyone else thinks, you have absolutely no leverage to make this man do anything.

She will when she files for divorce!

Haydenn · 14/11/2023 08:39

He says the current situation works, but it doesn’t, not for you.

have you approached a solicitor yet?

Channellingsophistication · 14/11/2023 08:46

It’s no wonder he doesn’t want to change the arrangement as it’s great for him isn’t it !
The least he can do is clean up after himself when he has been in the house.

i’m not sure how you make him, so I guess the only solution is to push forward with the divorce and house sale.

Flip

1 2