High functioning alcoholic depressed DH, advice wanted

[Lovelifeluminosity]

Married 15+ years, kids x 2 both under 10. First time poster, long time lurker. DH made excellent money 10 years ago, before being made redundant. Enough to see kids thru private school, enough for neither of us to have to work full time, as long as the bottom doesn't fall out of the stock market, as long as inflation doesn't rocket, etc etc. Basically the stuff of dreams and lottery wins. Both of us from humble backgrounds where nothing was wasted or taken for granted. Even writing this down makes me feel ungrateful. Fair enough if you have no sympathy for the rest.

DH is a rollercoaster. I don't know what mood he will be in from one minute to the next. Eggshells everywhere. I do 95% of the kids. I took a part time job 5 years ago so that I didn't kill him. He doesn't leave the house except to buy beer and cigs. He is the life and soul of the party (sometimes) but has no friends. He has no/few hobbies. He has a man cave where he spends his days. He has no routine except to appear for mealtimes. He naps every day. He sleeps badly. He rarely exercises. I have diagnosed him w depression and alcoholism. I have promised to be there for him to help him, we could afford for him to get help but he won't. I've spoken to his GP for advice and passed it all on. We've had counselling re our appalling communication but as soon as it stopped everything reverted to type. He does nothing. We go through months that are ok, then suddenly something isn't and we spend weeks/months on the dark side. The kids say I'm angry. He 'helps' with the house chores and I try to be grateful.

Tonight we tried to play a family game and because he lost and we laughed about it he skulked off to bed at 8pm complaining he's only good for paying bills. He uses this line a lot - like a cry for an ego massage. What example is he for our children? They're already sensitive to his moods 'don't tell daddy he'll be angry'. He says he likes doing nothing and thinks he's earned that right. I live life to the full, every day, I find it hard to relax because there are always a million things to do. He's never been abusive.

I have very supportive friends and family, he doesn't have anyone he is honest with (that I know of). The things that brought us together - our easy going pre kids life of dinners and travel doesn't exist anymore but I love him. How do I reach him? We have no excuses for not having a happy marriage and a healthier relationship to model for our kids. Thanks if you got this far..

'he's never been abusive'
Really, read through what you have written. There is amore to an abusive relationship than a black eye you know.

He's so emotionally abusive even your children know it.

It sounds horrendous. No communication, no support with the kids, isolating himself and drinking….awful.

What do you want? Because he won’t change unless HE realises he needs to. You can’t support, help, cajole or make him change.

You and your kids deserve better than this.

You can't reach him and you can't fix this. He has to want to get help for his drinking. I can only suggest contacting Al-non for support for yourself and, for the children, there's NACOA (National Association of Children of Alcoholics). I'm sorry I can't say anything more hopeful and positive than that but I wish you the very best of luck.

Gosh 😥Thanks. Yes I agree me trying to help does not help. I want him to get out of denial and love and appreciate the amazing life he's got. Will check out al anon.

@Lovelifeluminosity how much is he drinking? Depression and alcoholism usually go hand in hand. It sounds like there are a lot of issues there, what is it that makes you stay?

You sound really lovely and I feel for you but I think previous posters are correct in that he has to want the change himself. You are in an unenviable position tbh but you sound switched on and brave.

I have heaps of sympathy for you - all of you. But the situation sounds incredibly unhealthy and you have to think if you can’t fix him, and he won’t get help, can you protect yourself and your children from living in this oppressive environment? Do you talk honestly to your family or friends about how difficult things are?

Divorce, sell up, you'll live fine on half of shitloads and be far, far happier whilst he drinks himself to death out of sight of your children who are already being emotionally harmed by still living with him.

@Shapemyeyebrows 12 large Stella cans in the dustbin tonight. Doesn’t drink or smoke in front of me or kids, except for a glass of wine w dinner. I think he’s ashamed of his issue and if no one sees, did it happen?I haven’t seriously thought about leaving as I love my life. 2 great children, a nice roof over our heads, freedom to work p/t, during busy school term I guess we see relatively little of him. Oh, and every now and again I see the amazing guy I married. I think because he’s given our family so much (materially) I feel the least we can do is try and be here for him? We all love him.. it’s just the evenings like tonight which make me concerned for what we’re modelling to the kids.

complaining he's only good for paying bills.

He’s right there. Given his behaviour the only positive is that the bills are covered. I’m going to be blunt, loving him is not why you stay, you stay because of the creature comforts. Your dysfunctional relationship is a terrible example for your kids.

Take the blinkers off woman and smell the coffee. He doesn’t want to change! You’re stuck because you don’t want the responsibility of financial independence.

The man you married left a long time ago and you won’t be able to move forward if you don’t accept that. Waiting for someone else to change is futile, you can only change you.

He says he likes doing nothing and thinks he's earned that right.

He doesn't. But he's so far down that hole he can't see out. And you're enabling him to do that. Giving him enough company and the shell of normality so he can carry on.

Your only chance, his only chance, is change. You leaving is change.

Well... would you put up with him if he wasn't rich, really?

As she's been married to him for over a decade she's also rich, technically, as she's entitled to half as a starting point, so staying with him for his money is a moot point.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

It’s also not called the ‘family disease’ without good reason either. You’re as affected by his alcoholism almost as much as he is and your kids are affected too, they certainly pick up on what is going on here and it’s no life for them either. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

You’ve stayed to date because of a lifestyle you want to maintain. You think you can reach this man - facts are you cannot and you will not either. In the meantime you continue to carry out your roles here of bring his enabler and codependent spouse. If you truly want to help here you would divorce him. I feel the most for your kids in all this dysfunction because they’re suffering the most here whilst the adults in their lives act primarily in their own self interest. He will continue to drink and you will continue to think you can save/love him better and get him into a rehab facility. He is showing no indication of actually wanting such a place and he is in denial like you are to a certain extent. Alcohol too acts as a depressant and he’s likely to be self medicating.

Unless he himself decides to address his alcoholism of his own accord there is nothing you can do here other than help your own self and tour children by getting your alcoholic out of your day to day lives. Divorce him and sell
up Go to al-Amon meetings, your kids can contact al-ateen.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will not start until you have removed yourself entirely from him.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism, he could go into lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

I think some of the replies are a little harsh but I agree his behaviour is not acceptable.
Does he have any family at all op??
Would you consider any kind of intervention- ie forcing him to rehab of some kind??
Are you willing and prepared to restart counselling? I think you must restart that and keep at it. Then add another element like rehab for him. Could you and the kids go and stay elsewhere for a period of time- would that shock him?
I am not convinced you should walk away and abandon a long and otherwise happy marriage; but agree change is required quite urgently. Best of luck to you xX

Would you consider any kind of intervention- ie forcing him to rehab of some kind??

you can't force someone to accept help with an addiction.

Google adult children of alcoholics - it will show you the long lasting issues this will have on your children.

I'm such a child. My mum wouldn't leave my dad.

Think of your children here. Only he can save himself.

Not harsh, realistic

This man has to want to go to rehab of his own free will, familial coercion to go there and he will certainly see it as such, does not work.

Ditto. It's not worth the big house or the private school, trust me.

OPs marriage has been marred by alcoholism so it’s really no marriage at all. His primary relationship is with drink, not the OP. Advocating the sunk costs fallacy (this idea of abandoning an otherwise long and happy marriage) will not help either.

I think because he’s given our family so much (materially) I feel the least we can do is try and be here for him?

That might be an understandable argument if there were no children involved. As it is you do have children and they have noticed their father's behaviour. They FEAR that if certain things happen he will be angry. Really think about that for a second through the eyes of a child. If you think that a) this won't impact them both now and as they grow older and b) you have any power whatsoever over whether your husband changes, you are lying to yourself.

You need to step up and safeguard your children if their father is unwilling or unable to do so. I would much rather have a lower quality of life but not be constantly exposed to a parent who is passing down a warped view of what it means to be a grown up that will take years in therapy to untangle (and that's if your children have the intelligence to question the situation. I did, but not all do).

Yeah. And get a full time job. Stop any alcohol yourself. Your children will be so much happier.

My dad is an alcoholic. I didn't 'see' it when I was a kid but it has had long lasting impact on both me and my brother. I'm still affected by it now - I'm in my 40s.

For the sake of your children, please leave him. Alcoholism isn't something you can help him with but you can try to help your children from the damage it causes them.