High functioning alcoholic depressed DH, advice wanted

[Lovelifeluminosity]

Married 15+ years, kids x 2 both under 10. First time poster, long time lurker. DH made excellent money 10 years ago, before being made redundant. Enough to see kids thru private school, enough for neither of us to have to work full time, as long as the bottom doesn't fall out of the stock market, as long as inflation doesn't rocket, etc etc. Basically the stuff of dreams and lottery wins. Both of us from humble backgrounds where nothing was wasted or taken for granted. Even writing this down makes me feel ungrateful. Fair enough if you have no sympathy for the rest.

DH is a rollercoaster. I don't know what mood he will be in from one minute to the next. Eggshells everywhere. I do 95% of the kids. I took a part time job 5 years ago so that I didn't kill him. He doesn't leave the house except to buy beer and cigs. He is the life and soul of the party (sometimes) but has no friends. He has no/few hobbies. He has a man cave where he spends his days. He has no routine except to appear for mealtimes. He naps every day. He sleeps badly. He rarely exercises. I have diagnosed him w depression and alcoholism. I have promised to be there for him to help him, we could afford for him to get help but he won't. I've spoken to his GP for advice and passed it all on. We've had counselling re our appalling communication but as soon as it stopped everything reverted to type. He does nothing. We go through months that are ok, then suddenly something isn't and we spend weeks/months on the dark side. The kids say I'm angry. He 'helps' with the house chores and I try to be grateful.

Tonight we tried to play a family game and because he lost and we laughed about it he skulked off to bed at 8pm complaining he's only good for paying bills. He uses this line a lot - like a cry for an ego massage. What example is he for our children? They're already sensitive to his moods 'don't tell daddy he'll be angry'. He says he likes doing nothing and thinks he's earned that right. I live life to the full, every day, I find it hard to relax because there are always a million things to do. He's never been abusive.

I have very supportive friends and family, he doesn't have anyone he is honest with (that I know of). The things that brought us together - our easy going pre kids life of dinners and travel doesn't exist anymore but I love him. How do I reach him? We have no excuses for not having a happy marriage and a healthier relationship to model for our kids. Thanks if you got this far..

It's heartbreaking to think of the lessons your children are learning in this toxic dynamic. Instead of thinking about you, him and the financial side of things, think about them. Really think about how they walk on eggshells and try to navigate dad's moods. Plus it's more kids watching mum hold the family and house together while dad does fuck all. It's a shit environment for them.

@Lovelifeluminosity You say he naps every day and has no routine apart from to appear at meal times and you do 95% of the kids. So if you split up surely your lives could only get better? Am I also right in thinking he doesn’t work now but you live off the money he made years ago if he doesn’t do anything all day? So what does he contribute financially now? He’s also an alcoholic and if he’s drinking that much most days he will eventually go downhill health wise. Are you prepared to be his carer and let your kids live with and watch an alcoholic deteriorate? You say you are living on eggshells so do you not think that will be affecting your kids too? I think one of the biggest thing here is his drinking, don’t underestimate the destruction alcoholism can do.

Thanks @Shapemyeyebrows .. when he’s in a good mood and present, literally and figuratively, he has an excellent sense of humour and is a brilliant dad. Sometimes we have months of this lovely behaviour at a time. I go away for one weekend a year and he seems to love it, him and the kids cook up a storm, he tidies everything up, it’s almost like because I do 95% of kids (and enjoy doing it) I’m not giving him enough responsibility. But he doesn’t like me asking him to do stuff (sounds like I’m his boss, his words) so I don’t! Another way I’m enabling his behaviour I guess.
I’m concerned about his long term health, this has to catch up with him at some point. He seems to be effortlessly fitter and healthier than me so far.

And yes I think you’re all right that I’m enjoying the comfortable status quo which is in existence 87% of the time.

The comment about daddy being angry shocked me, it was light hearted but it was real. And as per what @pillsthrillsandbellyache says- me feeling like I’m holding family and house together (in spite of not paying all the bills), makes me have angry outbursts too, which is obv misdirected rage at their dad….

Very grateful (and shocked) for all the unanimous replies, thank you. I’m going to do more homework.

Your kids aren’t blind, they see how he is. Is this how you want them growing up? And is this your life forever more?

Can he go back to work sounds like he doesn’t have a purpose in life which won’t help with his downward spiral of drinking and depression

I'm going against the grain and I'm not jumping to LTB. He's obviously self medicating his depression but I wouldn't leave him just yet OP. Will he go back to counselling, can he find some meaning in life? His life is missing a purpose. I'd try to help him find it. MN is weird about alcohol and diagnose everyone as being an alcoholic unless you only have a sherry at Christmas. It's obviously problematic but I kinda feel since he has done so much materially for you which is turn has helped you live a lovely life of not working FT and that stress that you do owe it to him to help him figure this out. That isn't a free pass for him to do whatever! Just think it would be worth helping him get to the bottom of this and get some meaning in his life, he's obviously very sad.

Thank you @CattyCattle - this was more the kind of response I was expecting!! But the replies I got were valid and the more I look into effects on children the more glad i am that I asked the question.
Him being in employment / volunteering / being needed I think would change almost everything. He ran a marathon back in the day and stopped drinking. He sees ex colleagues still making £££ and feels like a failure. I’ve tried to get him to try medication for depression as maybe that would be the crutch to stop drinking. Maybe it’s chicken and egg. Yes he will come back to therapy but he wasn’t very good at it. It did however give us both a safe space to speak without the eggshells. I will try and avoid ultimatums but we have a lot of work to do.

Do you notice how your tone regarding your husband changed completely after you were shocked at some of the replies. You then became much more magnanimous about him, which is for your benefit, obviously. It's very difficult to admit that you're in an abusive relationship. I think you were wanting posters to tell you that your marriage isn't "that bad." It's bad, and you have blinders on.

I am very, very sad about the environment your children are living in. It's a fucking nightmare, honestly. There's nothing normal or stable about it. Having a dad who is constantly teetering on the edge of a cliff and a mum who spends her life walking on eggshells is so, so damaging.

How long has he been a wealthy bum?

Do you notice how your tone regarding your husband changed completely after you were shocked at some of the replies. You then became much more magnanimous about him, which is for your benefit, obviously.

This. You described him as a man who hides away, naps and only comes out for mealtimes in your first post. In a later post you describe him as an 'excellent dad'. Spoiler alert, he isnt an 'excellent dad' he is a shit one. I'm imagining your kids sat there seeing it for what it is, cos they always do, while watching on baffled while you frantically try to convince them that their household is a normal healthy one. It isn't. They are going to grow up with a really unhealthy view of relationships. Mum running around sorting everything and dad just appearing for meals. That are cooked for him obviously. Its messed up. Want more for them.

Think long and hard about what you are doing to your children. As the child of an alcoholic father spare your kids the years of therapy that I've had to endure. Having the household revolve around one person and their moods is not an environment in which children will flourish.

I know there will be a lot of upheaval if you leave but the long term benefit for your children surely has to come first? They will see you as the strong woman who got out to protect them as opposed to the person who allowed toxicity to remain in their lives.

My mum is still with my father and nothing has changed. I'm not sure whether your children are male or female but if you do have a daughter/s think about the example that you are setting.

The only positive out of the experience for me is that I grew up knowing that I had to be able to get by financially in life alone. As a result I own my own place with a decent career. I am in a happy relationship but knowing that I can leave at the drop of a hat is the security that I need to feel safe.

Apologies if I made this too much about me but I'd love to be able to spare children having to endure what me and my siblings did. It really is unfair for children to grow up around alcoholism. As you've said they've already started noticing which means it IS affecting them.

Your poor kids. Children don't have the mental capacity to rationalise/contextualise/minimise all this like you're doing, they feel the energy and emotional tone of what's going on and what they'll be sensing is daddy is angry and doesn't want to be with us, mummy doesn't love us enough to keep us safe and a general constant lurking sense that something bad is going to happen and we don't know what might set it off.

It’s not your job to help your alcoholic find some sense of purpose re what Cattycattle wrote. Yet more enabling if you did that. And no CC we on Mn do not diagnose all people as alcoholics unless they only drink one sherry at Christmas either. Where on earth did you get that idea from?.

He also providing material wealth does not at all compensate for the fact he is an alcoholic in denial and his wife the OP here is affected by his alcoholism markedly. I notice you did not mention the kids either, the effects of all this dysfunction on them is incalculable.

OP - What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. An ultimatum can only be issued one time only and you would need to completely follow through on it. If you are not prepared to do that then don’t issue one. In the meantime your kids continue to suffer the most here due to the adults in their lives only considering their self interest.

I think @CattyCattle is well meaning but this situation goes way past “having one sherry at Christmas” He only leaves the house to buy his beer, OP is at the point of checking the bin to count cans (been there, done that) he had 12 cans of Stella on a weekday yet hides his drinking from the family which is most likely why he’s in his man cave all the time and only appears at dinner. I think this has gone past the point of him needing medication for depression, he needs to address his alcoholism. However if this has been ongoing for years and he has been using drink as a crutch this is not going to be a quick fix. And if he has no desire to do anything about it what can you do? In the past I was involved with someone for a few years who was a functioning alcoholic , I didn’t realise they were an alcoholic until we lived together and I only stayed, when I realised the extent, on the understanding he stopped drinking. He did but he was only doing it for me and eventually he had the odd one which turned into more and I realised this would be my life forever and I left him. Counting cans/ bottles in the bin was a low point for me. I now couldn’t imaging letting children live that kind of life with me. It was no life for me never mind children. Your husband needs to want to sort his life out for himself and if he has no desire to do so and you have no desire to leave then your situation will not change for the better, it will only get worse.

Your poor children being brought up in this toxic, dysfunctional household. As the children of an alcoholic they are significantly more likely to be an alcoholic themselves.

If you don’t have enough self worth to consider what you deserve then think about what they deserve (happy, safe household) and work out how you can make it happen.

Like PP, I'm in therapy trying to recover from the damage done by my mum choosing my alcoholic step-father over her own children and failing to protect us from his verbal and emotional abuse. He eventually drank his way through all the money, even stole from our piggy banks to fund his drink before drinking himself to death leaving us in poverty and my mum with a pile of his debt.

As I said previously, you can't fix this. Only he can take the action required. It's not your fault. You can only protect yourself and your children.