i feel guilty for ending my marriage

[petrafrenchie]

its my first time on here but i need advise...

i have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, have 3 kids.
our relationship has always been up and down, but the love we have has always pulled us through everything. He can be the most loving thoughtful person but most of the time he is selfish, unreliable and nasty. i know his behaviour towards me is emotionally abusive, i am aware of this due to my previous relationship being the same but i didnt realise it that time around.

my husband suffers with his mental health, anxiety, paranoia, insecurity. i have always put his needs and wants above my own, i have supported him in every way i possibly could. but over the years of not putting my own needs health first ive become numb and quite cold, this isnt who i am at all and thats what bothers me the most. im not me anymore because of him. ive been worn down , but after losing a few significant family members last year i decided to make a stand, ive got back into work and worked on myself. ive realised life is too short to keep putting him first. i do everything for my children, and i mean everything, he has no input really to the upbringing of our kids, im basically a single mom anyway, i do everything in the house, i organise everything, i plan everything. he works and works hard and earns a good wage, yet i pay everything minus the odd food shop.

the final nail in the coffin came over the weekend and i told him im done, im not happy doing this anymore and i know i deserve more from life. he is distraught and is heartbroken. this kills me, i hate seeing him hurt, i love him so much but i cant carry on the way we are, i get nothing out of our relationship apart from being told he loves me which i believe him.

i know im hurting him making this decision and this is what im struggling with, i feel so guilty it hurts. i know its the right thing to do though because i dont want my children growing up thinking his behaviour is how they should be as they grow up, hes a narcissist. his family aren't there for him and im all the support hes ever had, i feel cruel.

i just want to know if this guilt will ever go away? every time i look at him at the moment its killing me and it doesnt help that we are still in the same house as hes trying to sort money to move out. i know in my heart im doing the right thing for me and our kids but knowing what a vulnerable person he is guilt is swallowing me whole.

Any advise would be so appreciated...

OP sorry you feel this way. But you have said that you deserve better, he’s a narcissist, he’s nasty towards you etc.

You will feel a myriad of emotions of course, you have known this fellow for years, but now you have chosen yourself and stood up for yourself which is commendable. Not just that, you have also shown your kids that it’s ok to have standards even in marriage.

you will feel better with time. His mental health and vulnerability is not your responsibility. He is an adult and also owes it to himself to look after himself. He can be his own support too. If he realises that you’re his main support, why does he treat you in the way he does?! You’re not hurting him, you’re saving yourself from misery and a life of emotional rollercoasters!

thank you!
last year i had to deal with a lot of upset within my family and i realised i had to deal with it all on my own, nothing from him apart from putting me down for not being there for him at that time so all of my emotions have to be turned off to be there for him. ive done this from day one with him so i think its shock to the system but you're right he needs to sort himself out its not my responsibility anymore. he thinks its all because i want someone else, but thats not the case, i want to be me again and know my own worth. both relationships ive had has been me on the bottom of the pile.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Sadly you’ve gone from one abusive relationship into another one, this is not an uncommon scenario. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further damaged by this man now.

What did you learn about relationships from your parents when you were growing up?. What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?

You’re also not a rehab centre for such a badly raised man. He is only distraught and heartbroken that his abuse of you is coming to an end. Do you think he feels guilt for how he has treated you and the kids, no he does not. Read about love bombing, people pleasing and being trauma bonded, these are all likely to have happened to you and I would also suggest counselling for you going forward. The Freedom Programme is well worth looking at and a must do for you. Do also contact Womens Aid, they can and will help too.

My mom and dad are the best most in love couple and have been forever, ive grew up with nothing but support, love, care. My mom has always helped everyone she can, she has such a huge heart and takes everyones problems on, i have undoubtedly stepped into her shoes as im in my early 30’s and i am the support beam that everyone leans on, im happy to do that as i know they puck me up when i need it, my husband however doesn’t.

my friends have said i pick up broken people and try to fix them and now i know you cant fix someone, just step in and take over for them which is what ive done. My previous relationship was horrendous and it took me a long time to get out as i was completely broken down to nothing, i didnt build back up so my husband now turned up and made me feel like he was saving me, he picked me up and i felt amazing, but it didnt last long but i feel like ive always owed it to him.

i know he doesnt care and hes just scared to lise the person he can put down to make himself feel good for a moment, i sort of feel like ive hit a wall and i know i can get over it on my own but not dragging him over it too.

counciling is something i have thought about but didnt really know where to look for ut so thank u for that i will look into it. I want my kids to know that they should never have to go through what i did or to even put their future partners through that.

Indeed you cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works and it’s led you into being abused by these men. These people took advantage of your good nature and exploited it to the max. Counselling for your own self re trying to fix people (you can’t), recognising red flags and raising both your boundaries and relationship bat a lot higher will help you no end.

I think Women Who Love Too Much may be an interesting read for you.

Odd as it seems: being endlessly giving is a character defect. It has led you into 2 abusive relationships. It isn’t good for the people on the receiving end of the endless giving either. It creates a really unhealthy co-dependency. A relationship between 2 adults should involve give and take on both sides - what you describe having with your friends; it was wrong and a mistake on your part to always put him first. That’s incredibly unhealthy. For you. And for him: he’s been allowed to behave badly for years instead of being made to face the consequences. Fortunately he’s facing consequences now. Good for you for standing your ground. It’s so important you keep him gone. It sets a really good example for your DCs.

You say you don’t want someone else. But in all honesty, why wouldn’t you? He brings nothing to the relationship as far as I can see. But you’re right that it’s far better to spend time single for now.

You will feel guilty because you’re a loving person and you’re used to looking after him. But the guilt is misplaced. You are right to move on. Keep letting your head lead at the moment. It’s what you need to do.

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @Dery giving great advice as usual.

I will have to pick up that book too @Dery.

Husband and I have been blessed with a great loving relationship and it makes me nervous to read of women like the OP ending up with two selfish pricks despite loving modelling.

Any other advice on reading material grateful received.😁

OP, stop thinking about him and save your compassion for the three children he neither parents nor pays for.

He's an utter loser and life can only get better for you and your children.

if it makes you feel any better - he will be better of on his own. Your current set-up enables him to never do any work on himself, to never improve and it will just make things worse for him because he will live and die an anxious, paranoid and with no meaningful relationships (including the ones with his children).

You're not only wasting your life and harming yourself and your kids in the process - you're allowing him to just get worse

Thank you all for lightening the load! I am going to seek the help i need to recognise where I’ve gone wrong because i understand I’ve enabled his behaviour and made a rod for my own back. Im sort of so used to the way ive been treated all of my adult life that i dont really know how to spot it early on (clearly lol)
i actually sit and explain to my kids if they have seen an argument or manipulative behaviour that this isnt how u should treat or be treated, but i know this isnt good enough for them as they have no examples from us to show them what is right. I want and need to work on this for their sake. Im so grateful for the advise and words you’ve all given me, I’m going to be putting myself first from now on 😊

Stay strong, you won't feel like this forever. I left my DP recently and he was and is completely devastated. It was very tough to see. But he's already started to come through it and I've no doubt he will start dating soon. It won't be like this forever, he will be fine, and you will fly! You are a role model to your children.

thats what it is i hate seeing him vulnerable but as someone earlier said he didnt and doesnt care when its the other way round, and as you said i think he’ll be straight out there finding someone else, tbh ive hoped for a while he would just come back and say he’d found someone else so he could feel like its me hurt and hes on top for an easy lufe but i feel the biggest mug ever thinking that now when i could have just done what I’ve done now. Thats all i want is for my children to see u dont have to stay in a shitty situation

If you pay for all of the household expenses why are waiting for him to sort things out so that he can move?

Because i dont want to see my kids dad with nothing and nowhere to go, whatever hes done, noone deserves to have nowhere to go.

I dont think this is true - he definitely deserves everything that is coming his way. In fact, with no expenses up until this point and a well-paying job he may well move out into temporary accommodation and then finally sort his shit out.

just cut that rope, he's a grown man, but it seems like entitlement and using others for his own gain are the only skills he has managed to develop. time for him to wipe his own butt

Yes he does, but by his own hand not mine, its me that will have to answer to my kids when they ask why their dad hasn’t got a home they can go to see him. I honestly wouldnt be able to sleep at night. My grandad had always told me growing up that there are unkind people in the world but you dont have to lower yourself to them, just step over and carry in walking, and ive made that first step and i will carry in moving, hopefully dropping the emotions as i go 😊

You might be waiting a while then as this is what Narcissists do. All these tears etc are just part of the big act. They only care about themselves and do not like being challenged so prepare for some uncomfortable exchanges going forward. You really have to be tough in these situations. Give him a deadline.

I didnt think to give him a deadline, that would give us a finishing line then i suppose. I dont think he can say anything or do anything he hasnt already. I dont give him any reaction anymore and havent for a good few months which i think is why it came to a head the weekend, he has seen many times now that he doesnt phase me with his words or actions, i do feel sorry for him but never infront of him anymore. I read it somewhere a few months back about not reacting in any way and was shocked how quickly it worked with him just walking away from me rather that going full tilt. Im in the right frame of mind to follow through with everything now even though i feel awful inside

I was in your exact situation until last April when my husband stormed out and I found the strength to never let him back in. You’ve been so strong to do what you’ve done. I realised that I was only still there because I felt sorry for him or was terrified he’d do something stupid and the kids would be effected. But I was enabling him, and ruining my life (and the kids) in the process. The dynamic was more like parent and child than partners, and when he was so broken I used to have a wobble about the whole thing but I couldn’t let myself get back into that role. I didn’t have enough anger for how he treated me either and once that came it was easier. The relief you feel once he’s gone will be refreshing and you won’t want to go back to that dark place again! You’re showing your kids the right things and making positive change.

i’m so glad i wrote on here, the advise and the comments have gave me the boost to know I’m doing the right thing, it really is taking a weight off me. To know there are other peoplewho come out of it all the other side so much better off because they didnt back down is amazing.

thank you.

He would leave you in a heartbeat if he thought it would be better for him I guarantee

well hes selfish enough so yes you’re probably right, hes told me not long ago he was going to leave anyway, think thats just so he feels he has upper hand though. I know how he works and if he feels like hes above everyone hes fine. I actually feel less guilty the more i say these things out loud (or said on here)

if your kids ask then just tell them "i dont know, i dont think he sorted anything out yet"

also he can take them out in public to see them

side note - my ex was like that. he turned out completely fine because his parasitic nature helped him through...your husband will soon find another person to support him, he'll be fine

I felt incredibly guilty at ending my marriage to my anxiety and depression ridden husband. He had no job and no income and I supported him financially for 6 months after we split whilst he got on his feet. It’s 5 years on and he is working, has a house but is still the man I divorced (deeply unhappy with his life). I still feel some lingering guilt (despite the fact that DD agrees that we are happier this way). You’ll get through, just stick to your guns. He is a grown adult and not your responsibility to look after.

The guilt will start to go away when the anger sets in.

At the moment you still see this as a decision you have made when really it isn’t, it’s a decision he made a thousand times when he failed to be a decent and supportive partner.

It’s never nice to see someone hurting, even when they have done us wrong we rarely want to see someone suffer. You will have to just get your head down and plough on, I will almost guarantee that when he realises you are serious and this is the end, the nasty side will appear and he will start to cause you all sorts of problems. Then your guilt will fly out the window and you’ll be consumed with utter rage and contempt for him. Happy days!!!

good luck OP, stick with it, you’ll be alright!

We had a quick few words in passing last night and hes said that he needs to hate me to get over me so hes already trying to turn the tables about all the hurtful things ive said to him (that hes never gave me support, I’ve carried him and his issues through our whole relationship and got nothing in return) i know his nastiness will come out at some point and while its not nice i can deal with it, he actuality cant hurt me anymore as hes said everything he possibly can to me before, nothing new, im so determined to get through this now because i want that for me and my kids.
i wish he was my person but i know hes not.