i feel guilty for ending my marriage

[petrafrenchie]

its my first time on here but i need advise...

i have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, have 3 kids.
our relationship has always been up and down, but the love we have has always pulled us through everything. He can be the most loving thoughtful person but most of the time he is selfish, unreliable and nasty. i know his behaviour towards me is emotionally abusive, i am aware of this due to my previous relationship being the same but i didnt realise it that time around.

my husband suffers with his mental health, anxiety, paranoia, insecurity. i have always put his needs and wants above my own, i have supported him in every way i possibly could. but over the years of not putting my own needs health first ive become numb and quite cold, this isnt who i am at all and thats what bothers me the most. im not me anymore because of him. ive been worn down , but after losing a few significant family members last year i decided to make a stand, ive got back into work and worked on myself. ive realised life is too short to keep putting him first. i do everything for my children, and i mean everything, he has no input really to the upbringing of our kids, im basically a single mom anyway, i do everything in the house, i organise everything, i plan everything. he works and works hard and earns a good wage, yet i pay everything minus the odd food shop.

the final nail in the coffin came over the weekend and i told him im done, im not happy doing this anymore and i know i deserve more from life. he is distraught and is heartbroken. this kills me, i hate seeing him hurt, i love him so much but i cant carry on the way we are, i get nothing out of our relationship apart from being told he loves me which i believe him.

i know im hurting him making this decision and this is what im struggling with, i feel so guilty it hurts. i know its the right thing to do though because i dont want my children growing up thinking his behaviour is how they should be as they grow up, hes a narcissist. his family aren't there for him and im all the support hes ever had, i feel cruel.

i just want to know if this guilt will ever go away? every time i look at him at the moment its killing me and it doesnt help that we are still in the same house as hes trying to sort money to move out. i know in my heart im doing the right thing for me and our kids but knowing what a vulnerable person he is guilt is swallowing me whole.

Any advise would be so appreciated...

you should have made it easier for him and asked him to hurry up and maybe move out... if he needs to hate you, help him out one last time

he is obviously buying time, bullshitting and guilt-tripping you. dont let him get into your head

Hes finding somewhere to live next week, hes said he needs it for himself aswell and doesn’t want the kids to suffer, maybe he wanted this anyway and he just hadn’t got the balls to make the step

what does it mean exactly? that he has found somewhere from next week onwards, booked viewings for next week or only intends to start looking on rightmove from next week?

be very careful with how he words things...

Hes staying at his cousins from the weekend until he finds his own place, im shocked with how smoothly its going tbh, he said at least i can drop kids to him there, he said he knows hes hurt me and wants to change but he knows he can only do that for himself now as he knows in his heart im done. Its the first time hes heard me and not just listened

Congratulations on taking this huge step. I know 100% how you're feeling because I felt it too. I'm separated almost a couple of years now and I can honestly say, even after losing both my parents and other close relatives, separating from my ex caused me the most hurt and pain I've ever felt in my life. I had the best parents, like yours, they were together for 60 years and as is love as the day they met. I felt guilt over how disappointed they would be in me, guilt over my children coming from a "broken" home and guilt over how I hurt my ex. Sometimes the hurt and guilt was so bad I didn't even feel like I deserved to be a mother. My ex was like yours, once things were going his way he was happy. If they weren't it was hell and I constantly walked on egg shells for fear of being criticised or put down for not being able to do things properly or not having a clue about anything - his words. Since leaving I have come to realise that I'm still the brave and well capable person I was before I met him but I doubted myself so much because of all the criticism and put downs over the years. He could also be a very kind and funny person and a good dad but I did the majority of looking after our kids and he did absolutely nothing around the house. Never. Ever. He would sit snd watch me while I cooked his dinner! He made my life an absolute hell during the separation. Acting like an angel to his family and mine about how he couldn't bare to be without me and behind closed doors being so cruel to me. I was like a prisoner in my own home. He was keeping actual notes on everything I did and everywhere I went. I think he had people convinced I was an unfit mother with a drink problem!! And I still felt guilty about hurting him! It tore me to pieces and then one evening after all the "heartbreak" I put him through he told me he had met someone else! It was like you flicked a switch and he never bothered me again. Now he still has to have to upper hand in everything when it comes to the kids but slowly and surely the guilt is becoming less and less. It will take a while and only because if you're like me you don't like seeing people hurt. Be proud that you've made this decision. You will see from his behaviour during the separation that you made the right one. The emotional abuse is horrific but you will come out stronger in the end with happy children. There will be tough times, no point in pretending there won't be but keep telling yourself you did the right thing and talk to people don't keep it all bottled up . Talking is a great help something I've also learned since leaving my ex. Best of luck x

Lill1e thank u so much, its been a bad day today i think its because it’s actually happening, but honestly reading that has made my day, u made it and you’re still making it! Good on you, and im glad someone seems to be the same as me, ive been reading so much and trauma bonding is what i keep coming back to, i just really hope i can get out of this mindset at some point as thats all ive really known for myself. I kind i wish he had been as vile as he usually is as it makes it easier but hes been agreeing with what ive said, praising me as a mom for making the decision, its giving him the push he needed to sort himself out so he can be a better person, seriously nothing but nice positive things coming out of his mouth. Thats whats made today hard, just not our usual outcome. I don’t actually know how to respond or cope with this as im used to the opposite, i think im broken lmao

@petrafrenchie it sounds like he has a "plan" to make you feel guilty and maybe change your mind. My ex tried all that too. He promised the earth, everything I had been begging for for years but I know now if I had given in they would have all fallen through like they always did. If you are sure about your decision, stick to your guns. Be confident and show him you are a strong capable woman who won't be manipulated or gaslit. I feel for you so much because your story is so similar to mine. I know when I look at my kids that I made the right decision. They are such happy kids now and I'm a happy mom. They didn't even get a shock when we broke up. Also be careful about what he is saying to your kids. My ex told mine that I didn't want to be part of their family anymore and he was doing everything to keep the family together. Kids know though they sense the bad environment and I honestly have never seen my kids happier. They are doing better in school than they ever did. I think deep down that gets to my ex and his family. Lately also I have been taking them for him when he is supposed to have them as he's away with new girlfriend. She comes first all the time but I don't say that to the kids as they do love their dad and want to see him but I can see lt myself. Don't beat yourself up, be proud and happy for you and your children. Life is so short. Don't have regrets. You're doing great 💗

I have already thought its just a manipulation thing tbh and it most likely is, but if not hes going to be ok if he sorts himself and maybe wont make the same mistakes with his next victim lol. My kids have all told me that they feel relieved that we’re done because they hate seeing me upset and thry can see what hes doing, they live him but they really do t stand for his shit, my daughter is amazing she pulls him up for everything so i know she will be ok in the future she holds no prisoners! This did cause arguments between me and him because he felt singled out when we were ‘as bad as each other’ yet she always pucks at him, i cant not defend her because she is right. I feel awful that id stayed so long and put them through everything, that falls firmly on my shoulders and thats why i want to make things right, they still have a fair few years at home before thry go off into the world and i want thrm to have good memories and know that home is safe and always will be, but through their younger years u think u hid everything and the conversations we’ve had the past few days has shown me thry know more than i thought. Its eased my guilt for him but built it up for tgem, all i can do is try and make it right now and for the rest of time.

it only goes to show how much of a failure he is if people who are literally pre-disposed to love him, his children, are happy for him to leave.

and I agree that he is being nice now because he feels the heat - anyone can behave themselves for few days, but if he cared he would have done it ages ago

OP, i mean this very kindly, but the minute you get out, get those children into a family therapy setting, no matter what.

They have major shit to process and the best thing you can do is acknowledge that and give them the space to do it.

This will be the grewtest gift you can give them.
Ahead of EVERYTHING.
Ahead of pizza, holidays, treats, you name it.
Give them the opportunity to heal and have the best future.
Organise it.
Be nonchalant about it.
This is a no brainer.

Shit happens to everyone.

It's how we deal with it, process it, .....that can define our future lives.

Wishing you well.

Yes 100% hes not consistent so nothing ever lasts and like u said they should see the good in him but they dont, and billy1966 i didnt think about that, im sorting therapy for me but didnt really think that route for them but thats a great idea! I’ll make sure thry come out of this good.

thank you all i never thought I’d get as much support as this, it’s appreciated so much!!!

@petrafrenchie hi, your situation sounds similar to mine, except I've not made the final decision yet (well as you'll see below, I did, but then got pulled back in).

Someone on here recommended this book to me. I downloaded a free sample first as it's a tenner to buy, but very quickly bought it:

'Too good to leave, to bad to stay' by Mira Kirshembaum.

I did say I'd had enough about 6 months ago and moved into the spare room as I didn't have anywhere to go and finances are tight (is an understatement). Like you, he was distraught and i really struggled with watching his pain (with us both being in the same house, I couldn't escape it), so eventually I put him first, again, and said I'd give it another go, although I know my hearts not in it. If I'd been able to move out when I made that decision, it would still be over now, and I know I'd be happy.

I hope you're doing OK and everything works out for you x