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Original poster

On Again Off Again

40 replies

Fairydream567 · 24/07/2023 23:02

I’ll keep this brief, connected with a man from a dating app over a year ago now and have a fantastic connection, love chatting to him. We will talk loads and everything is fine but suddenly he will ghost for days/ weeks/ months at a time. Often it will be when we plan to meet, he will arrange to meet then will get cold feet and this will trigger a new round of ghosting. He’s not a catfish and doesn’t have a gf/wife before anyone suggests it. He is single but I think there’s some MH issues there that he’s touched upon in convo and very low confidence and self esteem as well. He’s recently done it again and when I’ve confronted him about ghosting he blocked me. Has anyone had any experience of anything like this or any insight of what to make of the entire thing?

OP posts:
CatchHimDerry · 24/07/2023 23:08

How are you certain no gf/ wife as that’s definitely what I’d be thinking.

At very least playing the field and exploring other options.

without fail when I’ve had ones like this, there is somebody else involved somewhere along the line.
Always.
There is simply no excuse for “ghosting” and blocking, even mental health.

Also the “connection” can’t be that amazing, or he wouldn’t do it.
sorry if that sounds harsh, OP, but I promise you. Been there done that and got the t-shirt more times that I care to admit.

When you do find that right one, they simply won’t behave this way.

Original poster
Fairydream567 · 24/07/2023 23:19

He lives with his mum. He’s been single a long time and doesn’t date at all (so he says). He goes on dating apps, gets a few matches, chats for a bit and then it fizzles out as he doesn’t meet.

Yeah I agree. Definitely not “the one” or my soulmate as we would be together if that was the case by this point. Just do wonder how common this sort of behaviour is.

Never had he blocked me before so not sure if I’ll hear from him again or if he will pop up again at some point like he usually does.

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 24/07/2023 23:25

It’s very common amongst men who want validation and attention on their own terms. When he ghosts you it’s likely because a shiny new attention giver is meeting his needs.

When that fizzles out through his complacency and he needs a boost, it’s back to you. He’s blocked you because you’ve made him feel bad instead of good.

He’ll unblock you and give you the guilt trip after a few weeks and expect you to be available and grateful.

And he it’s likely he is dating people off the apps - he’s just not dating you.

Don’t waste a second more of your life on him - anyone who could treat you like this doesn’t deserve your time.

Seaoftroubles · 24/07/2023 23:26

His Mum is probably his wife or g/f. If not he's just a timewaster. I'd block him back so he can't pop up again, he doesn't deserve your attention if that's how he behaves.

pastypirate · 24/07/2023 23:34

So you haven't met him in person???

samestyle · 24/07/2023 23:34

I'd stop bothering when he pops up again, he's not interested other than attention now and again. You deserve more than this flaky bread crumbing, take no nonsense from men like this.

Original poster
Fairydream567 · 24/07/2023 23:45

Dunno my gut feeling is that he genuinely isn’t dating anyone but I think he definitely collects numbers and chats to different women for validation.

The whole thing seems like a very poor use of time - why convince someone you’re interested if you’re not, and why make plans you don’t intend to show up to? It’s very strange and I can’t get my head around it.

Blocking feels very final to me. If I block someone they stay blocked forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairydream567 · 24/07/2023 23:46

pastypirate · 24/07/2023 23:34

So you haven't met him in person???

Nope! Never met in person. Have made plans to 3/4 times now and he’s never once followed through.

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 25/07/2023 00:10

If you’ve been chatting for a year and never met because he’s bailed 3 or 4 times - he’s attached. That’s not his mum he lives with. He’s a bored married man getting his jollies from stringing women along. Block him back and leave him to his sad games.

Original poster
Fairydream567 · 25/07/2023 00:12

Over40Overdating · 25/07/2023 00:10

If you’ve been chatting for a year and never met because he’s bailed 3 or 4 times - he’s attached. That’s not his mum he lives with. He’s a bored married man getting his jollies from stringing women along. Block him back and leave him to his sad games.

That would be a plausible explanation but he 100% isn’t married or in a relationship. He’s definitely single.

OP posts:
Zoomie1 · 25/07/2023 00:17

How do you know he is definitely single? I bet my bottom dollar this man is married or has a girlfriend. Either way sorry to say he isn't going to go there with you. Find someone better and stop making excuses for his behaviours.

AubadeIsIt · 25/07/2023 00:21

Why are you wasting your time trying to understand this? For your own sake, move on. Someone is out there to meet in person who won't waste your time.

Original poster
Fairydream567 · 25/07/2023 00:23

Zoomie1 · 25/07/2023 00:17

How do you know he is definitely single? I bet my bottom dollar this man is married or has a girlfriend. Either way sorry to say he isn't going to go there with you. Find someone better and stop making excuses for his behaviours.

We’d talk on the phone a lot and video call from his bedroom in the evenings / mornings when he woke up. He definitely was living with his mum in his childhood bedroom

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 25/07/2023 00:34

“Has anyone had any experience of anything like this or any insight of what to make of the entire thing?”

Yes. I’ve been on the receiving end of behaviour like this.

What I eventually made of it was, he liked the idea that I was keen on him, that he wasn’t actually ready to date and was simply playing peek-a-boo with his feelings/dipping a toe in the water then literally getting cold feet and running away. I don’t think he was doing it out of malice or intentionally playing any games with me.

In the end I decided enough was enough and the next time he ran off and came back again I just let him know that as lovely as he was, it wasn’t working for me and I needed to call time on our chats. Cue a bit of waffling from him about lets meet on Friday and talk it through, he can explain better in person, blah, whatever. Friday never happened. He went radio silent on me again. Messaged me again apologising. My final message was “I’ve heard it all before, what I said before still stands, I’m looking for something more than you can give me so this is a final goodbye”.

I didn’t block him but I did ignore the couple of messages he sent after that. Strangely, they gave me the ick and I stopped feeling bad for ignoring him and I stopped wishing he could be Mr Right. Clearly he wasn’t, despite us getting on really well in a penpal sort of way.

I’m guessing you’ll reach a point where you’ll get sick of it too and even if he unblocks you and gets in touch you’ll be like “yeah, whatever, yawn, bye”.

Original poster
Fairydream567 · 25/07/2023 00:47

DatingDinosaur · 25/07/2023 00:34

“Has anyone had any experience of anything like this or any insight of what to make of the entire thing?”

Yes. I’ve been on the receiving end of behaviour like this.

What I eventually made of it was, he liked the idea that I was keen on him, that he wasn’t actually ready to date and was simply playing peek-a-boo with his feelings/dipping a toe in the water then literally getting cold feet and running away. I don’t think he was doing it out of malice or intentionally playing any games with me.

In the end I decided enough was enough and the next time he ran off and came back again I just let him know that as lovely as he was, it wasn’t working for me and I needed to call time on our chats. Cue a bit of waffling from him about lets meet on Friday and talk it through, he can explain better in person, blah, whatever. Friday never happened. He went radio silent on me again. Messaged me again apologising. My final message was “I’ve heard it all before, what I said before still stands, I’m looking for something more than you can give me so this is a final goodbye”.

I didn’t block him but I did ignore the couple of messages he sent after that. Strangely, they gave me the ick and I stopped feeling bad for ignoring him and I stopped wishing he could be Mr Right. Clearly he wasn’t, despite us getting on really well in a penpal sort of way.

I’m guessing you’ll reach a point where you’ll get sick of it too and even if he unblocks you and gets in touch you’ll be like “yeah, whatever, yawn, bye”.

I find this resonates with the situation more. I’ve not felt he’s meant any harm or that he’s lying or hiding things about his life. He’s been quite open about his life even stuff i would probably be embarrassed to share. He’s expressed a lot of confusion and seems a bit back and forth mentally on whether he’s ready to start something or not. Sometimes he thinks he is then seems to get cold feet and back out. Although him being so quick to block me instead of communicating obviously highlighted how little he actually was invested despite claiming that he really likes and cares about me!

OP posts:
CallieQ · 25/07/2023 00:55

Sounds weird... LTB

DatingDinosaur · 25/07/2023 01:05

I have to admit, if “my” guy had blocked me that would have been it. He could have come back and grovelled and apologised all he liked - I’d have told him to shove it.

Top and bottom of it is, if you’re looking for more than a penpal situation, then this guy isn’t the one for you. You’ve never met but been chatting for a year. How long are you willing to wait for him to buck his ideas up? And why does he get to call the shots on how your love life pans out?

Original poster
Fairydream567 · 25/07/2023 01:12

CallieQ · 25/07/2023 00:55

Sounds weird... LTB

You’re right!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairydream567 · 25/07/2023 01:14

DatingDinosaur · 25/07/2023 01:05

I have to admit, if “my” guy had blocked me that would have been it. He could have come back and grovelled and apologised all he liked - I’d have told him to shove it.

Top and bottom of it is, if you’re looking for more than a penpal situation, then this guy isn’t the one for you. You’ve never met but been chatting for a year. How long are you willing to wait for him to buck his ideas up? And why does he get to call the shots on how your love life pans out?

Absolutely. Blocking is so petty. Usually whenever he would ghost I wouldn’t put up a fight and would just leave it at that, but this time I got angry and confronted him when he wasn’t replying to my messages, and sent him a few more calling him out. He was thoroughly unimpressed, denied that he had been ignoring, just busy and blocked. Perhaps he has convinced himself I’m a psycho in this situation for finally having enough and refusing to sit back in silence.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 25/07/2023 01:22

Nah, it sounds like he doesn't know how to handle conflict/confrontation so in his mind, he was taking back control by blocking you. The digital version of flouncing out and slamming the door behind him. Very mature.

strongcupofTea · 25/07/2023 01:28

Maybe when he FaceTimes you from his childhood bedroom it's because his wife's kicked him out and he's staying with his mummy.

MLMsuperfan · 25/07/2023 01:34

I can't imagine having a romantic relationship with someone that I've never met in person. Maybe I'm behind the times.

Original poster
Fairydream567 · 25/07/2023 01:36

DatingDinosaur · 25/07/2023 01:22

Nah, it sounds like he doesn't know how to handle conflict/confrontation so in his mind, he was taking back control by blocking you. The digital version of flouncing out and slamming the door behind him. Very mature.

Love this analogy! I definitely think you’re right. I have told him off before in the past, usually when he’s come back grovelling after a round of ghosting. Usually when I tell him off he doesn’t argue back at all he either ignores it or says “I dunno” and tries to act like nothing has happened. He doesn’t know how to respond to any type of conflict or how to resolve things in a healthy way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairydream567 · 25/07/2023 01:37

MLMsuperfan · 25/07/2023 01:34

I can't imagine having a romantic relationship with someone that I've never met in person. Maybe I'm behind the times.

Wish I was behind in the times

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2023 01:40

You don't know anything about this man and your bar is so low it's currently underneath the floor. Why the fuck are you allowing this man to jerk you around like this? FFS, get some self-respect.

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