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Original poster

How to get partner to move out

40 replies

LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 09:35

We have been together for 6 years. Lived together for 4 and have a 2 year old daughter

Firstly Il admit Iv picked a wrong one, I take responsibility for my bad choice.

Basically 3 months ago I told him it was over and to move out but hes not leaving. The issue is that anytime I try and approach the subject no matter how calm or how much sense I’m talking he gets shouty/ verbally abusive/ damages things/ threatens suicide and I end up just taking our daughter out in pram to get us out the situation so she doesn’t see it. I will admit I am a bit frightened of this behaviour.

Honestly there’s so much I could write but I will keep to the facts, i own the house, pay all the bills, buy the food, do all the housework but he does the majority of childcare as I work in hospitality 4 evenings a week. So that’s flung in my face a lot as “he’s stuck to watch the kid” and “I’d be fucked if he wasn’t here to watch her”.

So how to I get him out? No matter of asking or being firm works….and I know if I changed the locks he would full on break down the door. If it was just me in the house fair enough id call the police but I tip toe about him to save my daughter seeing everything. Trying to do best for her by getting him to go, but also trying to do best by her and not let her witness violence. It’s a lose lose situation.

Advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/07/2023 09:40

Sorry, but you need to get tough. You should have called the police on him already when he was being violent. When he leaves, change the locks, put his things outside and notify the police that you are concerned there may be trouble. If you can have your daughter stay the night with friends or family, arrange that. If he kicks off in any way upon his return, call the police immediately. You need to get him out, now.

lucylooareyou · 24/07/2023 09:42

Can you get someone to look after your LO, get a male friend/family member over for support and change the locks whilst hes out?

Pack his things, change the locks and prepare for the fall out.

HappyJoyousFree · 24/07/2023 09:42

Contact your local domestic abuse service for support as a start and get some wheels in motion. They can help with how to apply for non molestation orders and other practical things. I would also consider logging any incidents with the police. Give him a date to be out by if that makes you feel more comfortable and if he refuses to leave contact police.

In terms of your daughter yes it probably would be scary if he tried to break down the door - for both of you- but call the police. It will ultimately have a bigger impact with her living in a home where there's arguing/shouting/name-calling etc. Don't blame yourself for picking 'a wrong un' plenty have been there and if they all started off as idiots we wouldn't choose them! You've realised there's a problem and want to end the relationship. You have a right to make that decision if you're unhappy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2023 09:43

What’s your plan for childcare once he’s gone?

cstaff · 24/07/2023 09:47

Call the cops OP or if you have any brothers or male / large ( more intimidating) friends who could be there when you ask. And if he throws the "looking after his own child" in your face, make sure that you let him know that this is his own kid that he is talking about. What a waste of space.

Change the locks and let someone, either a friend or the cops know that it is serious possibility that he will try to break in.

AgentJohnson · 24/07/2023 09:58

You call Police and tell them that your Ex is threatening violence and you’d like him removed from your home.

fancifulmanciful · 24/07/2023 10:01

Well the simple answer is you change the locks while he's out but the fallout is the real problem.

What's he going to be like with access/what are you going to offer? This is the thing where either side can cause real damage, so this would be my main concern.

But other than that you just get the locks changed while he's out and then that's that. He's out.

Original poster
LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 10:23

Thanks for the replies I really do appreciate them

I do have to get tougher, It’s not as if I sit there and cower in a corner I am firm but realistically it’s a 30 year old man screaming at me, punching doors and having a full on meltdown like a toddler that I know won’t calm down so I get us out.

A couple of you have hit the nail on the head about the fall out comments…..it’s completely that I’m scared of the fallout. Iv been a normal person trying to break off a relationship in an adult way and that’s not cutting it.

As for access and childcare, she does love her dad and he is capable of looking after her. It’s just to me when he’s not getting his own way that he goes ballistic. Ideally if he could take her one full day and night a week I could consolidate two shifts together and a family member could watch her another evening to fit in a third shift. We would survive, not thrive but we would live in a peaceful house.

OP posts:
fancifulmanciful · 24/07/2023 10:51

As someone who did lock the doors and then deal with access I can tell you the other side is wonderful.

A really peaceful, clean, non-argumentative house, a happy mummy, and a child who starts getting two of everything they love.

You've already told him it's over, he's being really unreasonable to just ignore it, it's completely disregarding your agency and saying your decision isn't final or valid.

DustyLee123 · 24/07/2023 10:54

Change the locks. Call the police if he kicks off.

DustyLee123 · 24/07/2023 10:55

And don’t be blackmailed by his threats of suicide.

reluctantadmissions · 24/07/2023 11:03

Hi op. Above advice about calling police is correct and I would urge you to do so. Especially at the times he kicks off. Rather than you leaving the house, call police and keep the line open which will hopefully encourage him to leave.

However, if you really can't see yourself calling police you can also self refer to the NCDV (National Centre for Domestic Violence) who can assist you in applying for an emergency non molestation order, occupational order and/or prohibitive steps order. These orders are dry to protect the person, locations and child contact and could be very useful in your circumstances. Be warned though that if you don't qualify for legal aid you may need to pay. I don't know what area you live in but you may find other DA charities that could assist you in applying for those orders. Again if you do work with police they will have updated safeguarding agencies that can help you.

ZekeZeke · 24/07/2023 12:52

Who owns the house?
If you rent, who's name is on the rental.agreement?

BMW6 · 24/07/2023 13:13

So you're not married, you own the house and he doesn't work and contribute to bills?

Well I can see why he won't leave!!!

Fact is he has no right to stay if he's a guest in your house.
He's outstayed his welcome. He gets out now and if he refuses you call the Police. Have at least one strong adult with you when you confront him. Call police in front of him so they can hear if he kicks off.

He's not going to go quietly is he - why would he?
You may as well bite the bullet otherwise you're lumbered with him forever.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 24/07/2023 13:15

He isn't a good df allowing her to witness violent outbursts...

Pinkbonbon · 24/07/2023 13:39

Absolutely police.
Breaking your things?! Getting violent in a home where your child is?! Police.

Change the locks once he is gone ASAP.

Drop his stuff round his families place (if that's not where he goes) or post it to him recorded delivery.

If he threatens suicide by text, you dont reply. If you want you can call the non emergency police people and report it. Tell them it's probably a manipulative bluff but you just felt someone aught to know. They might decide to send an ambulance. He'll soon stop wasting your time when he gets done for wasting their time.

It's abuse pure and simple and you need to get him out and see about a non molestation order ASAP.

Speak with women's aid for advice.
And read up on 'the narcissist smear campaign' (plenty of YouTube videos on it) so you can look out for his next steps.

If the kid is his, get any proof of income from him before he goes. And pursue child support ASAP.

CakeyBakeyHeart · 24/07/2023 14:48

I don’t condone the following unacceptable behaviour on his part ‘gets shouty/ verbally abusive/ damages things/ threatens suicide’ but you don’t mention any such behaviour from before asking him to move out, and let’s just imagine the situation in reverse to see why he might be upset:

Mum lives with wealthier man and had child with him. Man no longer wants to be with her and asks her to leave, but not just that, despite her doing the majority of childcare (therefore arguably the primary care giver) he has also appointed himself the custody judge and is asking her to leave without her daughter.

Some more detail would be good regarding whether this post kick out announcement behaviour is in keeping with past behaviour, and has he been contributing towards the mortgage for the last four years?

Original poster
LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 14:56

This advice is what I need, and again thanks 🙏🏻

It’s really spurring me on to just get him gone and get to the other side.

@BMW6 you are right he would stay forever as a free loader! He does work, but from day one that he moved in it been a struggle for me to get him consistently chip in for bills. Every month me “nagging”for him to pay half was so draining I guess I just gave up a couple years in. He never seems to have any money ironically but orders a takeaway every night I’m at work and spends a lot on his sporting hobby. I do feel quite ashamed and feel foolish but I’m aware and trying to get him to leave.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 24/07/2023 15:00

Change the locks. Pack his things. Get someone to watch the baby if you can and prepare for the fall out.
Call the police when he starts kicking the door in and have him removed.
Have a plan for childcare once he’s gone as he will either refuse to spite you. Or potentially start behaving erratically/violently with her next

Original poster
LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 15:05

@Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets Yep you are right and I 100% know that and I would never call him a good dad hence why I said capable. He seems like a good dad to her a 2 year old I suppose.

OP posts:
Miscellaneousme · 24/07/2023 15:12

Report his behaviour to the police and contact women’s aid for some advice/support. Have the locks changed. The threatening suicide and meltdown behaviour is classic abuse. Can you discuss the issue with your employer if they are supportive, and try to make a plan around flexible working and childcare in the short term, perhaps long term look for another job?

tescocreditcard · 24/07/2023 15:24

Just give him 48 hours notice to leave and if he hasn't gone call the police and get him removed.

Dearly89 · 24/07/2023 15:25

Police

Ladyj84 · 24/07/2023 15:26

Pretty simple you call the police say you've tried to remove this person and you want them out of the property, they will then come and remove him and you can arrange collection of his stuff at a later date

babayhaga · 24/07/2023 15:27

Title should be renamed "how to get ex to move out" lol