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Original poster

How to get partner to move out

40 replies

LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 09:35

We have been together for 6 years. Lived together for 4 and have a 2 year old daughter

Firstly Il admit Iv picked a wrong one, I take responsibility for my bad choice.

Basically 3 months ago I told him it was over and to move out but hes not leaving. The issue is that anytime I try and approach the subject no matter how calm or how much sense I’m talking he gets shouty/ verbally abusive/ damages things/ threatens suicide and I end up just taking our daughter out in pram to get us out the situation so she doesn’t see it. I will admit I am a bit frightened of this behaviour.

Honestly there’s so much I could write but I will keep to the facts, i own the house, pay all the bills, buy the food, do all the housework but he does the majority of childcare as I work in hospitality 4 evenings a week. So that’s flung in my face a lot as “he’s stuck to watch the kid” and “I’d be fucked if he wasn’t here to watch her”.

So how to I get him out? No matter of asking or being firm works….and I know if I changed the locks he would full on break down the door. If it was just me in the house fair enough id call the police but I tip toe about him to save my daughter seeing everything. Trying to do best for her by getting him to go, but also trying to do best by her and not let her witness violence. It’s a lose lose situation.

Advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 15:30

@CakeyBakeyHeart Good point to look at the reverse way of seeing it. I never thought of it like that.

Il try and give you more information, I would say I do the majority of the childcare as he works Monday to Friday in a trade, I also do the the other three evenings in the week I’m not working so he can have a break from childcare. For over a year Iv sat him down every month and we have had a serious talk about him contributing financially, contributing to the housework load basically just growing up and getting it together. He promises he will and it never happens.

I’m great full he has her while I’m working, but it’s not without it being flung in my face and moaning about it. Which leads me to feeling guilty about working. When talking about custody he’s just always said that he would be stuck with her cos my shift still. I said you can have her as little or as much as you want and I would figure work out to suit what he wants.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 24/07/2023 15:34

Don’t let that commenter confuse you. Violence and shouting have no place in a break up—especially when you are simply asking him to move out not abandoning a SAHP with the children.

His behavior is horrific. You will be much better off losing the shifts and replacing him with a paying lodger if it comes to that.

LonginesPrime · 24/07/2023 15:35

As for access and childcare, she does love her dad and he is capable of looking after her. It’s just to me when he’s not getting his own way that he goes ballistic. Ideally if he could take her one full day and night a week I could consolidate two shifts together and a family member could watch her another evening to fit in a third shift. We would survive, not thrive but we would live in a peaceful house.

It's almost impossible to take the necessary steps in the short-term to get him out while also holding all of these concerns in your head, since as soon as you start to think about how you want things to be in the long-term, the notion that you need to keep him on side creeps back in, and that allows him to manipulate you into letting him stay all over again.

Make an interim childcare plan with a friend or relative for the very short-term (or take some time off work if possible) and then focus on getting him out. He won't be happy about it and he will likely be angry for a while, but that's part of the process and a necessary step to ensure your and DC's freedom and safety.

Speak to Women's Aid/Citizen's Advice and make a simple plan. Keep it simple and stick to the fact you want him out. Move your money somewhere he can't access it and hide DC's passport, etc beforehand.

Also, read up on coercive control beforehand so you can better spot the signs in the moment when he's trying to manipulate you into giving in. He will use all your doubts and emotional abuse (the stuff you listed, threatening suicide, etc) to get you to change your mind, so it's important to recognise these as manipulation techniques and to stick to your plan regardless. After he's out and the dust has settled, check out the Freedom Programme.

On the day you execute the plan, try to have a friend or relative there and call the police if necessary.

ZekeZeke · 24/07/2023 16:00

Who owns the home?
If you rent, whos name is on the agreement?

Original poster
LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 16:09

@ZekeZeke

owned fully by me

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 24/07/2023 16:18

What he does to you he will do to her when she gets old enough not to serve his needs. He will be screaming and threatening suicide at her when she is a teen or a young mother and can’t take care of him.

CovertImage · 24/07/2023 16:42

ZekeZeke · 24/07/2023 16:00

Who owns the home?
If you rent, whos name is on the agreement?

You've asked this twice. It's in the OP

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/07/2023 17:08

I'd be tempted to hire a couple of large scary blokes for a few days. First to get rid, then to discourage any notions of returning.

CakeyBakeyHeart · 24/07/2023 17:12

LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 15:30

@CakeyBakeyHeart Good point to look at the reverse way of seeing it. I never thought of it like that.

Il try and give you more information, I would say I do the majority of the childcare as he works Monday to Friday in a trade, I also do the the other three evenings in the week I’m not working so he can have a break from childcare. For over a year Iv sat him down every month and we have had a serious talk about him contributing financially, contributing to the housework load basically just growing up and getting it together. He promises he will and it never happens.

I’m great full he has her while I’m working, but it’s not without it being flung in my face and moaning about it. Which leads me to feeling guilty about working. When talking about custody he’s just always said that he would be stuck with her cos my shift still. I said you can have her as little or as much as you want and I would figure work out to suit what he wants.

Thanks for the update. Overall I think you are being reasonable, and hopefully he’ll sort out the aggression once he’s accepted the reality of life’s new path.

As a tradie if he earns anything like the hourly rate my local plumbers want to charge for fixing my toilet he’s got no excuse for not doing his bit financially!

ZekeZeke · 24/07/2023 17:28

LucozadeLover · 24/07/2023 16:09

@ZekeZeke

owned fully by me

You own the house, he has no legal right to be there. Call the police and get him out.

CarolynKnappShappy · 24/07/2023 17:29

Aquamarine1029 · 24/07/2023 09:40

Sorry, but you need to get tough. You should have called the police on him already when he was being violent. When he leaves, change the locks, put his things outside and notify the police that you are concerned there may be trouble. If you can have your daughter stay the night with friends or family, arrange that. If he kicks off in any way upon his return, call the police immediately. You need to get him out, now.

This - record him especially threats to kill himself etc and log it with the police - phone them each time he is abusive.

CarolynKnappShappy · 24/07/2023 17:35

If you own it - change the locks, get a solicitor letter ready -

dear x
I informed you on …. Date that our relationship had untetrieveablly broken down.

I have tried to bring up the need for you to find other accommodation as this house is solely mine and you have made no contribution etc
your response has been to get verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. You have threatened suicide and behaved in a very unstable way - terrifying myself and our child.

I request you stay away from the property and communicate solely with my solicitor.

I am happy to drop off any items you might have still here - at a local police station or a mutual friends house. Please contact my solicitor to arrange this.

the locks and have been changed and all contact is to go through my solicitor.

install a ring doorbell and leave the letter for him
on the door mat.

get friends to stay with you in the house for when he arrives. Dial 999 if a problem. Do not let him in.

Coulditreallybe · 28/08/2023 00:05

Has he gone @LucozadeLover

ConnieTucker · 28/08/2023 00:09

ZekeZeke · 24/07/2023 17:28

You own the house, he has no legal right to be there. Call the police and get him out.

Show quote history

This. And get cameras on your doors. And he doesnt look after his child in your house either. Firm solid boundaries.

ConnieTucker · 28/08/2023 00:10

Didnt check dates!

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