My husband has just told me that I am ruining our marriage

[Sunflower956]

My husband has just told me that I am ruining our marriage. He says that I have caused him depression and he feels that he doesn’t do anything right.

I feel like a terrible wife, I know that I am controlling and stubborn.

We have just had a baby and I am doing everything to take care of her.

My husband works away for long period and is home sometimes for one or two days a month, when he gets home he is always tired which I do understand (but I am also always tired), he will just spend all day sat on the sofa watching tv. Literally the only thing he does with our baby is watch tv with her. I know he works hard to support us financially but does that mean he can be a slob when he is at home. He leaves a trail of mess wherever he goes.

He also has a quick temper, if I say anything he starts getting angry. I have usually just said ‘okay’ and got on with it. But now we have a baby I am stubborn and have started not backing down on my opinions and I feel I need to defend my opinion.

He will apologise after he has been angry but nothing changes. I just want us to work as a team when he is at home. Not just leave me to do everything to take care of the baby and the house and the dogs. He does nothing. Even when does do something it’s never a full job or even done properly.

I swear he has become a pig when he eats now, I never remember him ever eating like such a pig, it’s embarrassing. People have looked at him in disgust when he eats. I don’t think he realises it, and when I say anything he just shuts me down.

I have grown so much since we have been together and even more since having a baby. But I feel he acts like a child when at home.

We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 years and our baby is 6 months old.

My biggest concern is that I want him to act like a father to our daughter and be a good example of a man. At the moment if I say anything that is negative he starts fighting with me and making me feel like I’m in the wrong for what I am saying and he is always right.

I just don’t know what to do and I don’t feel I have anyone to turn to.

Should I just get on with doing everything and stop expecting that he is going to change and help me? Everything is fine when he is away working, it’s just when he is home. I never really see much of him anyway.

It’s just so difficult when he is home, I already have so much to do with taking care of our daughter and the house and dogs that when comes home with all his laundry and trail of mess I get so fend up and make comments asking for help which just ends with arguing.

Without him I have no financial support. He makes all the money.

When we are fighting he always threatens me that I’m acting like his ex and he will leave me.

Has anyone else experienced this with your husband? Does anyone have any advice for me?

Do you want to stay with him? It doesn’t sound like you are happy.
It sounds like he is struggling with something and blaming you. He sounds awful.

He’s home for one day a month? Have I read that right? What do you want him to accomplish during his one day a month off?

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie I’m so conflicted, I do love him and I know he loves me. But we are both unhappy and I feel so drained. I don’t know how to communicate to him how he feels because whenever I try he fights with me and makes me feel I’m wrong. I don’t know how I can help him without it taking a toll on me.

What work were you doing before your baby? I would start with getting a job, even part time. Do you have equal access to finances? Is he really only at home 12 days in a year?

Get started looking for a way out.

Just to clarify. He is home more than 12 days per year. He works on contracts, over the past few months he has only be home for an approximate total of 5 day off. If there is a contract closer to home he will come home in the evening from about 7/8pm. So he is home more than I stated but I was more meaning that he only has had 1 or 2 days off (not working) per month over the past few months. Sorry for the confusion

I don't know what advice you are looking for. Did you think he was going to change after you had a baby? Someone who is barely home isn't really going to be much use as a partner and father. You need to work on getting yourself into a position to support yourself and your child and to be happy without him because it doesn't sound like it's going to take much for him to leave.

Can you go to couples counseling?

In his mind working away may justify him not helping around the house, he may feel its your thing as he is provider
He sounds depressed
Could his change in appetite be related to depression or drug use

He's deflecting onto you. You can't even have a reasonable conversation with him.

He's been home for 5 days this year and yet you are the cause of his depression? Unlikely.

Sounds like he's checked out.

None of the things you say are controlling- you simply want him to step up being a father.

Sorry op but I think this is doomed.

He's silencing you by shouting because he doesn't want to hear what you have to say.

I'd pick a time when he's home get a babysitter and have a serious conversation. You are both unhappy, he needed to help with child /house when he is home. If you can't compromise then you could consider counselling or it may be that you are not compatible.

Oh sorry I reread OP and saw that he has said he feels depressed
He's losing connection to you and the family
If you can work on strengthening it then he may become more involved

Was coming to say exactly this.

He feels shit about his life and wants to push that onto you, the wife and child he barely sees?? NOPE.

Do not let him manipulate you into thinking you have to start doing more. Obviously if there are key issues where you recognise you are at fault then fair enough, reflect on those, however you haven't really identified any in the OP.

I'd be looking at moving on from him. Personally, a long distance barely there father isn't something I could entertain!

You’ve not caused him to become depressed and if anyone is ruining the marriage here it’s him. It’s not your job to strengthen his connection either to the family either nor should you act as his rehab centre.

He was never going to amount to being a present father and husband to you because he’s rarely home. All he’s wanted is some woman to clean up after him. He’s a slob and I would think his mother always tidied up after him too.

He us further projecting his own self onto you. My guess too that his relationship with his ex ended for similar reasons ie him
snd his inherent selfishness. If counselling is to be considered do this on your own. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I would look into seeking legal advice re all aspects of a potential divorce, knowledge here is also power.

He's only home for one or two days a month, and you are there with the baby the rest of the time, and he says you are ruining the marriage?

I think he/ both of you need to reassess your priorities - there's not really even a marriage to ruin at the moment by the sound of it, you have so little time together. What's the point?

It can't be nice to be away from your wife and family for such extended periods of time, how often do you keep in touch when he's away?
If love is still there then try to reconnect, if not, separate as you have separate lives already

Only 2 days per month. I could up with that, but in the meantime start saving money, going out and meeting people - get a new life, warbrobe. Get a lockup and start squirrillng useful bits and pieces for when you do move out. Be ready too. Let him slob for a easy life. He's not going to change. He has already lost you. Goodluck

Sorry but it reads as though he’s blaming all the problems on you. You might try to keep things going but when someone says that it usually has the opposite effect why would you want to be with someone who says your making him unhappy. I would be making plans to seperate you deserve someone who loves and respects you’re not an emotional punchbag.

Oil rig or similar?

From his perspective, he's probably thinking 'I'm working insane hours to keep my family going and those rare few days I'm home, she's constantly having a go at me, I can't even relax with the baby.'

If he's only for a day or two, why can't you take time off the laundry etc on those days too? Or pay for a cleaner at that time, if you really must do laundry every single day. Meet in the middle.

Probably get flamed for this but honestly if DH had only had 5 days not working this year I wouldn't expect him to do much on those days. I'd be really worried about burnout/his health. And being a SAHM is tough too especially if you are almost always doing it alone. He needs a different job with more time off so you can both get a break.

I can’t imagine this guy paying for a cleaner, he thinks all that is his wife’s job. And that is not the main problem here, it’s his overall attitude along with blaming her for he feeling depressed. How much of this is due to depression against he actually being an arse?. Pregnancy and birth are two flashpoints for abusive men to further abuse their spouse.

If he only gets one or two days off a month and he's financially supporting the family, sorry but you really can't expect him to do much, he does need to rest and relax sometimes...

Where do you live. I’m guessing not the uk? That kind of schedule would be quite unusual unless he has a self employed contractor and choosing those shifts.

i think previous replies are a bit soft on your husband. If he is working away he gets time to himself I presume? Evenings? Sleeps all night.

Get yourself a job so that you can support yourself and your child.

I agree.

He must be exhausted. If I worked 29 days a month I'd just want to sit and cuddle my baby on my 2 days off aswell.