My husband has just told me that I am ruining our marriage

[Sunflower956]

My husband has just told me that I am ruining our marriage. He says that I have caused him depression and he feels that he doesn’t do anything right.

I feel like a terrible wife, I know that I am controlling and stubborn.

We have just had a baby and I am doing everything to take care of her.

My husband works away for long period and is home sometimes for one or two days a month, when he gets home he is always tired which I do understand (but I am also always tired), he will just spend all day sat on the sofa watching tv. Literally the only thing he does with our baby is watch tv with her. I know he works hard to support us financially but does that mean he can be a slob when he is at home. He leaves a trail of mess wherever he goes.

He also has a quick temper, if I say anything he starts getting angry. I have usually just said ‘okay’ and got on with it. But now we have a baby I am stubborn and have started not backing down on my opinions and I feel I need to defend my opinion.

He will apologise after he has been angry but nothing changes. I just want us to work as a team when he is at home. Not just leave me to do everything to take care of the baby and the house and the dogs. He does nothing. Even when does do something it’s never a full job or even done properly.

I swear he has become a pig when he eats now, I never remember him ever eating like such a pig, it’s embarrassing. People have looked at him in disgust when he eats. I don’t think he realises it, and when I say anything he just shuts me down.

I have grown so much since we have been together and even more since having a baby. But I feel he acts like a child when at home.

We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 years and our baby is 6 months old.

My biggest concern is that I want him to act like a father to our daughter and be a good example of a man. At the moment if I say anything that is negative he starts fighting with me and making me feel like I’m in the wrong for what I am saying and he is always right.

I just don’t know what to do and I don’t feel I have anyone to turn to.

Should I just get on with doing everything and stop expecting that he is going to change and help me? Everything is fine when he is away working, it’s just when he is home. I never really see much of him anyway.

It’s just so difficult when he is home, I already have so much to do with taking care of our daughter and the house and dogs that when comes home with all his laundry and trail of mess I get so fend up and make comments asking for help which just ends with arguing.

Without him I have no financial support. He makes all the money.

When we are fighting he always threatens me that I’m acting like his ex and he will leave me.

Has anyone else experienced this with your husband? Does anyone have any advice for me?

I think if he's only home 1 day a month (at the moment) you need to cut him a bit of slack. Financially providing fully for the household is not nothing, and he is spending time with his child when he's home, yes sitting in front of the TV but at least he is holding her and being close to her. I can see how treating the home like a hotel would be irritating for you, but - honestly - why should he be chipping in with housework like cleaning, washing up, changing beds, hoovering etc? He hasn'tbeen there! Mumsnet insists husbands should do half the housework yes but that's because it's their mess too. In this case though, it isn't! He hasn't been there for a month, if there's mess that's built up it isn't his.

I do get why you're annoyed but he's home so little that I don't know what more you can realistically expect (other than he should tidy up after himself, and of course be pleasant/ respectful to you.)

Agree with this, he needs “home & family “, time to rebuild the family connection and bond with his child, I imagine he feels like a stranger at the moment

I think it depends what he does. If he’s out on a rig or driving he may be pretty done in by the time he gets back. If he’s sitting around drinking coffee in business class and in hotels etc then maybe you could expect him to be more chirpy. Also if he’s travelling home a fair distance to get back that can really take it out of you.

I’m usually on the side of the person at home juggling the family etc but tbh it sounds like your husband is working a lot. Can you afford to get some help in? I know oil families and it’s tough on everyone once kids come along.

Maybe you can help with the connection thing and just leave as much housework that needs to be done as possible and schedule in something like a walk somewhere nice and a picnic. Or maybe just the garden with a paddling pool for the baby. Just to remind both of you that at one point you were relaxed and happy together.

First year of a child life is often brutal, theres many a marriage thats struggled for that period and you are facing particularly challenging circumstances. Maybe if you can when the baby is in bed grab a takeout and a bottle of wine and just catch up with each other. My Dh was physically present yet we were so involved with our baby that we were like ships in the night for ages that we barely spoke unless it was about the baby. It does get easier x

I was a SAHM and DH worked away 7-10 days at a time, 2/3 days off.I saw the house/kids/garden as my job, although he did mow the lawn sometimes. When he was home I wanted him to spend time with the kids and me, plus he had to get ready to go away again.
When I became frustrated I got myself a PT job and put the kids in nursery.

No one in the uk is working on a rig for 29 days straight. 14 on, 14 off. We don’t need oil rig workers falling asleep on the job.

He must be exhausted. And how many days out of your DDs life has he actually had to see her!?!
Plus if my DP spoke about how I eat as you do about your DH I'd leave them. There are kinder ways.

Can't you DH plan towards changing his job to one with a more family-friendly work pattern. There must be something else he can work on so he doesn't have to away the majority of his child's life.

ItWasTheBestOfTimes is right. Both of you sound hard working and worn out. I can relate to both sides.
Google Introverts vs Extroverts on Youtube. Introverts need time alone and indoors to decompress so (if they work hard aswell) it's not laziness. If they don't get this time they will get irritable and snappy. I can't imagine having only a couple of days at home in that time and wanting to do anything but relax and switch off but if he's an introvert he will feel like this anyway after prolonged time around people.

From your perspective you are a brand new mum. That's notoriously one of the hardest and most exhausting times in life so I totally get how you could feel isolated and then sick of picking up a trail of mess and questioning how you're going to live like this into the future. It's SO common to feel like this and for couples to argue at this time especially about division of tasks and mess, just try to not say things hurtful or personal to one another.

I came to the conclusion that some couples manage to divide tasks successfully once e.g one agrees to hoover, one to do bins permanently but if they don't stick to it really and truly it's easier for you just to lose that expectation and clean up after them routinely. I know people will disagree but you can't change people and if he works hard anyway I'd learn to live with it to make my own life easier - otherwise it'll just wind you up and lead to arguments. It doesn't sound malicious/intentional just a habit he'd probably have even living alone. In time when say you are working too you could try to address this but right now with him away so much any changes seem unlikely to last anyway. It's best to focus on how things are now and not ideals (so long as not abusive etc).

I hope you've got support from others such as other mums so you can vent to each other and to give you some independence. In not working you can get depression and feel very isolated.
Don't be hard on yourself and know that how you feel and react are perfectly normal and common. 💖

Out of curiosity OP, when you planned the baby/fell pregnant what was the conversation and process regarding what would happen when the baby was born?
Because I cant imagine agreeing to have a child with someone who isn't around. Love and financial support are great but having a child entails a level of compromise with working situations.
It was never going to work with all the financial burden on him and all the house and baby burden on you. This will only build resentment. He is not present as a father. And I bet he uses his sole income as ammunition in an argument.

This isn't sustainable. You're a single parent. I'd look to break free from this.

Well it sounds like he’s always been this way, so he’s not going to change just because there’s a baby in the mix. How he was with the dogs should have been a big red flag to you. He never should have had a baby anyway, he doesn’t have an appropriate job to be a father. The poor child will hardly know him.

I wouldn’t waste my life being some angry man’s skivvy, but it sounds like you’re going to hold out hope that he’ll change - he won’t.

Why should he be chipping in?! Because he has a child for fuck sake, or was he stupid enough to believe he could have a baby but take on no extra work? If he was so exhausted he can’t even cook himself a meal, then he was completely irresponsible to bring another life into this world.

I agree with this.

Putting myself in his shoes, if I worked away and only had 5 days at home over a several month period (esp if those days weren't all together and i only had a cpuple at a time), I probably wouldn't feel much like doing anything other than just enjoying being at home and relaxing either!

I think it would look very much to the returning partner like things at home were just ticking along as normal.

I think the issue isn't so much this but that you're unable to communicate effectively with each other about it.

It's hard as a SAHM - I did it for a couple of years and hated it! But it's also hard being away from home for so long.

OP - you may need to think about what you are doing to relieve some financial stress from him. Have a plan and go to him with that.

Expecting one person to bear all the financial responsibility is not on.

Just because someone “works away from home” doesn’t mean they work 24/7 with no breaks. Depending in the job and situation they may have free time evenings and weekends and no real homeowner or parenting duties.

Yes but no friends? Nowhere to really go in a new city? Are they stuck in accommodation in the middle of nowhere? Are they working long days or nights? Feeling lonely?

Sure but we don’t know.

He needs to take some responsibility for his own thoughts and feelings and wellbeing. I bet you did this for him before but now you're less available as you have a baby to care for. I would suggest individuals or couples therapy

The novelty of fatherhood has worn off for him + he is jealous of your attention + priority being the baby. He feels pushed out. His time away probably means he feels out of the loop with his own child. Babies change so much + so quickly, its hard to keep up if you aren't there. He also doesn't come 1st with you anymore.
Presumably he worked this much before you had your child + I am guessing once he was home, he got your focus + attention. How many date nights have you had without the baby? He may also be finding his work tough + not fully admitting it to himself. Its easy for feelings of being trapped in a job, left out + unimportant at home to fuel depression.
I hope you have a holiday planned for the summer to give him a break from work + reconnect with you again. Think how you can take some time out from being parents to be husband + wife again. Talk about his work pattern because long term its not sustainable. Talk about the future because your child will grow + maternity leave will end. You both need a reminder this isn't forever.

What does he do for work OP? Without knowing what he does, I can't really comment on if he's being lazy at home or if he's just burnt out and exhausted.

But it does sound like he is gone for a very long time, leaving you alone with a newborn, which must be extremely hard for you.
It doesn't sound like he's seen much of his daughter since she was born.

Are you happy with this arrangement?

When we are fighting he always threatens me that I’m acting like his ex and he will leave me.

Making threats to leave you is a major red flag. Do you have full access to bank accounts and savings? Is your name on the mortgage?

I’d be considering a step towards the exit… Are you on mat leave?

Just because he is away for long periods does not mean he us working flat out. He will get rest.
I assume with him working away he is very well paid so I would say use sone if that money to pay for help. Employ a cleaner who comes at least once a week. Pay for childcare at least half a day a week so you can do something other than domestic drudgery.
Pay for ready meals when he is home or take aways-again to make life easier.
If he questions this then say what is the point of him working these long hours?
Seriously he may as well work closer to home and muck in with the chores and childcare.
I think the suggestion to get a lock up and start squirrelling things away us also a very good suggestion.

He doesn’t need to get stuck into the cleaning on his day off but he also doesn’t need to leave a trail of mess everywhere, or be disgusting when he eats, totally disrespectful.
If you are in the uk Op get some advice from Women’s Aid, Citizen’s Advice on how to leave and be independent from him. He won’t be surprised as it’s already happened before.

This. He is being very manipulative saying you are making him depressed. He just wants you to feel guilty and shut up.