DH says that my feelings are wrong

[Iusedtobehappier]

Please help me make sense of this. Me and DH going round in circles. DH often makes me feel unappreciated and is not very compassionate towards me and my struggles in life.

he has been away half the week and I explained that I didn’t feel appreciated for what I had done, and he didn’t offer to pick up more ‘slack’ now he was back. He constantly tells me that I’m wrong to feel unappreciated and he said thank you, but I said I want you to help me more when you’ve not been here. For reference he doesn’t do any washing, doesn’t sort any meals (will do food shop but badly) and is untidy. Two small DC and both working full time.

it’s the constantly being told how I feel is wrong which is frustrating me. He says that just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s facts and he can disagree. But that just reiterates to me that he cares about himself more than he does me?

YANBU. Saying thank you is easy! He needs to actually get off his arse and do stuff!

He's right that feelings aren't facts. However, your disappointment is rooted in the fact that he doesn't contribute equally to domestic chores. Is his twisting of the situation as troubling for you as the lack of sharing domestic works? I'm wondering what is more upsetting or problematic or if both are equally significant for you. I'm sorry- he sounds like he's not treating you respectfully or lovingly.

Well yes, when he says this he reveals his feelings will always trump the connection between you. His ego is the biggest concern to him. Problem is there is little to no point pointing this out to him. You've got very little chance of getting him to understand why his attitude is destroying any good feelings you have for him. This is why your discussions go no where.

How about you don't say you feel unappreciated (if that means he just says that he does appreciate it). Instead you could say something factual like "I'm tired and annoyed from doing more than my fair share".

Oh this makes me feel seen. This really sums up how I feel but I just couldn’t find the words.

I had one like this.
I'd say "when you do x, I feel y."
He'd say "well I disagree that you should feel that way."
I'd say "you're invalidating my feelings" and he'd say "you're invalidating mine."

And around and around we'd go. It was crazy making. Then He'd go and tell his friends what I was upset about and they'd validate his dismissiveness and neglect towards me which made it worse.

Like @Cleotolstoy says, it all boils down to his ego. I ended up having a nervous breakdown in the end as I couldn't communicate with him at all. He was rigid and challenged every issue I raised. These men don't seek to understand, only to prove us wrong. I believe I was dealing with a covert narcissist. Loved by everyone in the outside world but hell on earth to have a relationship with.

You need to focus on the facts rather than your feelings, ie the fact that he doesn’t pull his weight rather than your annoyance at feeling unappreciated

You say: ‘this is not a ‘feeling’. We have two young dc and when you go away I do EVERYTHING for them, unless you’ve made up some imaginary scenario where I secretly buy in a cook cleaner and nanny when you’re away then that is a fact. Saying thank you is not DOING anyhting- that is also a fact. Even when you are here I do 80% of the dc care, all the cooking and can barely trust you to go to the shops with a list, while I too have a full time job. That is a fact. That is not even remotely close to an even split of the load between us, also a fact. Here’s a feeling for you- all this makes me feel angry , resentful, appreciated and when you deliberately ignore this and tell me I’m wrong- then I also feel like you don’t deserve this family and it would be easier for us without you. Here’s a fact for you- most women in these circumstances would feel the same way and women initiate most divorces. Now can you take your ‘just because you feel it doesn’t make it true’ bullshit and shove it, and go shop for ahr cook a delicious dinner for your family? Then you will have a fact on your side of this argument instead of just bullshit. Take the children to the shop with you as I’m going out, but I know you won’t mind as I’ll say thank you. And do remember that if you have any negative feelings about this while you do it, that your feelings don’t make it true and I disagree so I do not care. Which I know is a response you are totally ok with , since I get it so often from you. I’ll be back for the delicious dinner.

Men are a bit different especially with abstract ideas. Sometimes when you say that he needs to help out more they don't understand what exactly you mean. Maybe you can ask him to do specific things like: wash the dishes today or make supper today and see if this helps anyhow?

Do you ever tell him you appreciate the things he does

@Wrappertheday this all sounds very familiar. It’s the dismissing my feelings and making me feel like I don’t matter. It’s making me feel like I don’t want to be married anymore, but I can’t face not being with my kids for half the week.

I’ve organised counselling to try and break the deadlock.

Maybe speak in ‘objective data’ instead of feelings?

“You have contributed nothing practical to the home whilst away. Now you are back not only are you still doing nothing, you appear to be trying to increase my workload further by creating more mess. Please could you do the shop/laundry/whatever to practically demonstrate you recognise how important my support is to your career in managing this home alone in your frequent absence? If not: cool. Don’t work away anymore.”

Feelings are what they are - they are never right or wrong. But they are based on a perception (an interpretation or belief) about objective reality. And perceptions may be correct or incorrect. In your case, you feel unappreciated because you believe he does not pull his weight around the home. It's simple enough to establish whether or not he pulls his weight - keep a log of everything you do each day and ask him every night what he's done that day. It will become pretty clear if your perception is right or wrong.

Nailed it. My XH was like this. And then, since we divorced, he’s like it with our sons too. They don’t see much of him.

He won’t change.

I think I love you. Where were you 15 years ago?!

Be prepared for the fact that straight-talking often doesn't work on men like this. They just see it as nagging that they need to tune out until you return to the workload. They don't care if your life is harder so long as theirs is easier, and the only way to change his behaviour is to make his life tangibly more unpleasant - don't do his washing or cooking. Walk out and leave him to care for the kids. If that fails, divorce him. Life is too short to be a grown man's mummy.

I think tbh if someone is like this nothing you say will make them care. It’s in their interest not to. Sorry OP he sounds like a useless arse.

Is he away for work? When he's there it should be 50/50. Ideally with opportunity for you both to take a break.

He will often deal with the DC in the morning, do the nursery run and take them out for a couple of hours at the weekend. I think he thinks that makes him dad of the year when it’s just doing what needs to be done. He never washes their clothes, sorts their food.

we are just going around in circles. We will have terrible arguments where I am inconsolable, crying and he just turns his back to me. In the week he said to me he wanted a divorce and left me howling in tears. I told him let’s divorce then, and he said that he was saying it to make me realise the gravity of the situation. It’s the coldness he shows me when I’m upset which bothers me.

I had one of those. I've rather punch myself in the belly than talk to him now. This type of man won't want 50/50. I wouldn't worry about that

He's threatening divorce to make you fall in line. He is so determined to think that you're in the wrong that he thinks that's a reasonable reaction to asking him to pull his weight

we are just going around in circles. We will have terrible arguments where I am inconsolable, crying and he just turns his back to me. In the week he said to me he wanted a divorce and left me howling in tears. I told him let’s divorce then, and he said that he was saying it to make me realise the gravity of the situation. It’s the coldness he shows me when I’m upset which bothers me.

Oh Sweetheart, your update makes it clear that your relationship is pretty close to having broken down completely. You are right about the coldness - there is rarely a way back from this, unfortunately.

You may have to face the fact that this is it and start lining up your ducks. You know, gather all financial documentation, including pensions, and see an experienced family solicitor.

Just imagine, you could be free from all this emotional torture. It won't be a bed of roses, but I can almost guarantee you that you - and your children!! - will be happier. Don't worry about 50:50 - he won't want to bother with this.

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they're just feelings.

It sounds like he lacks empathy.

One more thing: get some counselling for yourself, so you'll be better sble to deal with your strong emotions. Being inconsolable and howling in tears not only makes you seem weak in his eyes, it makes you feel much, much worse about yourself and your inability to make him care.

Remember, he doesn't care because of your failings or inadequacy. He doesn't care because he is an emotionally stunted asshole!

@Iusedtobehappier if he can go to counselling together as a couple at some point in the future and address his communication style then you have q chance. We went to relationship counselling and she said he was "not open to intervention" she also told him to seek individual counselling as a lot of our issues were around the way his family treated me and he would just deny that it was happening which showed he had some sort of attachment issues to address. He laughed at that.

A second professional told him she felt he had "something" causing a disconnection in his thought processes. She also advised he explore this and told me to step back from our relationship for a period of time. She never elaborated, but looking back, I think she'd spotted some NPD traits. I stepped back and then kept stepping back.

Our childcare split is around 65/35 which works for him as he has some expensive, independent hobbies to occupy him. I have spent the last 2 years becoming financially independent. We lived separate lives under the same roof for a year prior to splitting and it was hideous.