DH says that my feelings are wrong

[Iusedtobehappier]

Please help me make sense of this. Me and DH going round in circles. DH often makes me feel unappreciated and is not very compassionate towards me and my struggles in life.

he has been away half the week and I explained that I didn’t feel appreciated for what I had done, and he didn’t offer to pick up more ‘slack’ now he was back. He constantly tells me that I’m wrong to feel unappreciated and he said thank you, but I said I want you to help me more when you’ve not been here. For reference he doesn’t do any washing, doesn’t sort any meals (will do food shop but badly) and is untidy. Two small DC and both working full time.

it’s the constantly being told how I feel is wrong which is frustrating me. He says that just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s facts and he can disagree. But that just reiterates to me that he cares about himself more than he does me?

Yeah, mine stepped over me as I sobbed with frustration on the bathroom floor. I look back now and I can’t believe that was my life.

Oh @LunaNorth thats awful I’m so sorry. I explained to DH this morning about how he had eroded our emotional connection with the way he is. He listened and didn’t actively argue back but said he appreciated what I was saying even though he didn’t agree with all of it. Think counselling is really the only way forward.

Oh my love this is not your run of the mill miscommunication issue. He's an emotional terrorist. Do not go into therapy with him, it will not work. But please do seek one to one therapy. I'm wondering also if there may have been a disconnected care giver in your childhood? I say this because children who have been cherished are much less likely to accept anything other than love and kindness in their intimate relationships as adults. This might be something to explore with a therapist. But for now, this isn't about you, he has a serious and almost always unsolvable problem with the way he sees his relationships and it's not for you to unpick, it's for you to recognise and mitigate the harm. You don't deserve this, you deserve support and all the good things that healthy relationships bring.

Fear OP keep posting and seeking support here as you chart a course forward. You are describing a very emotionally abusive person in your H. You bring him a problem to be solved jointly and he tells you there is no problem but rather that you are the problem. There can be no solution within this kind of marriage. He would rather end it than feel that he has lost the argument.

Do not go into therapy with him. He will use the therapy to destroy you.

Be very careful if you decide to leave. He inly pretends to be unemotional and detached. He may become extremely angry if you try to withdraw or take control away from him.

Dear of course not fear!

We will have terrible arguments where I am inconsolable, crying and he just turns his back to me. In the week he said to me he wanted a divorce and left me howling in tears. I told him let’s divorce then, and he said that he was saying it to make me realise the gravity of the situation. It’s the coldness he shows me when I’m upset which bothers me.

This is disgusting, callous behaviour on his part. If he behaves like this in this area, I imagine that the unequal sharing of housework is not the only problem with this man. He's threatening you to try and get you back into line. You called his bluff and he outright admitted he was threatening you - but in a way to make it seem as though you were the problem and needed to mend your behaviour. What a bastard.
Would you say him punishing you into behaving the way he wants you to is something he does a lot?

But that just reiterates to me that he cares about himself more than he does me

Why did you put a question mark after this? It's not something you can doubt, unfortunately. He clearly doesn't respect your feelings, and, if you want a partner who understands emotional connection, this isn't him.

It’s a fact not a feeling that he’s not pulling his weight thus nuking his marriage.

Stop crying and tell him he changes or it’s over.

There’s no way a man who can’t be arsed to look after his kids now is going to take 50:50 custody. It would mean he couldn’t go away for half the week. It would mean he would have to cook, wash up, clean, wash clothes, take responsibility.