Women who have had affairs

[anotherone99]

Just wondering what you did afterwards and if you managed to reconnect with your partner? Did they reconnect with you once they'd got over the shock? What did you do to reach that point?

I'm pretty much at the stage of 18 months on from discovery about my partner being unfaithful. Not straying just physically but also emotionally - and being in denial about the latter even though it was still continuing after the physical part had paused ( I would have said stopped but actually he messages I saw gave me know confidence that it wasn't about to continue if it had stopped). We've tried counselling together and individually. I made the commitment to stick around and try to reconnect (as well as help sort out some other ongoing family stuff) but in all honesty, it has been a roller coaster hell.
I appreciate we are building a new relationship but despite having the most open communication we have had for years, I still end up feeling I just can't win whatever happens and it is all so unfair as I didn't ask for any of this. As ever, it will be me that has to sort it out as my partner is fixated on staying together, partly due to professing love for me but I also think scared about what others will think if we part after 33 years. Not only have I lost something that can't ever be replaced, I've lost a long-term "friend" and on a practical level has impacted my job and career (was a work colleague involved).

My partner is very attractive to other people but I'm not sure I feel that way anymore - or will ever do again. I believe in marriage for life but I'm so sad and lonely that am truly conflicted about what to do. Still willing to try anything and open to suggestions you might have as running out of ideas and the will to continue.

Accept that it's over. Marriages don't last a lifetime! It'll hurt short term but in the long term you will be happier. The resentment is starting to build, it will only get worse

I second this.

I think you need to quit.

It’s really hard to rebuild a life relationship after an affair, never mind if he’s in denial. What’s in it for you?

Not all marriages can last for ever as Pp says. Start your new chapter now

I couldn't move on from that after 33 years of marriage, sorry.
I almost think the length of your marriage before the betrayal makes it worse!
Put yourself first and do what's right for you.

As ever, it will be me that has to sort it out as my partner is fixated on staying together, partly due to professing love for me but I also think scared about what others will think if we part after 33 years.

My issue here is that you seem to be doing all the leg work…
Whereas if he is that in love and that scared of what others will think, he really should be making it as easy as possible for you. Incl winning you over again, gaining your trust etc…
If he isn’t doing any of that, there is no way it will work.

I made the commitment to stick around and try to reconnect (as well as help sort out some other ongoing family stuff) but in all honesty, it has been a roller coaster hell.

It's okay to change your mind OP and say "You know what, I can't do this. I've tried but I just can't get past it." That's okay. And she (he?) doesn't get a vote - you can decide to leave at any point. For any reason.

As others said you don't have to stay and make it work because she wants to, she doesn't get to make that decision any more if thats not what you want. You can just say no sorry I can't get past this.
It's hard after such a long time but it's about you now, be happy

just realised I hadn't said - it is "she" and I'm "he". TY for useful words.

There's the rub - a lot of marriages do but I'm learning the hard way some don't. That was my dream and belief that is hard to let go - it happens to other people and I wouldn't let that happen to us.

TBF she has said she loves me and will do anything. However, anything we have tried has turned into a nightmare. I'm often accused of wanting other women when that is not the case, not making an effort when we have talked about needing to deal with some practical Cxxp that has to be done - as well as me trying to get myself a bit stronger again. Sadly this took a toll on my health but I'm determined not to be a victim and make myself healthy, strong and resilient again.

I know - I think that is what I'm finding out about myself. The lying that must have gone on when she was sleeping with him is worse than the sleeping - and not as hurtful as sending selfies when away on our wedding anniversary and not seeing later how hurtful that was. But I am genuinely less bothered about that now, along with anything really and that is what worries me. Hey-ho that's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.

I was the one who had the affair. It was a complicated thing and I was in a wierd subservient relationship with both my exh and my ap.
Ultimately my betrayal was too much for my exh to bear. I did absolutely everything I could identify to do. I read books and websites and we tried couples counselling. All the advice I read was that I should be 100pc open with him. Anything he wanted to know, tell him. I was to gain his trust slowly but proactively by telling him where I was and who I was with at all times. Any events or nights out I consulted him and if he didn't want me to go then I didn't go, no complaints.
But it was never enough. Nothing ever worked. He couldn't begin to even trust me and he couldn't understand why I did it. Hell I barely understood. He also could not accept that he was anything less than perfect. One of the books I read said something like the decision to have an affair is on me but the state of the marriage was on both of us. He couldn't accept any part of that.

If your wife is truly remorseful and is willing to put in the work (which in my case included a bunch of personal therapy to sort out my own issues) AND you are prepared to also put in the work, it could possibly work. But I think it will be extremely hard and I don't know many who've managed it and I know plenty who didn't. Sorry.

If you end this marriage you will have not failed, and it will not be a sign of weakness.
You are not obliged to protect your partner from the pain of separation.
Taking decisive action to prevent what could be years of mistrust and misery for you both is an act of strength. In doing so you will be freeing both of you.
She is an adult who can and should take responsibility for herself. She will be fine, and in time, so will you.

I'm a woman who had an affair, it ended and my DH found out. I chose to leave even when he was keen to go to counselling and keep things going. It was scary leaving, but i knew if i stayed I would have cheated again because there was something essentially missing in my marriage which is why i cheated in the first place.

It sounds a bit like she is trying to rewrite history and make her affair your fault.

You can divorce her for any reason you like and she has no say bin this, see a solicitor get the divorce going and ask her to move out, you need to show how serious you are

Why did she cheat? Has she done the work to fix whatever was broken inside her?

There is nothing you could have done to have stopped her cheating. Just like there is nothing you could do to convince me to drink a small alcoholic drink and then drive. It’s legal, many people do it but I just don’t do it. Ever. It’s a hard boundary inside of me. You can mock me, coerce me, challenge me but I won’t do it. Cheating on my husband is the same for me. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t want to feel like a shitbag. I wouldn’t do it as I wouldn’t want to hurt my husband but even if he’s pissing me off I wouldn’t do it because my values, integrity and morals don’t allow me too. I wouldn’t do it for me. I’d prefer to leave my marriage with dignity if I’m unhappy. (Sorry if this offends anyone and those leaving abusive relationships please ignore my comments as I feel abuse can lead to an affair for different reasons).

What allowed her to cheat? What allowed her to presumably break her own moral code?

I am asking this because I am wondering what work she has done on herself to prove she is capable of restoring/rebuilding your marriage.

You’ve given it your all, trying to move on but I think for everyone’s sake it’s time to accept it’s over and both move on with your lives. We only get one life, don’t live it trying to fix something that seems irreparable. Don’t stay for any kids, it really isn’t the best thing. Financially it might be tough, but don’t stay for bricks and mortar or what others will think. No-one bats an eyelid anymore if someone announces a divorce, thankfully we have moved on from that era where it’s shocking. You’ve done nothing wrong so have nothing to be ashamed of

@anotherone99

I had an affair. Married 14years, kids. Stupidly stupidly stupidly got involved with someone from work. Age old story, but obviously didn't see it was so cliched at time.

I was unhappy my marriage, at an extremely low point and someone gave me attention. This is someone who I would not normally have been attracted to; would most certainly never have wanted to be with on a permanent basis. And yet, for some unknown reason, I did. It's the biggest regret of my life. And yet a regret that is completely my own doing.

I told my husband. I didn't think we could rebuild if it was based on a lie. In hindsight, I think I told as I was wanting forgiveness. Which means it was yet another act that I was being selfish with.

It's been 4 years. I have been to therapy, have changed my working role so no longer see the person. There are many many parts of our relationship that are better. But, does it ever go away? Never. I (and my husband) know I am capable of deceit. I love him, genuinely do. But he doesn't trust the same. I see it in the small things, hard to describe but it's there.

Am not sure what future holds. We are happier together I think.

TY. The not understanding why resonates a bit. I have accepted that my all-or-nothing and workaholic tendencies contributed to her feelings. I'm not perfect and have admitted that but I thought we shared the same values about our marriage vows and respect for each other. And you are right - it does require both of us to work at it if we are to heal. I have been trying but it took a fair while before she would seek support for working through some of her underlying issues.
We all make mistakes and I truly hope you are in a better place now.

I think it was mainly that we'd started to take each other for granted during the growing kids era and then she enjoyed the attention of a long term mutual friend more than the attention I provided.
A bit like you, it is the conflict with my moral code that I'm struggling with and I think that will be the reason for ending our relationship.
Along with the fact that she says she is sorry but usually caveated by some justification or rationalisation that is about her rather than my feelings. That really hurts too.

Marriage was invented when people died in their 30s and 40s (of they were long-lived and lucky. You shouldn’t hold yourself and your happiness to ransom for some strange-founded belief in ‚making It work for the rest of your life‘.
I had affairs and realised that ultimately my straying was on me and that I clearly did not love my husband enough to treat him respectfully (in fairness to me he was a very mean man). So eventually we divorced. Nevertheless I do think that monogamy for up to 70 years is not the norm nor reasonable. Marriage is manmade and is fallible because of it. The relationships that last that long do so not because of monogamy but because of love and steadfastness. It takes both.

One thing I have learnt in life is that if you really love someone you wouldn't be able to cheat on them, lie to them, hurt them and disrespect them in the way cheating does.

If someone is cheating on their partner, they do not truly love them.

It's up to you whether you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you

So sorry you found yourself in that position - appreciate it can be hard for the wayward partner too.
I believe I have forgiven her and I don't have an issue with trusting her - if anything I don't particularly care if it means she is getting her needs satisfied and is happy. And that both frightens and saddens me. (I'd actually always supported her relationship with this person for a lot of years as they had a friendship that was helpful to both of them - more fool me!!!)
As you say, some of the outcome is somethings are better - like we are talking more about our needs but I feel she is not really listening to mine. And I guess for me that special bond has been lost for good and it is more a sense of duty that holds me.

Thank you for your kindness. Actually I am in a way better place. I really did work hard to understand what I did and why I did it. I can say, with some confidence, I'd never do it again. And FWIW we are better off divorced, both of us have found new relationships that suit us better and I think ultimately we were not right together. Shit way of going about it but the right outcome.
I am worried she's reluctant to get therapy, I think it's really important that she gets to understand what did make her do what she did. But hopefully she sees the benefit now.
I wish you all the best, whatever happens.

Op if she caveats her reasons with a but or a justifications then she has not done the work. There is no but. You are unhappy now, you feel let down, you feel anger, despair. You are confused, etc etc but you (presumably) are not cheating on her.

If the marriage had problems (many do) then shitting all over it wasn’t ever going to improve it. The best analogy I’ve read is there is a hole in the roof that needs fixing but your spouse has poured petrol all over the house and lit it with a match. If your counselling was focused on assessing and talking about the hole still it was useless. She needs to address why she threw petrol all over it.

It is something in her that needs fixing. Why did she allow herself to break her own marriage vows. Marriage may not be for everyone - that’s why we have divorce. She could have talked or left. And why didn’t she tell you she was cheating, why did she feel she deserved MORE than you. Why couldn’t you join the cheating party? Why did she think it was okay to play be different rules? Often they have 80% of their needs met by their spouse but they feel they deserve the other 20% too. Then they beg to return when light is shone on their dirty secrets.

When it comes to the crunch Selfishness and entitlement are really the only reasons she could do this- what work has she done on this? Is she still friends with him?