Women who have had affairs

[anotherone99]

Just wondering what you did afterwards and if you managed to reconnect with your partner? Did they reconnect with you once they'd got over the shock? What did you do to reach that point?

I'm pretty much at the stage of 18 months on from discovery about my partner being unfaithful. Not straying just physically but also emotionally - and being in denial about the latter even though it was still continuing after the physical part had paused ( I would have said stopped but actually he messages I saw gave me know confidence that it wasn't about to continue if it had stopped). We've tried counselling together and individually. I made the commitment to stick around and try to reconnect (as well as help sort out some other ongoing family stuff) but in all honesty, it has been a roller coaster hell.
I appreciate we are building a new relationship but despite having the most open communication we have had for years, I still end up feeling I just can't win whatever happens and it is all so unfair as I didn't ask for any of this. As ever, it will be me that has to sort it out as my partner is fixated on staying together, partly due to professing love for me but I also think scared about what others will think if we part after 33 years. Not only have I lost something that can't ever be replaced, I've lost a long-term "friend" and on a practical level has impacted my job and career (was a work colleague involved).

My partner is very attractive to other people but I'm not sure I feel that way anymore - or will ever do again. I believe in marriage for life but I'm so sad and lonely that am truly conflicted about what to do. Still willing to try anything and open to suggestions you might have as running out of ideas and the will to continue.

Well what a false bit of wisdom right there.

In my experience the one that cheats does not love themselves enough therefore seeks validation. It’s on them completely. They don’t give much of a toss about u but that’s because lack of self love is a selfish endeavour.

As for OP, it’s early stages yet. It gets better after two years. Depends very much on what u want out of it. If it’s family it’s possible. If it’s a relationship you are flogging a dead horse. It’s to do with focusing too much on each other as opposed on kids brining you together and you can get by without being hung up on it.

Do you really understand what led her to the affair? I felt trapped (kids, finances, family expectations) in a marriage that was miserable; I met someone who was in a very similar situation, and I did the wrong thing. While my husband did recognise that some of his actions had contributed, and on the surface made changes, fundamentally the marriage was over.

Our situation was different in that he wanted the marriage to continue despite my affair; I was simply back in a marriage with someone I didn’t like or respect but with an added bucketload of guilt and grief for the the kind of happy marriage that could have been if I’d married someone else, and after a couple of very painful years I left.

I am so sorry; it must be so hard for you to make a dispassionate analysis of what happened - but if she was escaping the marriage, why was that? What was she looking for or getting? Is it something she could reasonably expect from a marriage, and can you help her achieve it? or is it something unreasonable and unrealistic, or that you would not want to be or do?

Agree with @Truemilk . I have several friends who have cheated on their SO, all of them love to give reasons why, but the truth, as far as I see it, is they are selfish and don't really love their DP/DH.
If she's giving you reasons why she cheated it shows that she isn't truly sorry, not really,and is more interested in telling you where you went wrong or didn't make her happy. She should have no if's or buts in her apology and should be doing everything possible to work with you to repair the damage her actions have caused . She sounds half hearted in her attempt to really make your relationship work. Ok ow some people say they manage to rebuild the trust after an affair and things are better than ever but in my experience that is a rare thing. Once someone has shown you they can lie to your face without blinking an eye then you know they are capable and willing to deceive you. My opinion also is that if someone has cheated in the past they're more likely to cheat in the future. People are who they are

How old are the kids?

Kids grown up now. So different from having younger kids but will affect them nonetheless, which seems so unfair on them too.

In some ways yes and we have talked about that. I've held my hand up to what I've neglected in our relationship but even when tempted, I did not stray. That is a big difference to me.
I do wonder if her almost obsession to stay is driven by hysterical bonding and actually we would end up being in similar situation that you describe, Once the hiatus had passed in her eyes, then her entitlements would come out again.
TY for sharing.

Yes, what you have written makes me realise I tend to think that too. I have been struggling with the fact that it is perfectly understandable that she doesn't want to dwell on what she has done and pretend life can move on exactly the same. That then means I don't get to see any real remorse from her and conversations always tend to be about how bad she is feeling.

I think @Truemilk is right.

Even after the discovery of the affair, her needs trump yours.

No disrespect to your wife but she sounds quite entitled.

You are probably right. She is just back from break with DD. I'm a bit low as been dealing with some other family stuff (her family), as well as at my work. Her AP is an ex-colleague there and I need to leave because of her actions. She is now cross with me because I'm a bit withdrawn and struggling! I need to find the strength to accept all that we had worked for has gone (except 2 lovely offspring) and move on. Is very lonely and scary TBH - even for us men.

So you've not only lost your trust in your life partner, her actions mean you have to change jobs too and she's expecting you to just snap out of it and move on?! I'd be furious in your shoes OP

I never get why so many people are so desperate to cling on to something that is broken , particularly when kids have grown up. Just bring it to an end as amicably as possible and start afresh. The weight on your shoulders will be lifted immediately.

That’s easier said than done Milyt

It's so hard to get past this.

And I tried to too.

But I then had to deal with feelings of self disgust as a result.

Can you face breaking up? Have you had any time apart at all?

You say she's very attractive to other people which sounds like you're worried it's a factor in her betrayal? Or maybe she will move on quickly if you do break up.

I think you should focus on you solely right now and retreat a bit. Stop trying to fix this. You can't fix it really. And you may just find you have to let it go.