I think my mother is faking illness!

[MerlinWizard]

I don’t really know where to start except to say every time someone else in my family/life is unwell my mum is suddenly really sick, usually headaches.

My fil who I am extremely close to passed away this week and my mum has been having headaches and needing my attention from it. Today we (myself and husband) were asked to join the rest of the family at my fil’s house and I told my mum and now she is saying I must bring her to the hospital.

I have to add that she has had brain scans, CT scans, hundreds of doctors and hospital appointments over the years and they can’t find anything wrong. They give her paracetamol and send her home!

I really don’t know what to do and have a tentative relationship at best with her, she is difficult to have a relationship with and has pushed my dad and sister away already! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

You need to go to your fil house and be with that side of the family. Switch your phone to silent and ignore you mum.

This, although do expect the 'she's your mootheeerr! How can you not help her, I'd do anything to help my mum' shtick people post.
Why right now does she need you? There's other people and other avenues she can go to.

Please tell me you've ignired her demand. Your loyalty is to your DH and his family today, and your mum has a ridiculous amount of form for this behaviour. Just go to your inlaws.

Why did you tell your mum at all that your husband and you were asked to go to your late FILs house?. Poor boundaries, that’s likely why and she’s encouraged you to be furthermore an extension of her. Your mother has trained you to stand attention to her when she wants something from you. She is making your FILs passing away all about her by feigning health concerns as a means of control.

You also need to walk away from your mother as well like the rest of your family have done. Your mother wants the attention/ narcissistic supply you provided because you are one of the last people who actually bothers with her. I’d no longer bother with her personally because she is and will continue to be a drain. Do also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Stop telling her stuff and keep your phone on silent and replies limited and not immediate - she's doing it because you give her the attention she's craving

I told her because she asked me to come down asap with food as she hadn’t eaten in ‘days’. My husband has headed round already and I’m waiting till my 1 year old wakes from his nap but will definitely be going round. I know I will be in for a performance tonight. I called my sister but she is in England so not much practical help. My mum has always had to be the sick person or the person that sorts things. My sil has taken the reins in terms of sorting things with my fil so mum has to be sick girl!

Where are you? Can you not get a deliveroo to her- even where we are and can't get takeaways to deliver the local shop does a snappy shop option.

Seriously, OP, you do have to put a lid on this and not be available to her whenever she does this.

I have similar (but not the same) issues with my Mum. I and my brother have had to harden our hearts. We only pick up around 25% of her calls, for starters. Fortunately I'm the one a couple of hours away, with my brother the local one, but he visits once a week and that's it. Her needs have to fit round his schedule (he works) and I've persuaded him to take that approach.

The fact that she's had so many scans and appointments which have shown nothing, and the exquisite timing of these headaches, should leave you nothing to feel guilty about.

...and yes, don't tell her anything. Keep your conversations to TV programmes and the news. Not what you and your family are doing or if any of you are ill.

Practical things - do her an online shop and tell her to ring 111.

Hospital giving her paracetamol and sending her home signifies there is absolutely no need for her to be bothering you relentlessly with this aside from the attention it brings for her. It's tricky as you want to do the right thing as it's your mum but you also need to do the right thing for you and your wellbeing.

We are in N.I I think my sister will sort her a delivery I don’t have the mental ability to pretend to care at the minute. I now however don’t need to bring her to hospital as she is saying she has taken an amitriptyline that the doctors prescribed last episode and is going to get into bed (if she can make it upstairs without collapsing). My mum is in her late 50s slim and eats well, walks the dog so I know she is fine but I honestly think she has something mentally wrong with her that needs addressed.

Some people enjoy playing the sick role, or they learn in childhood that being unwell gets them the attention they crave.

Not finding anything on scan doesn't necessarily mean anything - I've suffered terribly from migraines for years and scans haven't found anything, but I don't tell anyone about them, just quietly stay home alone in a dark room.

Tell her you are dealing with a genuine crisis and send her a link to Deliver.

She is playing you all like a violin here and is being dramatic , disordered of thinking people often play the healthy concerns card to regain attention (in your case the main focus is currently on your late FIL and remaining family members). You’re being milked for kindness and narcissistic supply that you give her. Read about narcissistic personality disorders and see how much of this relates to your mother’s behaviour. She does this because she can and has you all as a result dancing to attendance.

Why in earth has your husband gone around there to see her?. He is being exploited. Again doing such plays right into her hands. You certainly should not go around there to see her either, again doing so gives her what she wants- narcissistic supply.

Order her an Uber eats and tell her she feels ill because she's not eating.

Meh, I get headaches. It's apparently my age, ocular migraines. It is debilitating but really all you can do is go to bed. Worse if stressed

She doesn't need attention.

It's a variation on one day I'll be really ill, will die & you'll be sorry.

Think it is a narc thing.

Order her an Uber eats and tell her she feels ill because she's not eating.

A woman in her late 50s as described by the OP should be perfectly able to order herself a takeaway or supermarket delivery.

DHs late mother in her later years was reliably ill on the second day of any holiday we took. Properly ill, requiring hospitalisation sometimes (she had diabetes and other issues). Except for the time we didn't tell her we were going, she was fine that time.

The manager of the care home she was in for the last couple of years said this wasn't uncommon. We don't think it was done consciously but it did seem like a subconscious attention seeking mechanism.

And yes, from what DH has described to me of his childhood she did have narcissistic tendencies.

Could her headaches actually be migraines caused by stress?

You describe a person who suffers from migraines that are triggered by stress quite aptly in what you’ve written about your mother. Stress is also one of the most common triggers for migraines.

Amitriptyline is also frequently prescribed for the prevention or reduction of migraines when a person can’t have beta-blockers.

factitious syndrome aka munchausens?

Just say " Right now I have to attend to DH and his family. Take a paracetamol and I'll see you next week (or whenever)".

Think OP meant her husband had already gone to FILs house and she would follow when the baby woke up

Concur with others, amaltriptaline is an anti-depressant used as a daily preventative drug for some forms of migraine. laughing at her notion that taking one with frankly a fit of the vapours is worthy of your attention. I live with a chronic migraine and cluster headache. Take it from me IF there really was something going on to cause disabling headaches it would be taken seriously. Real headache disorders interfere with every aspect and area of your life and cannot be summoned up just like that. With an active severe headache you lack the energy to pull off any kind of performance and frankly that level of pain would mean you would not have the energy to do so either.

Just to update I went round to FILs to meet my husband, had multiple missed calls that I didn’t answer but did ring when I was leaving around 5 and said I would call to Tesco and call in but she told me to go home she didn’t want to be around the kids so I went home. She called my cousin at 3 am as apparently I’m under too much stress atm knowing that cousin would call me! Lucky she didn’t!

Iv had multiple phone calls today that Iv been dodging so she called my husband when we were round at FILs house again to let me know she needed to go to the doctors at 4 pm. She couldn’t use her legs to walk the less than 5 mins away or 2 min drive as the tablets she has been taking are making her groggy! So told her I would be there 3:45. Then got a call saying her sister was bringing her as she ‘was in a bad way’ and body couldn’t cope with the pain/lack of food/strong tablets! I knew she had an audience so I had to play her game!

Im very close to biting her head off but she looks after my children 1 morning a week when I’m stuck for childcare and I need her! I feel like she has me right where she wants me.