I think my mother is faking illness!

[MerlinWizard]

I don’t really know where to start except to say every time someone else in my family/life is unwell my mum is suddenly really sick, usually headaches.

My fil who I am extremely close to passed away this week and my mum has been having headaches and needing my attention from it. Today we (myself and husband) were asked to join the rest of the family at my fil’s house and I told my mum and now she is saying I must bring her to the hospital.

I have to add that she has had brain scans, CT scans, hundreds of doctors and hospital appointments over the years and they can’t find anything wrong. They give her paracetamol and send her home!

I really don’t know what to do and have a tentative relationship at best with her, she is difficult to have a relationship with and has pushed my dad and sister away already! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Have you ever been firm with her? Have you told her that your DH and his family's needs are more urgent at the moment?

Maybe it's time for some tough love. "Mum, I love you. I worry at how much you suffer with headaches lately. But I need to prioritise DH and DMIL right now, they are so recently bereaved. I'll give you a ring every evening at 6 to catch up. But for the time being can you get by with a Tesco delivery and catch a cab if you urgently need to see a doc? Once things are a little easier at ILs, I'll help you get to bottom of what's happening, because we can't keep on like this. It's wearing you down and the rest of us are struggling to support you as much as you want".

Christ, I wouldn’t be letting someone like this look after my kids even for one morning a week. She’s mad.

I wouldn't be allowing someone who claims to be so ill, to look after my children.

Seriously, there's something either physically or mentally wrong with her, and either of those make her unsafe for childcare.

I would be prioritising finding alternative childcare first. I know you say you don't have an alternative, but if she wasnt around, you'd have to.

You "think" your mother is faking illness?

No shit, Sherlock...

She's late fifties? If you don't address this you are looking at at least another 20 to 30 years of this and it's only going to get worse.

The thing is most of the time she is fine. She is fit as a fiddle running round soft play. It’s as soon as someone else has the spotlight in terms of sickness she can’t stand it! The headaches are the most recent, as in the last 10 years but when my MIL died she thought she had breast cancer and when my granny took sick she thought she had lung cancer then skin cancer. It’s the headaches she is sticking with atm because they can’t be disproved!

she looks after my children 1 morning a week when I'm stuck for childcare and I need her!

You need to make alternative childcare arrangements asap. She's not well - either physically or mentally - and either way, she's probably not the best person to be looking after kids when she's like that.

Your mother is not suitable for childcare under any circumstances. And you’re right, she does have you where she wants you. You’re going to have to drop the rope here that your mother holds out to you. You really have been given the Special Training the adult children of such disordered of thinking parents receive.

I'd be very concerned about leaving a child in her care as she sounds very unstable.

Try and find alternative care arrangements if you can though I appreciate that it might be very difficult.

I'd certainly be telling mum that you and your husband are very concerned about leaving your child in her care.

She really is playing you.

My mother started doing this and i also needed her for childcare but things started to get worse so stopped letting her look after my kids. It was so freeing. I literally just ignore her as soon as she talks about illness (almost every time i see her) i see her on average once every 2 months when i can mentally cope with it. It started off as a attention seeking thing but now its beyond that.
You need to be strong and put yourself first, as you said shes normally more than capable so backing off may make her see you can see through her and hopefully shel snap out of it

She’s actually jealous of the ‘attention’ your dead FIL is getting?

She’s not well. You need to stand well back from. Join your dad and sister.

Find alternative childcare, she’s not fit to have them. Mentally. Physically, she’s fine.