Should my friend not offer fuel money automatically?

[Daisyduke90]

So I have a friend that I’ve know since preschool. We went to primary and secondary school together too so there is a strong connection there. I enjoy her company and we always have a great time together but since having kids and getting married I'm starting to resent the fact that she always assumes I will pick her up and drop her home because she doesn’t drive and now I live further away (1 hour round trip) from her but she has never once offered to pay fuel money ! I always book and plan where we go as she leaves it up to me with having the kids to think about. The other day she forgot to pay me the cash for the tickets we got so she bank transferred the ticket money across but just rounded it down and it didn’t even cover the ticket money plus I packed a lunch for us all. She’s great with the kids and always helps me out when we take them out together which is super helpful but I can’t help but feel used sometimes and that she just feels entitled to lifts and doesn’t take into account I’m going out of my way to collect and drop her home plus the cost of fuel to do this. AIBU to bring this up and potentially lose out on a lifelong friendship or make things permanently awkward and never the same again ? Also will take suggestions of how to approach this sensitively !

Could you say you can't pick her up until you get more petrol so she remembers that you have to pay for and use petrol to pick her up? It may not cross her mind as she doesn't drive.

Could you fill up with her in the car so she it reminded?

Stop picking her up. Arrange her to meet you where ever you're going or if she expects picked up tell her you need a contribution towards petrol If she underpays you again - tell her.

At the moment she's doing all this because you're letting her.

Typical of someone who doesn’t drive, having little concept of the realities of running a car these days.

It’s a tough one really. You’d need to be prepared for resistance and offence being taken and only you can gauge what that’s likely to be with her.

Perhaps an example cost to one of the trips with the stance that “I can’t keep ignoring the cost, as much as I love meeting up, the trip in the car costs me £XX each time and with the rise in living costs it’s simply too much”

And see what she responds with. I think she may well just not think it’s her responsibility - especially if she’s accustomed to grabbing lifts from whoever she’s with.

I have a few non-driver friends and it is pretty irritating. Especially when they ride in your car like they do a bus or taxi and have no concept of how to drive or the true cost of ownership.

Next time you make plans, just say - what time do you want to meet at X?

If she suggests lifts/picking her up, I'd just say your petrol budget is accounted for, and you just can't justify the extra £spends. If you know the cost of the round trip, that would be even more effective.

No sorry, no apologies. Be nice and polite but like - No.

I'm a non driver and do sometimes get collected or lifts, I always feel very privileged and never ever make the assumption. I give petrol money, or if not I'll pay it in another way so buy dinner etc. You're not her fucking chauffeur. 😊

Just use your words like a big girl.

Tell her you are having a drink so will meet her at the venue. And then keep doing it.

@Fraaahnces so many people’s dilemmas on this forum could be solved in this way

How old are the kids? Are the days dominated by the kids and she’s essentially a second pair of hands to help with them? If so, you should really be covering all her expenses!

She's completely oblivious, it's common especially when it has become a habit to give lifts
Have a gentle chat about needing her to start contributing to petrol costs now and then
If you leave it unsaid, resentment will build and she will have no idea that you are upset

I'd have a conversation with her. If she's a good friend she will apologise and pay.

The fact she rounded down what she owed you is awful!! She sounds super tight.

Bollocks that she 'doesn't realise' the costs of fuel, she's using you.

“How old are the kids? Are the days dominated by the kids and she’s essentially a second pair of hands to help with them? If so, you should really be covering all her expenses!”

Rounding down sounds a bit odd but overall: this. It’s hard to tell from your description quite what’s happening on these days out but overall it sounds like she doesn’t have children so she’s helping with childcare while you’re out. I wouldn’t ask for petrol money in those circumstances.

I would think she knows what she is doing but either is very tight with money or is mean and takes that you are paying for granted.

Just don't make plans when you have to pay upfront. She may tell you that she can't afford it and you will make the decision of you want to pay it or not.

In my case if the friendship is good I wouldn't mind to treat her every now and them but I will hate that she is taking me for granted.

If the friendship is meh, just don't make plans that involve money and she will disappear of your life like a mild scatter rainbow in a summer day.

Did you used to live closer, so lifts were easier and petrol was cheaper? However, as time has moved on, you live further away and petrol now costs money. If so, she has just accepted the old status quo, and not made any changes, and not even considered to offer petrol money.

Also, does she think you’re richer, so can afford it?

Or she’s just tight fisted.

I have a friend who always picks me up, I do drive but she’s the more confident driver. However, then I’ll buy the drinks etc .

I always book and plan where we go as she leaves it up to me with having the kids to think about.
Isn't that kind of her.
So it's not just the petrol money but the mental load, too? She needs to pull her weight a bit more. Let her plan something (after checking diaries, obviously) for a change.

What @Longsight2019 said.

It may just not have occurred to her.

Completely agree with this. She fully knows what she is doing.

I am also wondering about the kid situation though. She’s child free yes? How old are your children - you say she’s very helpful with them, are they quite young still? Are your activities always with the kids and not actually things she would chose to do? If I didn’t have kids I wouldn’t want to be doing kid oriented things all the time but it sounds like that’s what she’s doing. Does she think she’s doing you a favour coming along to help out? I just wonder if she’s got a different view of the situation and thinks she’s helping you out.

She’s not stupid or oblivious, and she knows exactly what she’s doing.

Rounding down the ticket price says it all. You supplying lunch and her not offering to buy a pot of tea or ice creams etc is extremely tight.

I would speak to her. There are lots of ways you could say it kindly, but you must use the opportunity to get your point across load and clear.

But it’s all how you say it!!

My approach would be to say with the cost of living crisis bla bla bla, things are pretty bad, would you possibly mind paying half of your share on cups of tea, food, ice cream or whatever.

With the petrol (and wear and tear of your car), a total of two 2-hour round trips has got to be £20(?), so it’s got to be £10 at the very least.

If she genuinely holds the friendship in high regard, she will understand and she will want to maintain the friendship.

If she’s just a tight-fisted piss-taker, you will get your answer.

Well just to put the flip side of this, I do drive and have a car but prefer to use public transport (for the sake of the environment and also it's just more comfortable for long journeys and convenient for city centres). When I go out with friends, they will often announce they are driving and will pick me up. It would be rude to insist on getting the train on my own and barely any cheaper for them in the car if I weren't in the car. They are none of them hard up people so I don't offer petrol or parking in this scenario. I am sure friend thinks I'm tight for this but last time we went in her car she tried to turn right into a stream of oncoming 40 mph traffic and I had to scream at her to stop. I was jammed into her tiny car with the front seat as far forward as it would go, and would have been seriously injured if we'd actually crashed. Meanwhile it would have been free to use my bus pass on the bus and it would have dropped us closer to the theatre. But she hates public transport so... we drive.

I do buy extra food/drinks to say thank you for the driving, but honestly I resent the car driver imposing choices on me.

Are all of your trips out with the children? Maybe she is on here somewhere posting that she never gets the chance to see her friend without their children and do adult activities or have deep conversations.

If you need the money and are struggling to pay for the petrol, just be honest and tell her. A good friend will understand and start chipping in for petrol.
If you don’t need the money, I’d suck it up and consider it your compromise to maintain the friendship. It seems as if hers is never getting to choose what you do together.

You haven’t said why you made the packed lunch, but unless she asked for it, it seems odd to hold that against her. There are very few circumstances in which I’d prefer a packed lunch to just grabbing stuff while we are out, so if she didn’t ask for it she may not have wanted it.

Does she do other things for you that may well balance out the fuel and favours?

Unless you mean she rounded down by pennies, eg if I owed such a close friend £20.20 I wouldn't think anything if transferring £20, wouldn't even notice if a friend did the same to me.

Why not pay the amount you actually owe though?! It is very rude.

You don't get to Tesco and say 'this shop is £20.20, here's £20.'

Why do that to a friend?

Because in a decent friendship you are generous to each other so 20p here and there is balanced out?