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Original poster

Should my friend not offer fuel money automatically?

37 replies

Daisyduke90 · 23/07/2023 02:37

So I have a friend that I’ve know since preschool. We went to primary and secondary school together too so there is a strong connection there. I enjoy her company and we always have a great time together but since having kids and getting married I'm starting to resent the fact that she always assumes I will pick her up and drop her home because she doesn’t drive and now I live further away (1 hour round trip) from her but she has never once offered to pay fuel money ! I always book and plan where we go as she leaves it up to me with having the kids to think about. The other day she forgot to pay me the cash for the tickets we got so she bank transferred the ticket money across but just rounded it down and it didn’t even cover the ticket money plus I packed a lunch for us all. She’s great with the kids and always helps me out when we take them out together which is super helpful but I can’t help but feel used sometimes and that she just feels entitled to lifts and doesn’t take into account I’m going out of my way to collect and drop her home plus the cost of fuel to do this. AIBU to bring this up and potentially lose out on a lifelong friendship or make things permanently awkward and never the same again ? Also will take suggestions of how to approach this sensitively !

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 23/07/2023 15:17

Hmmm.... well do you ever go to her house for an afternoon, or do things that are local and convenient for her to get to?

It seems as though you are expecting her to do the travelling, perhaps because you need to go kid friendly places? Does she have children too, or do the meet-ups always revolve around your children?

There's not really enough information here to give an opinion.

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 23/07/2023 15:26

The next time I picked her up I would go straight to the petrol station to fill up and mention the cost of driving at that point.

MidnightMeltdown · 23/07/2023 15:38

I think if she doesn't have children herself, then it's probably a drag for her to always have to go to child friendly places and help entertain your kids, even if she's too polite to say.

She probably wants to see you, but you need to bare in mind that these aren't necessarily places that she would choose to go. Most people I know would get dp to have the kids if they were going out with a friend.

I think if you're trying to combine meeting a friend with a day out for the kids, then it's unreasonable for you to expect her to pay petrol.

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 19:14

If you would rather skirt around the issue you could say to meet somewhere in the middle next time, as you are trying to cut back on fuel costs. Then that leads into asking for pooling in for petrol when going places together. She think you are going places with the children with or without her, meaning free ride

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 21:05

Those that don't drive often forget it's a cost because they think petrol is so much cheaper than train or taxi (and don't notice the huge running costs of car)

Next time she asks for a list or you has to discuss expenses say I haven't asked you in the past I realize put petrol is really expensive so I'd appreciate if we can split costs. This journey will be £15 each. There is not a chance she'd argue with that

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 21:09

deplorabelle · 23/07/2023 08:36

Well just to put the flip side of this, I do drive and have a car but prefer to use public transport (for the sake of the environment and also it's just more comfortable for long journeys and convenient for city centres). When I go out with friends, they will often announce they are driving and will pick me up. It would be rude to insist on getting the train on my own and barely any cheaper for them in the car if I weren't in the car. They are none of them hard up people so I don't offer petrol or parking in this scenario. I am sure friend thinks I'm tight for this but last time we went in her car she tried to turn right into a stream of oncoming 40 mph traffic and I had to scream at her to stop. I was jammed into her tiny car with the front seat as far forward as it would go, and would have been seriously injured if we'd actually crashed. Meanwhile it would have been free to use my bus pass on the bus and it would have dropped us closer to the theatre. But she hates public transport so... we drive.

I do buy extra food/drinks to say thank you for the driving, but honestly I resent the car driver imposing choices on me.

This is also good input to consider

DreamTheMoors · 26/02/2024 03:38

VelvetLiesAndChickenPies · 23/07/2023 03:17

Next time you make plans, just say - what time do you want to meet at X?

If she suggests lifts/picking her up, I'd just say your petrol budget is accounted for, and you just can't justify the extra £spends. If you know the cost of the round trip, that would be even more effective.

No sorry, no apologies. Be nice and polite but like - No.

I'm a non driver and do sometimes get collected or lifts, I always feel very privileged and never ever make the assumption. I give petrol money, or if not I'll pay it in another way so buy dinner etc. You're not her fucking chauffeur. 😊

This.
Do NOT say, I’m sorry, I can’t…” or “I’m sorry, I really wish I could, but…”
Instead, say, “No. That doesn’t work for me. I can’t afford…” or “No. I don’t have the extra…”
People apologise far too much when it should be the recipient apologising.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/02/2024 05:41

Of course yanbu to ask any friendship that could be ruined by that isn't very strong. Give her a chance and don't be too angry she hasn't offered as until someone tells them non drivers have no idea how expensive petrol is

Justleaveitblankthen · 26/02/2024 05:54

If I was childless I would consider it boring to always be with my friend and her children.
I think my limit would be once 😂

You say she is great with them, but maybe she thinks she is already doing you a service by being an extra guardian/entertainer?

I would definitely ask her outright next time: "Are you OK to go halves on the petrol friend?"

It's easy to work out the costs with a Google or an App.

crew2022 · 26/02/2024 06:03

I agree with @Longsight2019
I find friends who don't drive are not really aware of the time it adds to a trip to 'just pick them up' or 'just drop them off'. They don't pay for petrol so are not aware of costs.
The rounding down is weird though, especially if you did lunch? Maybe she does feel she pays her way in childcare?

ObsidianTree · 26/02/2024 06:26

Zombie ... And the op didn't even come back the first time!

Snowfalling · 26/02/2024 06:31

SusanBetty · 23/07/2023 06:24

The fact she rounded down what she owed you is awful!! She sounds super tight.

Bollocks that she 'doesn't realise' the costs of fuel, she's using you.

Agree. Did you not point out that she had underpaid you?

She is very entitled. Tell her you can't pick her up due to petrol costs.

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