Non-proactive husband during holidays... are they all like this?

[Poodlepops]

Both my husband and I are teachers. So, each year, we have 6 weeks off work together with our children.

I can never get him to think of or plan a thing. It's infuriating. I ask for his input for plans, ideas for what we're going to do for the holidays/ how to budget for all the free time we have/ whether or not to put the children into holiday club for a day or two etc but he just distracts from any conversation about planning at all and changes the subject.

This then means we don't know what we're doing from one day to the next. He'll get up and just want to make decisions on the day. But even then, all I'm met with is "don't know."

If I take control and say "right, let's do X" he'll suddenly find reasons for us not to do it, or say yes and become passive aggressive, sulky and difficult to get moving. It's like he doesn't want to make any decisions but is then offended if I try to take control and make any. I find it very odd. I feel we're so lucky to get 6 weeks of family time each year and we could be doing so much more to make the most of it, but down to him, I think we would all be sat infront of the TV wondering what to do until 2pm each day.

And then he's becoming obstinate and obstructive if I make the decisions. It's depressing. I go off a day or two a week to do things with friends or on my own, which is great, he will also spend a day or two playing golf or watching the football etc so we get time apart. But all this forced family time together just feels so disappointing when he's so reluctant to even think about it.

What's the point in us all spending time together if he makes it so unproductive and miserable? Should I just ditch him, make plans and occupy the kids on my own?

Can you split the time? Ie each responsible for one week at a time? That way you can sort your aide of things out.

What's he like the rest of the time? Sounds maddening tbh.

Have you talked with him about how he'd like the holidays to go?

Yep not weird that. I also planned the family holidays on my house mostly because I’m a control freak! 😂
good suggestion above lambs week each and get the kids involved, ( assuming they are older),

he won’t want to look a chump in front of the lids

I know as a teacher that I need a good couple of weeks doing nothing just to recharge.

Perhaps he needs the same and doesn't feel the need to fill every day with an agenda?

Could you agree to spend the first couple of weeks very low key and then plan things later on?

If he doesn't agree to that though, just ditch him and make your own plans.

He literally will say a couple of things like "go to X museum" and then everything else is "don't know." He'll sigh as if he's offended that I'm even asking him. I ask him to choose a day to go to "X museum" and all I get is "whenever."

He's stagnant.
No enthusiasm or motivation whatsoever.

"I making plans for mon and wed. We can come with me and the kids or stay home.
You need to make plans for Tues and Thur.
on friday we will do the shopping and go to the park".

Just tell him and if he is being a twat / fun sponge on "your days" pack the car with everything quietly then just chuck the kids in and leave him.

I think a lot of men are like this. The memes about women sorting holidays and the men just turning up on the day having had everything done for them infuriate me.
Personally I would just make my own plans fore and DC and leave him out of it. But I don't know if thats making a rod for your own back. You could maybe try it for a week - just tell him you're taking them out on Monday and Tuesday so he needs to entertain them weds and Thurs... How do you think that would go?

It's difficult @Loafbeginsat60 as we have two young children to entertain (7 and 5) one of whom has ADHD so it's just not that easy to spend each day slowly waiting for ideas to surface. We need a but of structure and planning for our sanity. For his sanity. As he'll no doubt just sit on his arse yelling at the kids otherwise.

I think he'd just nod and agree @aboutbloodytime123 then arrange to spend the days with his parents who will sort out and plan his days for him

Do you want

• not to have to plan everything?
• for him to care about family life and lean in?

If its not to plan anything- let the inlaws help and give you a break 🤷🏻‍♀️

If its a personality transplant you're hoping for you'll be waiting a long time. You can't make him care

DH will plan days out sometimes, but rarely a holiday. But he is helpful about planning if I start the process - so he'll book tickets or a hotel or a campsite, once I have said, Let's go to X on Y dates. He's positive and gathers dc clothes to wash and pack, for example, or buys snacks for trips, or sorts travel insurance, without being asked.

How did you manage to have 2 dc with him?
He has no interest in family life. Just do your own thing. Take your dc to all the places you want to. Leave him to see his dps. Make sure they know he chose this option..

I think you need to talk to him and ask him why he does this.

explain it’s ruining your time off. You could be getting on a plane for 6 weeks to somewhere lovely. You could be doing all sorts of things with your precious time off and it sounds like he’s ruining it. Talk, explain and seek why he does it to find a compromise.

if he refuses to, I’d seriously consider your options but would absolutely be then doing activities as I planned them with the kids and not hanging around for him

Why are you concerned whether they are 'all like this', @Poodlepops ? What difference would it make to you if we said yes? What difference would it make if we said no?

My DH is like this. He also has no concept about what it takes to get 2dc out for the day, he won't think of water, snacks, sun cream, change of clothes, hats etc. He'll forget we need to plan a lunch or be somewhere we can buy something.

So my strategy now is just to plan something and ask if he wants to come.

To care more and lean in @Totalwasteofpaper 😬

He’s a lazy sack of shit who doesn’t do anything because he knows then someone else (women) will sort it out.

And he really doesn’t care.

Then i personally think you are on a hiding to nothing.
You cannot change his core values or opinions and you cannot make him care

Sorry ❤️‍🩹

This is my husband too, avoids making plans, gets miffed if I make plans. Would ideally sit and watch tv till 2pm and then when the kids are going stir crazy and I say “please can we go somewhere” he will announce that he needs to shower first and we won’t leave the house till 4pm!

This year I’m trying a new summer plan, Mondays are in-law days, MIL can plan stuff.

Tuesdays are local - swimming, library, park etc.

Weds - days out further afield

Thursdays - play dates

Fridays - Gymnastics club and then play at home.

So I’m organising 5 days out and 5 play dates (as we are away for 1 week) and then everything else is more routine/no planning needed.

I can’t say this will work brilliantly but I’m trying it!

@Marmaladesarnie I’m going to use your weekly plan - thanks!

He wants you to get fed up with him, make plans to take the kids out for the day and tell him he doesn’t have to come, then you do all the work and childcare and he gets to laze about at home. He’s being horrible and refusing to engage and making it all awful so you’ll clear off out of his hair every day.

Love this plan @Marmaladesarnie
I'll schedule in a weekly playdate day at ours too. The miserable git will love that 😂

I sometimes wonder if he's doing that too @spitefulandbadgrammar and then the irony is that if I take them somewhere half decent without him, he complains he's had to miss out 🤯.

It's like he's demand avoidant or inherently oppositional or something.

I'm going to be in a minority here but, as a teacher myself, I can't be fun or exciting in the first week or two of the holiday. I know the kids (just one so far in my case) need it but I'm empty.

Your dh could be a boring and selfish loser or maybe he's just exhausted.

I like pp's suggestion of alternate weeks. But to be fair and give you both time to recharge, let grandparents (if available) take charge for the first week. Or, like we have just done, go away to an all-inclusive type holiday for the first week. (I work in a school with shorter terms so it's also cheaper that way)

I must admit I get grouchier and obstructive if dh tries to jolly me when I'm grumpy and exhausted. I need my time to just grump about for a few days.

My h is like this 😩😩

Rarely suggests stuff to do but if I do he is negative about it . And when he's