How long should you keep a grudge?

[NotEspeciallyHappyValley]

Nine years ago I did a foolish thing. We talked it through and I apologised. I thought we moved on but my DW brings it up constantly. Sometimes in jest but often with a nasty undertone

Nine years ago we (us and our DS7 at the time) were due to go on holiday. Unfortunately DW broke her ankle a few weeks before we were due to go. This meant she couldn’t go - even if she wanted to the airline wouldn’t take her with a plaster cast and she wasn’t insurable. I’ll be honest - I was gutted, I’d really been looking forward to the break. Talking about it my DW suggested that I go with DS and she stay with her parents, so that’s what we did. DS and I had a fab time, really special time with the two of us. Lots of memories like drinking coke in the bar, eating chicken wings and watching ice hockey on the TV!!

Turns out she didn’t expect me to agree and was furious I went. Keeps talking about being abandoned and left. Everytime we have an argument she brings it up. I’ve apologised - and learnt from my mistake - but there’s nothing I can do to change that decision.
In crude terms when is it time to put up or shut up? If it’s a deal breaker then tell me. But after nine years we need to somehow deal with it.

Were you unfaithful?

No. Not at all. Never. I’ve asked her directly - she doesn’t suspect me of that.
I went on holiday without her and spent the time hanging out with my DS.

She doesn't like you and hasn't for a long, long time.

It's not about the holiday at this point, for her you are lacking something and she has lost respect for you.

Ah. She's one of them. Does she tell you not to bother with big gifts for birthdays then kick off when she's not made a fuss of and spoiled?
'I want you to do something but I'll tell you I want the exact opposite'?

You did nothing wrong. At the time she encouraged you to go. You didnt want to disappoint the child. Why shouldn’t you have gone? She needs to stop bringing it up and let it go or split up if its resentment. Dont live with this constantly hanging over you. You only have one life

Honestly she sounds horrible! She shouldn't have suggested that option as some sort of "test" she didn't expect you to fail - she's being ridiculous. Especially to hold a grudge about it 9 years later? Surely the most important thing is your son had a fantastic time?

She needs to either get over it and not mention it again or I think it would be something I'd be in several minds about leaving DH over. Especially if it's being brought up multiple times with nasty undertones - sounds like she doesn't like you as PP said.

You did absolutely nothing wrong imo!

She’s being absolutely ridiculous and petty. Wtf were you supposed to do? She told you to go with your DS. You and DS had a nice boys bonding session, nothing untoward happened and life carried on.

You are absolutely not in the wrong here. If she’s still bringing it up after 9 years then she seriously needs to STFU and life on.

In my view your wife is being unreasonable and you didn't do anything foolish.

She, as an adult, told you it was ok for you to take your son on holiday. It's odd that a grown adult cannot simply state what they want/need, and instead expect others to read their minds.

As to what you should do about this situation is unfathomable to me, as I know neither of you not your other circumstances.

Maybe ask her what’s underneath the grudge? She is obviously still tormenting herself too by remembering some feeling from that time.
Maybe it’s not even about you really.

Is she the step-mother or biological mum? If her own son then she is being utterly ridiculous than if a step-mum. It was her idea, you did as you were told. She really needs to get over it

Sounds like there’s a lot more to this, possibly something you’re unaware of? How has your relationship been in general recently?

If there isn’t, holding a grudge for nine years and being all passive-aggressive about it is totally ridiculous. I’d bring it up with your wife and ask her why she keeps referring to it. Perhaps it’s become a ‘habit’ of hers, a weird way to easily criticise you when she’s unhappy.

Is this the only thing you have supposedly done "wrong" in those 9 years and it is all she has to use against you in an argument?

You didn't do anything wrong at all. She agreed to it and you were able to give your DS a lovely holiday. It sounds like she doesn't like you much. Maybe it's time to call it a day?

The important thing was the holiday dow the child.

Child was happy and had a great time.

You were happy and had a great time.

She got to spend time on her own and rest and relax and it was her choice to enjoy being with her parents or not.

To carry on a pathetic grudge at all let alone for this long shows she is immature, jealous and unpleasant.

Now your child is older if I were you I would go on holiday again without her only this time don't come back! Enjoy a new life without her the albatross around your neck.

Excellent advice!

Stop apologizing and stand by your decision to go on the trip.

If it’s a deal breaker then tell me

This isn't how life works. There's no guidelines about what's a dealbreaker, what's acceptable, what's ok, what's not ok. This is about you.

It's like me posting to ask 'Is it ok not to eat broccoli?' It's my decision what I do, what I like, and what I want to do about it.

You're looking for external validation, and this needs to be internal. So, is it a dealbreaker for you, that she's behaving in this way?

You’re wife needs to let it go. You done nothing wrong.

When I was Ill before a holiday, I told DH to take DS on his own if I couldn’t go. Thankfully I was better.

is she always hard work?

You did nothing wrong. She wasn't abandoned. That she keeps beating you with this petty stick so many years on says more of her than you.

go on permanent holiday from your DW, dump her.

That's a long grudge! Even if she was a bit miffed (I don't know why) she should have got over it by now, plus she SUGGESTED it. She wasn't abandoned, she went to her parents

It sounds to me like this is a communication issue at the very least. If there are other things/behaviours/grudges that are underneath this, it clearly needs sorting out. Only you can decide if it's a relationship worth fighting for. If you value everything else about your relationship then therapy together might be a way forward, but you both have to believe and want it to work.

I think a good motivator for her to drop it once and for all will be to say, if you are able to not bring this up/throw it at me for the next 2 years then I will book another holiday for just us two. If however you are unable to keep using this against me then I really will abandon you!

Don’t apologise - she was cared for by her parents and her child and you were able to go on the holiday. She should be happy the child had a nice time and spent quality and memorable time with his dad.

I would say to her: I am not a mind reader, I did exactly as you invited me to do, I spent quality time with ds - and your current shitty behaviour is making me want to abandon you for real, for ever.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Ridiculous she’s harping on about it almost a decade later

She had a child free week to recover and the holiday wasn’t wasted? Sounds great.

*eyes the stairs, what if I tripped over a suitcase 😎