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Original poster

How long should you keep a grudge?

39 replies

NotEspeciallyHappyValley · 22/07/2023 19:35

Nine years ago I did a foolish thing. We talked it through and I apologised. I thought we moved on but my DW brings it up constantly. Sometimes in jest but often with a nasty undertone

Nine years ago we (us and our DS7 at the time) were due to go on holiday. Unfortunately DW broke her ankle a few weeks before we were due to go. This meant she couldn’t go - even if she wanted to the airline wouldn’t take her with a plaster cast and she wasn’t insurable. I’ll be honest - I was gutted, I’d really been looking forward to the break. Talking about it my DW suggested that I go with DS and she stay with her parents, so that’s what we did. DS and I had a fab time, really special time with the two of us. Lots of memories like drinking coke in the bar, eating chicken wings and watching ice hockey on the TV!!

Turns out she didn’t expect me to agree and was furious I went. Keeps talking about being abandoned and left. Everytime we have an argument she brings it up. I’ve apologised - and learnt from my mistake - but there’s nothing I can do to change that decision.
In crude terms when is it time to put up or shut up? If it’s a deal breaker then tell me. But after nine years we need to somehow deal with it.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 22/07/2023 21:27

Get rid, you didn’t do anything wrong.

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 21:33

SnarfleThree · 22/07/2023 21:25

She had a child free week to recover and the holiday wasn’t wasted? Sounds great.

*eyes the stairs, what if I tripped over a suitcase 😎

Yes! 😁

5128gap · 22/07/2023 21:34

Next time she brings it up tell her that you have already said everything you have to say on the subject and listened to all she has to say and wont be discussing it again. Repeat as necessary, but otherwise refuse to engage. If necessary, walk away.
You may worry this will escalate the bad feeling, but quite honestly she sounds like a selfish and difficult woman, so you probably don't have much to lose.

Wallywobbles · 22/07/2023 22:00

So what you actually failed to do was read her mind. Go figure. I'd be responding with absolutely cutting sarcasm.

She was fucking stupid to tell you to go if she didn't mean it. Take this stance and stop taking her shit.

Dery · 22/07/2023 22:01

I’m against holding grudges generally. Grudge-holders tend to focus on other people’s flaws and ignore their own.

Your mistake here is that you have been apologetic about this. Stop apologising. You did nothing wrong. You say - lesson learnt. But what lesson? Because you did nothing wrong. There is a huge lesson for her - don’t tell your partner to take a holiday with your shared DC if you don’t want them to take it. In her shoes, there’s no way I’d’ve stopped you taking that holiday. She sounds very selfish and rather immature.

By apologising, you’ve bought into her narrative that you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong. I suggest that you stop apologising. Start standing up for yourself. Say you’re not discussing it any more and stick to that. Stop letting her use this as a stick to beat you with.

whatchagonnado · 22/07/2023 22:07

She's been punishing you long enough on this now. I don't think you should feel remotely guilty for going on the holiday with your DS. You asked her and she told you it was fine with her - amazing she expected you not to go after that.
She needs to start behaving in an emotionally mature way. She's being ridiculous. I would tell her directly to knock this on the head once and for all

Lesina · 22/07/2023 22:11

You did nothing wrong and she sounds like a self obsessed lunatic. Tell her to do one and leave :)

CatchHimDerry · 22/07/2023 22:19

Like PP I wonder is this also her DS, OP?

If he’s step-son possible some resentment been brewing away there at the root of it?

Original poster
NotEspeciallyHappyValley · 22/07/2023 22:28

Our DS belongs to both of us!

OP posts:
ironorchids · 22/07/2023 22:42

TomatoSandwiches · 22/07/2023 19:38

She doesn't like you and hasn't for a long, long time.

It's not about the holiday at this point, for her you are lacking something and she has lost respect for you.

This seems most likely to me.

This is not the main thing she is holding against you. It's something else.

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 22:46

How can she begrudge her own son!

Eglatina · 22/07/2023 23:13

Dery · 22/07/2023 22:01

I’m against holding grudges generally. Grudge-holders tend to focus on other people’s flaws and ignore their own.

Your mistake here is that you have been apologetic about this. Stop apologising. You did nothing wrong. You say - lesson learnt. But what lesson? Because you did nothing wrong. There is a huge lesson for her - don’t tell your partner to take a holiday with your shared DC if you don’t want them to take it. In her shoes, there’s no way I’d’ve stopped you taking that holiday. She sounds very selfish and rather immature.

By apologising, you’ve bought into her narrative that you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong. I suggest that you stop apologising. Start standing up for yourself. Say you’re not discussing it any more and stick to that. Stop letting her use this as a stick to beat you with.

Yep agree. Perhaps you need to let her know you're not actually sorry that you acted in good faith on her suggestion and gave your son a good holiday, while she was being well looked after! Have a chat about honest and open communication about feelings. Ask her if there's something else that's bothering her about your relationship, because you can't understand why she's so hung up on this one aspect and you want to sort it out (if you do?). Otherwise you are just feeding her position that you were in the wrong and fuelling the grudge.

Daphnis156 · 23/07/2023 18:01

Your question was how long should you hold a grudge.

My answer is:
Forever; or until you find it just doesn't matter anymore.
This can as long as 30 years

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 18:15

Daphnis156 · 23/07/2023 18:01

Your question was how long should you hold a grudge.

My answer is:
Forever; or until you find it just doesn't matter anymore.
This can as long as 30 years

What about 31 years? Big no-no?

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