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Original poster

Bitter and Disappointed

35 replies

MyHaitianDivorce · 22/07/2023 13:38

This will be long I'm afraid.
I'm mum to 2 adults, each of whom is married and they both have children of similar age (under 8), DGC1 and DGC2.
DGC1 and family live about a 40 minute drive away, and DGC2 are just around the corner. They chose to move here from much further away. Pre-school I gave equal childcare help with both DGCs and love them both equally. I see DGC2 at least twice a week after school to help out, but only see DGC1 occasionally, ie maybe once or twice a month, although we holidayed with them earlier in the year.
DD has just had a meltdown with me over how much I see DGC2 and not her child, and am so much closer to them as a result.
Pointing out that both couples have chosen whether or not to live close by didn't seem to register, and she is bitter, angry and resentful.
I have been on the verge of tears since this, as I always thought we had a really good, close relationship. Now I feel as though I'm a terrible mother and even worse grandparent.
Wise women, what can I do to make her feel better. She and her child are not, and never have been, second place.

OP posts:
TurnerP · 22/07/2023 14:34

Try to see her perspective, she's feeling hurt, jealous and left out. Do not think or feel bad about yourself, if you were either of those things then she wouldn't be upset. What she is trying to ask for is more time with her & gc2. See if you can arrange more frequent visits. She is overlooking the practicalities and objective situation. She clearly loves you very much

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 14:36

I meant gc1!

Seaoftroubles · 22/07/2023 14:55

Both your children are lucky that you are involved with your grandchildren that you have helped with both and love both equally. You help out with DGC 2 after school which is why you are there more often. You don't say why you only see DGC once a month, whose decision was that? Not knowing the whys and wherefores its hard to advise, but perhaps you could up your visits to see your daughter and DGC1? You certainly aren't a bad Mum or Granny, quite the opposite in fact!

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 22/07/2023 16:21

Your daughter needs to grow up. She's being unreasonable. What exactly does she expect you to do?

Original poster
MyHaitianDivorce · 22/07/2023 16:32

Thank you so much for your replies.
I do understand her feelings, and that she is upset for her child.
As a family they are always busy - she feels she has to always have a full diary.
As an example, we had DGC1 to stay a few weeks ago, but they couldn't bring her till late afternoon as they were busy, then they asked us to take her to a party. Late home, straight to bed, and they collected her at 9.30 next morning because they had something else planned for her.
I do feel we do our best, and it's just not good enough.
I suppose my problem is how to get her to understand that.
A lot of it is driven by sibling rivalry I think. They are very different in outlook and it isn't helped by the fact that DH and DS work together, whereas her work world is completely different.
I will try to make more time for them, but will have to be careful to make sure it doesn't seem forced or that I'm over-compensating.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyHaitianDivorce · 22/07/2023 17:31

Doggie, I don't know what she expects me to do, but I strongly suspect she'd like me to not see DGC2 and family. Not happening. I'm not risking my relationship with them to appease her.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 22/07/2023 17:36

I totally agree you shouldn't see your other DGC less.

Do you drive? 40 minutes isn't that far in the scheme of things - could you offer to drive over at tea time and stay to help with bath in the week? Or offer to babysit so she and DH can go out on a Friday night?

Watchkeys · 22/07/2023 17:37

She's taking it personally, but it's not about her.

Don't you take her outburst personally, it's not about you.

Wait for her to calm down, and then ask her what she wants from you that you're not giving her. Respect her needs, even if you can't cater for them. She needs to feel heard.

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 17:57

If she doesn't follow through with you suggesting more effort/time made for visits with gc1, then sadly it will just show her sibling rivalry doing the talking and you will know that you are not at fault, and have done your best.

Seaoftroubles · 22/07/2023 18:00

If your daughter's family are always busy with lots of activities then she needs come up with some times when it would be convenient for you to see your DGC. And definitely don't see you other DGC less. I had a feeling sibling rivalry might be involved but try listen calmly and then between you try to reach a solution.

Stratocumulus · 22/07/2023 18:03

So ask her ….

“this is clearly a problem for you, so in practical terms, what’s the/your solution?”

See what she suggests.

Winter2020 · 22/07/2023 18:30

My sister lives near my mum and dad. Near our old home town. I live an hour and a half away. My mum helps with childcare and school runs for my sister, my sister pops in to say hi at other times, her husband helps my parents as he is handy and my mum often cooks them Sunday dinner.

I have chose not to live near my mum and dad and to expect to have this level of contact/time spent would be completely ridiculous. If I want to see my mum and dad multiple times a week and benefit from their regular help I would need to choose to live near them.

I don't feel any less loved or second best though. I just live further away. The very odd time I go to them, maybe once twice a year now as I have kids in school and work weekends and my teenager always has plans. Once or twice a year they come over to us. Once or twice a year we meet somewhere for a day out and once or twice we holiday together so we probably see them 6-8 times a year but we have quality time when we do. My sister and her family usually come to meet ups and are always welcome to.

What I think would be really sad is if you choose to see your local family less. Please don't do that. See them every day if you and they want that. Tell your daughter "I'd love to see you several times a week - come and live nearby!"

Also don't agree to arrangements that become a burden for you like going over every weekend. It's too much (unless you actually want to). I wouldn't want to go to my parents every weekend. Not because I don't love them but because my home is here not there.

Your daughter is being very unreasonable and quite cruel actually.

Original poster
MyHaitianDivorce · 22/07/2023 18:33

Visiting after school is tricky, as I work 2 days a week, and do the childcare on another two, and the fifth is their family time.

When the emotional dust has settled I will ask her what solution she would like to see.
DGC1 is on holiday with DCG2 and family soon, and then with DD, so I'll wait till they are back.

Thank you again for your input.
I just want her to be content.

OP posts:
Lefteyetwitch · 22/07/2023 18:33

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 14:34

Try to see her perspective, she's feeling hurt, jealous and left out. Do not think or feel bad about yourself, if you were either of those things then she wouldn't be upset. What she is trying to ask for is more time with her & gc2. See if you can arrange more frequent visits. She is overlooking the practicalities and objective situation. She clearly loves you very much

The the adult here can get in a car or transport and get her child to her grandmother. This is on her only and not OP. She is doing enough.

LunaLula83 · 22/07/2023 18:35

This!

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 18:37

Lefteyetwitch · 22/07/2023 18:33

The the adult here can get in a car or transport and get her child to her grandmother. This is on her only and not OP. She is doing enough.

Show quote history

That is why I suggested to see if OP can arrange more visits - between them both ways, not all on the OP. More effort from DD is needed

SeulementUneFois · 22/07/2023 18:39

MyHaitianDivorce · 22/07/2023 17:31

Doggie, I don't know what she expects me to do, but I strongly suspect she'd like me to not see DGC2 and family. Not happening. I'm not risking my relationship with them to appease her.

OP

If that is what she wants, then she doesn't want her child to have more, she just wants her niece/nephew to have less.
Which is bad. That's not a good person.

I would definitely not comply with that.

renamedbutsame · 22/07/2023 18:40

Just drive. Drive equally to the number 1

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 22/07/2023 18:41

Send her links to houses close to you. Ask her what else she thinks is in your power to have things differently..

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 18:42

MyHaitianDivorce · 22/07/2023 18:33

Visiting after school is tricky, as I work 2 days a week, and do the childcare on another two, and the fifth is their family time.

When the emotional dust has settled I will ask her what solution she would like to see.
DGC1 is on holiday with DCG2 and family soon, and then with DD, so I'll wait till they are back.

Thank you again for your input.
I just want her to be content.

When you have this talk it would be good for you to express how hurt your feelings were, no DD should bring their DM to tears

BlushBlue · 22/07/2023 18:47

I suspect there is more to it than this and your son has always been closer and benefitted from that closeness.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/07/2023 18:50

@MyHaitianDivorce Ah, a Steelye Dan fan looking at that user name maybe!!

Your daughter is being ridiculous- if you live further away then this is nearly always going to be the situation. I think you are doing just fine. Your daughter is clearly just feeling a bit down about it - it's not about quantity of time it's about quality of time.

Watchkeys · 22/07/2023 20:05

I just want her to be content

Does she want the same for you, @MyHaitianDivorce ? You're both adults now, she doesn't rely on you to make sure her life is happy anymore. It should be an equal and respectful relationship.

Original poster
MyHaitianDivorce · 22/07/2023 21:58

Oh yes, love a bit of Steely Dan.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyHaitianDivorce · 23/07/2023 20:58

It's worse than I thought.
DH spent hours last night wondering what could have happened to trigger this reaction, and came to the conclusion that it's possibly more about him than me.
Throughout their childhood he would often take DS to sporting events with his dad and brother, and because I wasn't interested in going he assumed DD wouldn't be either.
Unfortunately this has carried on, and there was an event recently that they had tickets for (as it happens they didn't go).
So he thinks, and I tend to agree, that this was the final straw. She's had 30 years of feeling rejected and not included by her dad, and now fears this is happening to her DD too.
DH is mortified and guilt ridden, and I'm also seriously to blame for never picking up on this.
So it looks like we have years of hurt and resentment to work through, and no idea where to start.

OP posts: