Bitter and Disappointed

[MyHaitianDivorce]

This will be long I'm afraid.
I'm mum to 2 adults, each of whom is married and they both have children of similar age (under 8), DGC1 and DGC2.
DGC1 and family live about a 40 minute drive away, and DGC2 are just around the corner. They chose to move here from much further away. Pre-school I gave equal childcare help with both DGCs and love them both equally. I see DGC2 at least twice a week after school to help out, but only see DGC1 occasionally, ie maybe once or twice a month, although we holidayed with them earlier in the year.
DD has just had a meltdown with me over how much I see DGC2 and not her child, and am so much closer to them as a result.
Pointing out that both couples have chosen whether or not to live close by didn't seem to register, and she is bitter, angry and resentful.
I have been on the verge of tears since this, as I always thought we had a really good, close relationship. Now I feel as though I'm a terrible mother and even worse grandparent.
Wise women, what can I do to make her feel better. She and her child are not, and never have been, second place.

It is a sad and sensitive matter..a gentle heart to heart is needed, and an apology for if she ever felt rejected and overlooked, try to up the quality time spent with both

If she wants to see you more then she shouldn't have moved further away.
She also chooses to be so busy so you are limited as to when you can see her - again her choice.
If you all loved the same difference from each other and you were only seeing / helping one then I could see her point. She's just jealous and needs to work that issue out herself!

I say this from my own experience. This was helpful for me, and I hope will be helpful for your relationship with your DD going forward.

You're right, we do need to talk. If we can do that without too many tears.

Should it just be her and me first, then bring in DH, or all three of us? I don't believe DS needs to be involved, as there's no quarrel with him.

We won't be seeing her for at least 4 weeks now, due to holidays, so maybe emotions may cool a little in that time.

Can I just be clear that DD is not, and never has been, selfish or cruel.
She finds it hard to be direct about how she feels and what she really thinks - a people pleaser who says what she thinks you want to hear.

I feel it would be best done between you two for now,as it may help her to slowly open up more about her feelings towards her dad also. This might be helpful for him too, to have you two talk alone first, to have you enlighten him more prior to him meeting her alone because you wouldn't want him to say the wrong thing or get the wrong end of the stick.
If she does find it difficult to express her feelings honestly and if you are really worried about emotions running high then her being away may make it an ideal time to talk through these issues/hurt via email or Facebook messenging, with that virtual distance there. What do you think to this?

We could do it via messaging. More time to consider what to say. I'll give it some thought. Thank you.

You're very welcome Good luck.

Could you host a family lunch every Sunday. It’s a beautiful tradition…since I moved to the UK I miss seeing my grandma once a week 😞

Maybe once a month - they all need their family time together to give attention to their children and do the things they want without being expected to give up half a much-needed weekend break.
I'll suggest it.

And it's not fair to inflict my cooking on them more than absolutely necessary