Single and pregnant -how to coparent with someone who has destroyed you whilst pregnant

[LD233]

Hi all. I have posted previously about this. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have had a terrible pregnancy due to my ex who has caused my intense emotional distress by leaving me at 16 weeks pregnant and getting back with his ex girlfriend (who has also antagonised me and been contacting me) and emotionally abusing me throughout.
I just found out she is 4 months pregnant with his baby and this has broken me again. The fact he's lied and been planning this new family with her and being there for her whilst she's pregnant whilst I've been struggling alone and our son isn't even born yet.

I was severely in a bad way when I found out and struggled ever since.

He also hasn't been here to support me at all whilst I've been pregnant - not seen him. but said wants to see his son whenever he wants when he's here and be at his birth which I have said no about the birth. As I don't want him at my birth and said he can see him once he's born. He's barking orders at me saying he will see him whenever he wants and he will be taking him whenever he wants. I have now blocked him as I cannot cope with the stress and told him to contact my mom for now.

I'm about to have my baby and I've blocked my ex at the moment and told him my mom will contact him and be the contact when our son is born as I am so hurt by his actions

I honestly don't know how I'll ever be able to be civil with him or see him again this is my first baby and just wanted some co-parenting tips when your so hurt and have been put through so much by your babys dad.
His girlfriend has also shown jealousy towards my son who isn't born yet and she tried to commit suicide infront of her current child (that he has with her a 3 year old) she did this when I found out he was with her in the first place, and I really do not want my son around her. I am very worried about my sons safety due to the way she is also.

Struggling with grief and my emotions and I feel so upset that my boy can feel what I'm feeling. Hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I have cried every single day.

Firstly your ex cannot take the baby whenever he wants.

If he's abusive and he wants to see your baby I would tell him the baby has arrived. Set up an email address that is just for him and only check it once a week. Maybe when you're with your DM.

Keep all of his abusive messages so far. You may need them as evidence if you apply for a Non-Molestation Order.

Phone or contact Womensaid and talk all of this through with them.

Are you planning on BFing OP? If you do BF he's unlikely to be awarded overnight stays until baby is at least 18 months.

And have you told your MW what's going on and how your feeling? It sounds as though you might need a bit of support to get over his bad treatment of you

Hi Thank you for the reply. I was going to try to breastfeed yes. And I have spoken to my midwife and going to start some counselling sessions as I'm not doing well at all x

Hello @LD233 we're so sorry you're in this situation. It's good that you've told your midwife as they will be able to help with support now and after your baby is born.

We're going to move your thread to Relationships now. Lots of posters there will have been in similar situations and hopefully can share their wisdom.

All the very best from MNHQ.

You won’t have to co-parent with him. He will evaporate like steam from a turd

Don't put him on the birth certificate and make sure baby has your own name. Probably best not to tell him when you are registering the birth as he might try and go with you.

My ex also left me when pregnant.

First, calm as much as you can now for your last few weeks of pregnancy. It's good that you have told him
You'll be in touch when baby is here.

Absolutely zero contact between you and new gf. Never contact her again and if she contacts you again, a friend of family member needs to tell her to stop it and if she does again you will speak to the police.

1-2 times a week max to visit baby is enough for the time being, say you will keep reviewing. If you need to outsource a family member like mum or best friend to do the admin with you then do (my parents were too angry at him to want to get involved!)

Be careful what you write in text and don't put him on the bc.

At this point I would keep ex blocked, instruct mum to not give any information out to him or his family. I wouldn’t be putting him on the birth certificate and I would be ensuring to give baby my surname and not giving him details of the birth.

IF (and it’s a big IF) he demonstrated in the future that he can be a decent person and offer a stable presence and be reasonable over co parenting then I would facilitate contact and encourage a relationship.

But can pretty much guarantee that once he realises he’ll have to go to court, spend time money and effort to get contact, he probably won’t bother.

Also OP, he hasn’t destroyed you. He’s upset you yes, you feel unwanted, rejected and disappointed. But don’t give someone that power over you. He sounds like a useless shit definitely and no doubt it is really upsetting. You can’t control his actions but you can control how you respond to it and how you decide to live your life.
You can take your power back by blocking them all and the only response you need to give is “if you want contract you’ll need to go to court”.

And how is that going to help the OP exactly? He can he his name put on the birth certificate later so makes no difference whatsoever.

@drpet49 if he bothers enough to go to court. In the meantime why would she give this man control over where she lives, whether she can leave the country etc etc

The counseling will really help. It takes a few weeks of going before it helps though so don't give up if the first couple of sessions feel like a waste of time

Randomly I have never watched fern from towies programme but I just read her ok magazine column today she's just had her second baby with a lovely man after being in our shoes with her first one. Was nice to read a positive story of all the happiness that could be there in the future x

Nc all the way. No bc. Not his surname. If he wants contact he can apply to the court. Your dc does not need to see such a man. Your dc does need a dm with good mh. And you need to concentrate on enjoying the rest of your pregnancy and enjoying bonding with your newborn. Your ex does not have rights at all currently.. Your pregnancy is your personal medical status. Not his business at all.

OP, I am so sorry you are in this situation and how awful that your ex left you during pregnancy.

I think this already shows what is to come and I wouldn't be surprised of all his talk will amount to nothing once thr baby is there.

But, for the time being, try not to worry about all the things that may or may not happen.

Focus on the last weeks of your pregnancy and the fact that you will have your son soon.

Everything else comes later.

You are going to be a mother, how amazing.

Don't let your twat of an ex ruin this amazing experience for you.

Middle finger up! How lucky your son is to have YOU as his mother, you will be his rock!

Take care

I bet he will just fade into the background once the baby is here. Some men just love the argy-bargey and drama. 'You can't take my kids away' etc.

DO NOT GIVE THE BABY HIS NAME.

Focus on yourself and your baby.

Play the game.
'Yes, you can see the baby, actually we are going to such and such park on Tuesday so it would be lovely to see you there'.

Meet at libraries, cafes etc. And ask him to meet you at wherever you are getting the baby weighed. That sort of thing. You don't have to have him round.

It's a lot to take in and I think it will take more months before you start feeling better and more settled. I don't think you'll notice it quickly - it will be a realisation one day that you haven't cried for a while and it will get less frequent from there.

Well done for taking proactive steps to help yourself.

I wouldn’t bother co parenting, they both seem to see you as an inconvenience both you and the baby, sorry to be blunt but I don’t think from what you have written that your son will be included in their lives, he’s just using the baby as a way to abuse and control you.
They both sound so toxic, do you really want to be involved with them both for the next 18 years? You and your baby are best off out of this situation.
Don’t put him on the birth certificate, move away, change your number and cut them both out.
Trust me you will feel loads better once your away from the pair of them.

Cut contact. Send him a letter and pic when baby is here "baby x, born on, weighing" and any other info. Keep it brief. Let him contact your mum after he wants to arrange contact. Don't give it his name. Apply for maintenance straight away via cms.
Only agree to what you're comfortable with.
I don't think I'd let him see the baby if he is liable to pick it up and walk off, but if he does report it straight away and stop contact on that basis.
If he wants contact he can arrange a court order.

The other baby mum is in for a shock to her cosy little set up when she realises he has to pay you maintenance and probably court fees. Her getting pregnant might not seem such a good idea then

Do not plan to co parent.
Do not keep him updated.
Do not engage at all.
Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Your baby means your surname.

Above all, time fades the pain and you will recover. Speaking from experience.

Concentrate on yourself and your son. Good luck op.

@LD233 - great advice above. He clearly thinks your baby is a possession, not a human being. Frankly, I’m not at all sure your baby would be safe with this man and his GF.

He left you in the lurch when pregnant and got his ex pregnant. Given his general viciousness and his indifference to your and the baby’s wellbeing, I don’t think he deserves to be involved. He has simply donated sperm. Keep the nasty messages from him and his GF as evidence but shut down all communication.

This, all of it.

It will mean she doesn’t have to organise with him when to register the birth and he won’t be there to pressure her into giving the baby the name he wants.

It's going to help her because they generally don't bother.

My son's father isn't on his birth certificate. Not ideal but he was full of threats re 100% custody and the like during pregnancy, tried pushing me down the stairs, dislocated his shoulder whilst trying to punch the wall and I moved, you know, that sort of thing...

24 years later. My son has never set eyes on him and he didn't ever take me to court for any of the things he threatened after all.

I gave my son my last name too.

Every word of this.

OP, my circumstances were similar to yours minus threats from the pregnant partner. I had no idea she existed at that time.

I had no family support, ended up homeless and living in a mother and baby home before being housed in a 2 bed HA flat.

It was a tough few years but we've never had any contact with my son's father - he rang when my son was 2 days old asking me for money. I laughed and said obviously not. That's the last time I spoke to him.

As I said, my son is now 24. Since he was born and we survived that horrible time, I went to university and got a first class degree, went back and got a Masters and now have a professional career. He has thrived. He also went to university and got a degree and is now in a far better place than I was at his age (he's not homeless with a newborn baby for a start).

Don't think you need to co-parent or have anything to do with this man. By the time his other baby is born, I doubt he'll have the time, money or inclination to raise his head above the parapet as far as you are concerned.

In your shoes, I wouldn't (and didn't) make any effort to do the 'decent' thing and keep him notified or involved. My mum told him when my baby was born but that was it. As far as I was concerned, the baby and I were my priority and he could sort himself out if he wanted. He didn't 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks so much everyone. Yes it's been such a hard time for my entire pregnancy - he really betrayed me and has just emotionally ruined me. But I am starting counselling and hoping that helps. Just focusing all my energy into my son x

Block him

block her

consider not naming him on the brith certificate
(although that means no financial support )

let that cunt take you to court for acess
personally id go it alone and NOT Co parent

good luck to him

any further aggro call police on him