Single and pregnant -how to coparent with someone who has destroyed you whilst pregnant

[LD233]

Hi all. I have posted previously about this. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have had a terrible pregnancy due to my ex who has caused my intense emotional distress by leaving me at 16 weeks pregnant and getting back with his ex girlfriend (who has also antagonised me and been contacting me) and emotionally abusing me throughout.
I just found out she is 4 months pregnant with his baby and this has broken me again. The fact he's lied and been planning this new family with her and being there for her whilst she's pregnant whilst I've been struggling alone and our son isn't even born yet.

I was severely in a bad way when I found out and struggled ever since.

He also hasn't been here to support me at all whilst I've been pregnant - not seen him. but said wants to see his son whenever he wants when he's here and be at his birth which I have said no about the birth. As I don't want him at my birth and said he can see him once he's born. He's barking orders at me saying he will see him whenever he wants and he will be taking him whenever he wants. I have now blocked him as I cannot cope with the stress and told him to contact my mom for now.

I'm about to have my baby and I've blocked my ex at the moment and told him my mom will contact him and be the contact when our son is born as I am so hurt by his actions

I honestly don't know how I'll ever be able to be civil with him or see him again this is my first baby and just wanted some co-parenting tips when your so hurt and have been put through so much by your babys dad.
His girlfriend has also shown jealousy towards my son who isn't born yet and she tried to commit suicide infront of her current child (that he has with her a 3 year old) she did this when I found out he was with her in the first place, and I really do not want my son around her. I am very worried about my sons safety due to the way she is also.

Struggling with grief and my emotions and I feel so upset that my boy can feel what I'm feeling. Hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I have cried every single day.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He sounds like a prize shot, as does his new gf.

Keep him blocked. D don't put him on the BC. Apply for CM.

Put yourself and the baby first.

I bet you never hear from him again.

My ds is 14 - blank space on his bc hasn't damaged him at all. Having a knob in his life would have.

I don't think not naming him on bc means no cms. He will just have to prove he isn't the dad which of course he is so he will still have to pay

Are you able to move before the baby is born? I don’t think you will see much of him once the baby is born.

He won't co-parent, he just wants to continue to be able to control you and will use your son to do so.
He does not have parental responsibility from birth, that is something he would get by being on the birth certificate. Given his threats to take the baby whenever he wants it is really important you do not allow him to register the baby with you. Let him go to court to get on the birth certificate and they may allow him set contact times which he must adhere to.
Give the baby only your surname, you can always change it later if dad steps up, once he has PR you can't change it without his agreement.
Contact NCDV about getting an order where he can't contact you and stay strong yourself and don't contact him. Good luck.

How are you feeling this morning @LD233. I hope the replies have given you a plan and some strength

Dear OP. You are strong and even though right now everything feels awful ... you will get through this. It sounds like you have family to help and hopefully some friends too.

As everyone has said, cut off all contact with his gf. You don't need to do anything with her and block her number so you don't receive any messages.

You don't have to have anyone at the birth that you don't want to have and so you should go ahead and have your baby without him even knowing when. Get someone to send him a message with pic afterwards.

You do not need to have him on the birth cert and if you can afford to not ask for maintenance then I would personally go down that road and ask him for nothing and leave his name off. Keep any interactions with him extremely short and to the point. Do not engage just if he asks for contact then reply and say yes at xx time my mum will be able to show you the baby sort of thing.

I'd be willing to bet he will lose interest rapidly and that will be that. Don't worry about court or lots of access right now. As it sounds like you want to bf then he won't be able to have the baby for any length of time anyway so just focus on you and your son. Good luck x

Mine didn't. The more I tried to get rid of him the more interested he became.

@Thisisworsethananticpated he doesn’t need to be named on the birth certificate in order for OP to claim financial support

That is far too much drama and disrespect you are getting from these idiots.
No way I would put his name in the birth certificate. No way I would update him of any shit. No way I would allow any contact.
Keep any messages you get. Place a complaint with police. Well done for reporting to the midwive.

@QuillBill has the right strategy. Please listen.

I had dc with a lunatic and I'm still paying the price in some ways.

Do not put his name on the birth cert, ride out whatever embarrassment you might feel at having ''unnamed'' in the box.

Also, as quillbill advises, act like you're cool with him being involved. Bet he never shows up to the library/park/gp's surgery/cafe.

Do not allow him to have the run of your home coming and going while he gets to go back to his family in a house where he has privacy and you will not be allowed! Think about it. You get to have a private boundaried space too.

Yeh, it can depend, you have to take a step back and assess, what's motivating them here.

In my x's case, it was to win against me. I was foolish and gave him the fight he wanted. His motivation was never to provide the children with love and support.

When I understood that he had no interest in the children and would take us all down as passengers to his desire to beat me, I changed tack and pretended we were co-parenting for a while. He wouldn't look me in the eye but I would hand over the children for a whole week. My son sent me emojis of a boy crying, it was torture. His interest dwindled.

But then, my x moved house without telling the children (or me) his new address. We now officially do not know where he lives. I actually do know, but I'm just parking it, allowing him to believe that he can't come out of the woodwork.

Omg first of all… I’m so sorry what a insert every swear word possible.
pregnancy is such a vulnerable time. I found it emotionally such a strain but once the hormones calm postpartum, it does get better. And your son will be the most magical thing that ever happened.

Your ex and his partner do not deserve a moment more of your time. What horrible people and honestly, though I know it doesn’t seem like it now, you will be so much better off without him. He’ll probably end up doing something terrible to the new partner.

As for the baby. Do not let him have his name on the birth certificate. You can also get a solicitor to help you. Perhaps contact them for some legal advice - it’s usually free, especially if you explain your situation.

talk to your gp or midwife, ask for support. If you can afford it maybe some therapy to help you get through this hard time.

sending love. All will be ok.

Oh yea and try and breastfeed if you can.

Thank you I am feeling ok just struggling with pregnancy symptoms as well as being emotional and stressed! I have severe anxiety due to it all but hopefully I start to heal now I have no contact with him currently. The replies have really helped and give me a step forward for the future for me and my son xx

In your circumstance I would consider not applying for maintenance, if I could possibly afford not to. Yes, morally he should have to pay - but he's such a dick that it's likely to be a source of endless aggro and financially speaking I can't imagine he would be a terribly reliable income stream so it's not something I'd want to be dependent on if I could structure things otherwise. And I'd be trying to maximise the potential for him to get bored and forget about me/baby, which is less likely to happen if he can see the money going out every month.

You can do this OP! Not long to go now and you'll have your beautiful baby boy in your arms.

Give him your surname and don't put the dads name on the BC - you'll be forever more having to ask permission for which school your boy goes to, whether you can go out of the country on holiday and worst of all you'll have to give access.

If he's serious about wanting to be part of your sons life he can prove it by going to court and making it official.

For now... ignore and block them both. No way is he allowed at birth and to be honest I wouldn't even bother letting him know when the baby is born. He only wants to know so he can bully you and scare you with threats to take the baby. Which he can't!

This is YOUR baby. Don't let him anywhere near. Send a picture if he's interested. He can go and play happy families with his gf.

He has zero rights to come and see the baby if he's not on the BC. So DO NOT give him that power.