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Original poster

I have a crush and it's miserable

50 replies

WhatBloodyNow · 21/07/2023 23:38

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

It's a guy I know through work. He is single, I am not. My DH is wonderful - our marriage is great. Absolutely nothing to complain about. We've been together 10 years.

So why am I so obsessed with this bloke? When I first met him I felt nothing. But the second or third time I was like being struck by lightning. Our conversations have never been anything other than strictly professional. But since then I've been mooning over him like a teenager. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I have no intention of doing anything about it and I wish the feeling would go away. I'm pretty sure the other guy has no idea I feel like this and if he did, he'd probably be horrified because he is young, free, single and cool whereas I'm a knackered, married mum of three who's in my PJs by 9pm.

Am I having a mid life crisis? Will this pass? Why has this happened to me? I swear I did not go looking for it and I didn't invite it. If I'm honest, the last time I met someone and felt this way was when I first met DH. It's so weird - I met him and immediately had this sense of 'you're mine'. And it's kind of the same with this guy. He looks like 'mine'. I can't explain it. I feel like I'm going mad.

Please tell me this will go away soon. It's been four months now!

I really want to stop feeling like this.

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 22/07/2023 03:09

Mumtothreegirlies · 22/07/2023 02:23

Blood hell not everything is ‘peri’ ! Ugh

Show quote history

Who said it is….?

The OP said she was a knackered mum of 3 in PJs by 9, so it’s not reasonable to ask if it’s possibly that.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 22/07/2023 03:10

…not unreasonable…

DimeStoreHooker · 22/07/2023 03:12

Allgoodnamesweregone · 22/07/2023 03:03

Just imagine him sitting on the toilet having a poo…sorted!

Everyone always says that 🤣

I don't find it helpful as everyone poos!

OuiLaLa · 22/07/2023 03:15

Lol, was just awake feeding my baby and thinking about my work crush!

I had a previous work crush and it eventually passed.

I just imagine having to show my post children (ruined) body to someone new and I can’t so that is that for me. Just admire from afar and enjoy a little heart skip every now and again to make you remember you are alive (and your own person not just a wife/mother!).

my former boss had some good advice - he said to enjoy a passing crush, accept they are natural but to look and never touch.

Fidelina · 22/07/2023 05:45

DimeStoreHooker · 22/07/2023 03:12

Everyone always says that 🤣

I don't find it helpful as everyone poos!

Show quote history

Yes, I find it completely bizarre, as if people think something literally everyone does is some ultimate turn-off!

OhDoh · 22/07/2023 06:08

I've had one and I'm pretty sure he felt the same. I avoided him when I could and when I left the company didn't keep in touch on purpose. Still think of him from time to time even now. Nothing would have ever happened but definitely some weird attraction.

ZolaBudd · 22/07/2023 06:13

youre all spelling it wrong.

it’s limerence

Fidelina · 22/07/2023 06:22

ZolaBudd · 22/07/2023 06:13

youre all spelling it wrong.

it’s limerence

Yes.

Come to think of it, imagining my crush object with poor SPaG would be way more effective than imagining him on the loo.

justcrushing · 22/07/2023 06:36

This happened to me with a colleague and I really lost my mind for a bit. I honestly felt like I wasn't fully in control.

Sadly I did act on it and whilst I didn't have a full on affair I behaved very badly and really hurt my partner. I'm very fortunate that we worked through it.

Don't feed it, keep your distance. Don't buy into the excitement of waiting to bump into him, acting differently and hoping he notices you. Be really boundaried around him and consciously push the thoughts away when they come.

It's honestly an awful feeling so I don't envy you at all.

LoonyLois · 22/07/2023 06:44

I had this when I was in my unhappy first marriage. I’d have had a crush on the milkman if he’s smiled at me. It was because I was just so unbelievably unhappy, so maybe subconsciously you are and it’s that which is keeping you sane

HairMb · 22/07/2023 07:35

It’s not bloody peri menopause. Confused

It’s just one of those things. It’s work proximity; false forced ‘intimacy’ mixed with how easy it is to idealise someone at work.

Just don’t fuel anything by obsessing, so don’t talk about it loads to a friends etc or fantasise over him if you have to work with him. Try to keep some distance, be professional, no emotional conversations. And yes as pp said remember he snores, farts, maybe he has a girlfriend he drives up the wall. You’re projecting onto him basically.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 22/07/2023 07:44

madeinmanc · 22/07/2023 02:36

Or maybe it's just sexual feelings for another human being and nothing to do with the bloody menopause! Do you think men sit agonizing on Pornhub about how their sexual feelings are down to their age? No. They allow themselves to have them.

Exactly.

I've seen "limerance" trotted out here so many times. Its definitely a mumsnet special.same with CMPA. Its just a crusho...you're attracted to him, op. That's ok!

If you want to get over him start looking for his flaws (there will be flaws)- the way he eats? Slurps his drink?
Or imagine him taking a shit. ;)

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 22/07/2023 07:47

Fidelina · 22/07/2023 05:45

Yes, I find it completely bizarre, as if people think something literally everyone does is some ultimate turn-off!

Show quote history

No but imagining him wiping the shit etc is not a pleasant thought and CAN turn people off their crush
I've definitely done that and it worked!!

LawnmowerBlues · 22/07/2023 07:52

Agree with PPs that you don't need to pathologise this. I feel all this talk of "limerence" and "false work intimacy" makes us distrust our own instincts. Sometimes - usually - it is just an inconvenient crush, no better or worse than the crush you had on your now-DH when you first met. In your situation, I can understand that the feelings are not welcome and you are quite rightly seeking help to get over it. I don't think that's best achieved by beating yourself up and trying to see the man in a negative light. It never makes me feel better to devalue other people and my own feelings - it just creates cognitive dissonance. Sit with it, be at peace with it, feed other things (be it your marriage or other friendships, hobbies etc). Easier said than done, I know.

ZolaBudd · 22/07/2023 12:21

Lol. I actually did lol

madeinmanc · 22/07/2023 12:25

@StellaJohanna Aww man, I'm really feeling for the little bald man with blue eyes. Poor guy was in love with you but couldn't have you 🙁

User63847484848 · 22/07/2023 12:30

EBearhug · 22/07/2023 01:08

I like a work crush, brightens up the day immensely, safe in the knowledge nothing's going to happen.

This!
whats the big deal? Can’t you just enjoy the nice feeling while it lasts?

Soozikinzii · 22/07/2023 12:38

I think this is actually an unspoken side effect of the menopause ! Just a people get crushes as a teenager because of all the hormones you can get them in the menopause! It's kind of a late surge. The key thing is you have recognised it as a crush and so you're keeping it in the right place !

HermioneWeasley · 22/07/2023 12:45

I prescribe lots and lots of sex with your lovely DH and seeing this guy as little as possible.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 22/07/2023 12:56

Ah op it happens. I have two work crushes 😂 I just try to ignore it. One is easier to ignore than the other because i see him less.

The les easy to ignore had a suit on in the office the other day because he had an official thing he was going to 🥵

I know though that when I feel this way it's because I am missing emotional and physical intimacy with my DH. So I agree with a previous posters prescription of lots of lovely sex with your DH!

CointreauVersial · 22/07/2023 13:01

Soozikinzii · 22/07/2023 12:38

I think this is actually an unspoken side effect of the menopause ! Just a people get crushes as a teenager because of all the hormones you can get them in the menopause! It's kind of a late surge. The key thing is you have recognised it as a crush and so you're keeping it in the right place !

I agree!

There's a reason why the "midlife crisis" is a thing. A sort of final fling, triggered by hormones going crazy.

Cat2014 · 22/07/2023 13:04

Happened to me a couple of times. I’m ashamed to say I acted on it once and it led to the demise of my relationship. The relationship wasn’t right anyway, it wasn’t the only thing by any means, but meant I was on the face of it ‘to blame’ and it caused a lot of stress and heartache

It passes for me if I avoid as much as possible and keep busy in other ways. I now look back with what was I thinking - he’s not even that special- in a few of these cases!

Original poster
WhatBloodyNow · 22/07/2023 15:38

Soozikinzii · 22/07/2023 12:38

I think this is actually an unspoken side effect of the menopause ! Just a people get crushes as a teenager because of all the hormones you can get them in the menopause! It's kind of a late surge. The key thing is you have recognised it as a crush and so you're keeping it in the right place !

It feels EXACTLY like a teenage crush. When you love someone you barely know so much that you think you might die if you can't be together!

Like how I used to feel about Keanu Reeves when I was 13.

(This work guy actually reminds me a bit of Keanu now I think about it...hmmm).

OP posts:
Crossaintqueen · 22/07/2023 15:40

StellaJohanna · 22/07/2023 01:46

I know exactly what you mean - also about "mine"- YES.

It happened to me when I was 40 and very happily married to my gorgeous man. There was this little bald man at work with blue eyes and I thought nothing of him when I first saw him, except he was a funny little man. Then one day, he looked right at me and held my gaze for what felt like a long time and BANG. I honestly would have had sex with him there and then. I would shake when he came into the office and the sweat would run down my back. It was very difficult because eventually, he sensed it.

At night, one of the men on shift had to bring me home late at night as part of their job. He started to volunteer before anyone else could - every night, and there would be an hour's drive in the dark sitting inches away from him. It was agony. Eventually, I had to stop looking at him or speaking to him which was very hard as he worked on my shift. He wasn't happy about it and showed it. I left and got another job - I had to. On my last night, he asked me if he could drive me home and I thought "why not". He didn't speak the whole journey until he stopped for me to get out and then he said "I love you, you know" which I knew he was going to say.

All I can say is thank God I didn't burn my marriage down and if I were you I would try to get away from him. I had four months of it and couldn't stand any more. I have never forgotten it and thank God it has never happened since.

If you don’t mind me asking, was this connection the same as the one you had with your DH when you first got together? How long did it take you to get over it?

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