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Original poster

I have a crush and it's miserable

50 replies

WhatBloodyNow · 21/07/2023 23:38

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

It's a guy I know through work. He is single, I am not. My DH is wonderful - our marriage is great. Absolutely nothing to complain about. We've been together 10 years.

So why am I so obsessed with this bloke? When I first met him I felt nothing. But the second or third time I was like being struck by lightning. Our conversations have never been anything other than strictly professional. But since then I've been mooning over him like a teenager. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I have no intention of doing anything about it and I wish the feeling would go away. I'm pretty sure the other guy has no idea I feel like this and if he did, he'd probably be horrified because he is young, free, single and cool whereas I'm a knackered, married mum of three who's in my PJs by 9pm.

Am I having a mid life crisis? Will this pass? Why has this happened to me? I swear I did not go looking for it and I didn't invite it. If I'm honest, the last time I met someone and felt this way was when I first met DH. It's so weird - I met him and immediately had this sense of 'you're mine'. And it's kind of the same with this guy. He looks like 'mine'. I can't explain it. I feel like I'm going mad.

Please tell me this will go away soon. It's been four months now!

I really want to stop feeling like this.

OP posts:
DimeStoreHooker · 21/07/2023 23:45

Limerance (autocorrect tried to put liberace and I noticed just in time! That would have confused you).

You're not a bad person, this happens, keep yourself busy and it will fade.

madeinmanc · 21/07/2023 23:47

Can you possibly distance yourself from him?

Fidelina · 21/07/2023 23:51

I’d like to say it will fade with time, but mine has been going on unabated since March 2022. Likewise happily married, crush object is single. I avoid him as much as possible.

ExtraOnions · 21/07/2023 23:53

These things happen … it will pass. I had a complete obsession with a bloke at work (we are both married), nothing happened, but he made my heart skip.
Anyway, 4 months on, crush is all gone.. I think the chemicals just wear off. I went from wanting to speak to him every day, to now not seeing him from one week to the next.

resipsa · 21/07/2023 23:53

Oh, I feel this! Had it myself in 2004. It passed. It happens. Go with it. It will go.

Seaoftroubles · 21/07/2023 23:54

Hormones! Could you be peri by any chance? That can throw your hormones into confusion! The best thing is to avoid him if possible. It will pass and you will probably wonder what on earth you were thinking!

DimeStoreHooker · 21/07/2023 23:54

Try to do something nice with husband without kids there, can you get a babysitter?

@Fidelina yes I had a crush on someone for ages whilst in a relationship!

Original poster
WhatBloodyNow · 21/07/2023 23:59

I'm glad to hear it's somewhat normal. I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm 40 so a bit too young for peri? Or maybe not?

Will have a google of limerance. Why does limerance happen at all? It's the weirdest thing. It could ruin lives potentially! So powerful and utterly random.

OP posts:
madeinmanc · 22/07/2023 00:01

Why call it limerance though? Maybe it's just sexual attraction.

DimeStoreHooker · 22/07/2023 00:01

Chemical reaction

Babdoc · 22/07/2023 00:07

Crushes are harmless, OP. I’ve had one on Mr Spock from Star Trek for the last 54 years, with no sign of it abating. DH used to laugh about it, and bought me Star Trek videos as birthday presents! He fancied Servalan on Blake’s Seven, and Ming’s daughter in the Flash Gordon film.
As long as you don’t pounce on this chap and get yourself done for sexually harassing a colleague, there’s no harm in admiring him from afar.

123451235c · 22/07/2023 00:10

These kind of situations are self fulfilling.

If next week you and your family were moving to Australia for work reasons, you'd go, life would move on and you'd maybe wistfully think of him for the first 6 months but in 10 years you'd not remember him.

On the other hand, if you start to hang around him, make an effort to look great all the time at work if you are going to see him, always go to the work drinks, stay behind late because he is, eventually you'll kiss, probably sleep together and you have a big BIG problem and risk of your whole life exploding.

Jaguarana · 22/07/2023 00:22

I've got a work crush too. It's awful. It's been going on for months and it just won't go away. He is a lot younger than me but we connect and get on so well it's like we can read each other's minds. I'm married, he's single. I'm obsessed and it's ridiculous. Nothing can ever come of it, but the crush just refuses to go away. It doesn't help that I'm pretty sure he has a bit of a crush on me too. Hopefully it'll all blow over soon.

KarrieKoKo · 22/07/2023 00:30

I had a crush on a guy at work as well. He was 20 years older but I can’t deny something was there between us. Anyway, I avoided him like the plague and I found that worked a treat! Out of sight, out of mind. But I feel ur pain!

Ihatepickingausername3 · 22/07/2023 00:59

Mines not gone but it’s the other way round. I am single and he is not. I wouldn’t ever act on it because I respect him, his wife and their marriage… but if he were single it would obviously be a different story. But he’s not… so life goes on. Madly I never had a crush when I was married, only now I am single!

Just get on with your life. It will pass eventually. If seeing him feeds the crush then avoid as much as possible.

EBearhug · 22/07/2023 01:08

I like a work crush, brightens up the day immensely, safe in the knowledge nothing's going to happen.

pheonixrebirth · 22/07/2023 01:43

I've had a couple of crushes like this and the one thing that seems to bring me back down to earth is imagining living with them. What are their bad habits, bet he snores etc etc. Basically try to think of them in real life terms instead idealised. It really knocked it on the head for me and made me realise that the the great banter between us was just that and the reality would be far different.

StellaJohanna · 22/07/2023 01:46

I know exactly what you mean - also about "mine"- YES.

It happened to me when I was 40 and very happily married to my gorgeous man. There was this little bald man at work with blue eyes and I thought nothing of him when I first saw him, except he was a funny little man. Then one day, he looked right at me and held my gaze for what felt like a long time and BANG. I honestly would have had sex with him there and then. I would shake when he came into the office and the sweat would run down my back. It was very difficult because eventually, he sensed it.

At night, one of the men on shift had to bring me home late at night as part of their job. He started to volunteer before anyone else could - every night, and there would be an hour's drive in the dark sitting inches away from him. It was agony. Eventually, I had to stop looking at him or speaking to him which was very hard as he worked on my shift. He wasn't happy about it and showed it. I left and got another job - I had to. On my last night, he asked me if he could drive me home and I thought "why not". He didn't speak the whole journey until he stopped for me to get out and then he said "I love you, you know" which I knew he was going to say.

All I can say is thank God I didn't burn my marriage down and if I were you I would try to get away from him. I had four months of it and couldn't stand any more. I have never forgotten it and thank God it has never happened since.

MumGMT · 22/07/2023 02:15

Will have a google of limerance. Why does limerance happen at all? It's the weirdest thing. It could ruin lives potentially! So powerful and utterly random.

One theory is that it's a form of OCD, so I suppose it could potentially be triggered by stress, mental health issues, trauma etc.

MumGMT · 22/07/2023 02:16

Clicked submit too soon.
It could be possibly related to hormonal changes etc. There was a recent thread on here about women around your age who just wanted to run away from their (apparently happy) lives and a few seemed to have huge crushes too.

Mumtothreegirlies · 22/07/2023 02:23

Seaoftroubles · 21/07/2023 23:54

Hormones! Could you be peri by any chance? That can throw your hormones into confusion! The best thing is to avoid him if possible. It will pass and you will probably wonder what on earth you were thinking!

Blood hell not everything is ‘peri’ ! Ugh

ItHappenedALongTimeAgo · 22/07/2023 02:26

yeah it's a thing, and I think judging by the threads on here it's very common with peri, and no 40 isn't to young for peri.

I'm in the same boat. have been for a year and half. but got a grip on in the last couple of months. So a lot less obsessed and thank god not questioning chucking my very happy marriage down the drain anymore.

it came out of nowhere, he's single and slightly younger too. yes I get the same 'mine' feeling that I got with DH.

madeinmanc · 22/07/2023 02:36

Or maybe it's just sexual feelings for another human being and nothing to do with the bloody menopause! Do you think men sit agonizing on Pornhub about how their sexual feelings are down to their age? No. They allow themselves to have them.

Alcemeg · 22/07/2023 02:44

I've had it too. For me, the "other man" just represented everything missing from my marriage.

I ended up acting on that, but not with him.

He's now my oldest friend and I will always be grateful to him for unwittingly putting a bomb under my first marriage. I've never told him.

Allgoodnamesweregone · 22/07/2023 03:03

Just imagine him sitting on the toilet having a poo…sorted!

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